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Bye Bye Hollywood Heartthrob, Hello Lab Rat

September 10, 2012 //
5

We’ve given up on show business (for now).  Hollywood is a tough act to crack into and we’ve faced rejection one too many times.  (It  was just one time.  We have fragile egos to mend!) So, I’ve been looking for other ways to exploit showcase the Worm and his burgeoning talents.

Enter the Infant Development Study!  This study is currently being held in San Diego (California), Montreal (Canada, not Wisconsin), and Geneva (Switzerland, not Illinois).  If you live near any one of these cities and wish to participate, click the link above or at the bottom of the page.

The IDS has now added my son, Gavin, aka #6.022 x 10^23, into their child development program where he will be tested in the area of language development every 6 months until he turns 4 years old and is ready for school.

Coffee and creampuffs now! Otherwise, it’s too early for this crap!

Of course, I saw right through the smoke and mirrors and wittingly uncovered a baby IQ test!  My anxiety shot through the roof as I wondered:  Is Worm learning at a normal rate?  Is he below average?  Why does he grunt so much?  What if his intelligence score is too low?  Am I talking to him enough?  Do I E-NUN-CI-ATE or do I mumble?  Is that why he can’t understand English?  Is social services going to take away my little ape man because I haven’t taught him enough words?  Am I a roadblock to his learning capability?

When I arrived at the Child Development Lab at the San Diego State University, I was mesmerized by the toys and bright colors of the room and my anxiety quickly subsided.  Worm was working the ‘ignorance is bliss’ angle.  He had no idea what was going on, save for the fact that there were pretty women surrounding and smiling at him.  We both looked at each other and knew that the only way things could get better was if they had Goonies on the TV and let us put our feet on the couch.

The main test had Worm sitting on my lap in front of a touch screen computer (which he doesn’t have at home).  He was shown two objects and was told to “Touch the ….”.  If he touched the correct object, the screen would repeat the word and move on to the next two pictured objects.  If he touched the incorrect object, his parent would get an electric charge (akin to that of a wet tongue on a 9V battery) from the chair.  By the end of the testing, the room smelled like fried porkskin and I lost some butt hair.  (Ok, the last part wasn’t real.  But, if these were the consequences, how many more parents do you think would become involved in their child’s education?)

The experiment study didn’t take Worm away from me (even though the whole time he forgot I was in the room with him), stick him in a cage with chimps, or give him an opportunity to go home with new parents.  I asked if there was a pill that could expand Worm’s brain function like in the movie Limitless, but they looked at me as if I should stop procreating before I pass on my stupidity.  (It’s too late!  We’ve got another baby on the way!)

Gators! I love the Gators! They’re all over my bedroom wall!

All in all, it was a great experience and the team that worked with Worm was warm and friendly.  On top of letting us hang out for an hour, they gave Worm a Target gift card for $25 and I got a cool squeaky wind-up racecar!  Worm chewed on his gift card and I played with my new racecar for the entire drive home!  (Can you say, awesome!)

The study is looking for more parents with kids between 14 and 17 months old.  Every visit takes about 60 minutes (90 minutes if your kid is a PITA) and you get something for your time and participation.  Visits to the lab are only every 6 months, so it’s not a huge time commitment.  But, the overall benefit of participation is in helping the study of infant language development all over the world.

Here are some links to get you started:

San Diego State University Infant and Child Development Laboratory

University of California San Diego Cognitive Development Laboratory

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Categories Education

Worm’s First Words!

June 7, 2012 //
0

We’re constantly trying to understand Gavin.  His lip smacking doesn’t usually produce anything comprehensible…at least, by adults.  But, I swear he said his first words on June 6 at 8:30am.

It’s Wednesday morning.  Steph left for work and I was quickly checking my emails before I had to be off too.  With Worm sitting on my lap, I pilfer through my “You’ve just won 8 million Euros!” emails and go to close my laptop.  Since our relationship relies on me speaking for the both of us, I begin dialogue with “Say bye-bye to daddy’s laptop!”

As I get ready to provide my best impression of a talking Worm, he steals the show by opening and closing his hand and blurting out “Bye bye!”

Then we stare at each other, mouths agape.

“What?”

Worm giggles.

“Did you just say bye-bye?”

With a sideways “What are you, deaf?” look, Worm crawls away.

So I sat there looking at him, patiently waiting for an encore performance.  Nothing.  His words still ringing in my ears, I wait a bit longer.  Nothing.  Since I have to get to the office by 10am and can’t piddle around all day waiting for the miraculous proclamation, I try to “help” Worm repeat himself.

I grab him by the little body and squeeze him.

“Focus man!  What did you say to me?  Was it ‘bye-bye’?”

“Ah ba ayee”

“I said ‘Did you say bye-bye?'” I jiggle Worm a little bit to coax any stuck syllables to bubble up to the surface.

He laughs and squirms his way out of my grasp.  Crap, I gotta go.

For the rest of the day, I kept replaying the scene in my mind.  Did it happen?  Or was I imagining?  My brain plays tricks on me.  But this time, I wasn’t drinking.  Does this count as Worm’s first words?  I don’t know.  Anyone can accidentally rub their lips together and puff a ‘bye-bye’.  What constitutes first words?  How many syllables?

Now I’m stressed.  I need to put a check mark next to this baby milestone, but I don’t know if it’s legit.  I should have checked this box months ago, but Worm has been taking his sweet time developmentally (as if he’s got his whole life ahead of him).  I need to have a long talk with him about that and how the years are going to flash by in a couple bats of an eyelid.  Sure he may be a baby now, but tomorrow he’s going to be a geezer on a park bench who forgot his way home.  It’s imperative for Worm to learn as much as he can in the short time he’s here on earth (which will be until 12/21/2012 like the rest of us).  Thanks for the heads-up Mayans!

Or, maybe Worm is trying to tell me that he already understands the fleeting nature of life?  Maybe his first words enunciate the essence of existence with an exclamation.  Bye-bye!  He’s trying to tell me to live life to the fullest because one day you’re born and the next day you’re ‘bye-bye’.  Brilliant!  It’s genius!  I mean, he’s genius!  Children are born with pure intention and innate wisdom before we screw them up with our adult ideas of the way things are.  We have to listen to these wise children for their words hold so much more than drool and spit.

Now, I wonder what Worm is trying to tell me when he looks me dead in the eyes and puts his finger in his nose?

I Think I Feel a Little Buddha Somewhere In Here…

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Categories Education

It’s Been a Year, So What Has He Done With His Life?

April 30, 2012 //
2

I need to document these times in Worm’s life now, so that (in a few years) when my memory fades, I can look back at my blog and refresh the brain cells on the things he was doing at each year of his growth.  I can entertain him years from now with the truth commingled with a little bit of fiction while he’s wiping drool off my face and changing my diapers at the ‘home’.

The first year of development has a list of milestones that should be achieved.  Of course, each chart varies on what milestones should be completed at each age category.  But, I choose the chart that stresses me out the most and makes me worry that the Worm is below average.

Please take into account that we asked the stork to deliver us an athlete that would support us financially into our golden years.  We also made it clear that we would give up brains for athletic prowess, since career-wise, it pays more.

Here goes:

Milestones completed up to 1-year-old  —

  • Drinks from sippy cup
  • Feeds himself
  • Poops himself  (I wish he would start changing his own diapers…)
  • Recognizes and responds to his names (Love, Lovie, Worm, Wormie, Dude, Babe, Bug, Bubba, Honey Bun, and occasionally Gavin)
  • Uses utensils to eat (Uses fork, spoon, and the ever handy spork.)
  • Uses short straws to drink (and to make music)
  • Claps hands (He’s ready for the circus.)
  • Crawls insanely fast (Christmas day was the first day he crawled.)
  • Stands up from sitting position without holding on to anything
  • Climbs (He can climb onto the coffee table, couch, and roof.  Ok, I help him climb onto the roof.)
  • Supports body weight on two hands (Remember doing ‘wheelbarrow’ with your friends as a kid?  Worm does this all the time!)
  • Visually tracks objects moving at moderate speeds
  • Searches for things where they were last seen (Some object permanence as well.)
  • Recognizes household objects by name (He can point out about 15 or so things in the house when I say the word.)
  • Recognizes body parts by name (Ocular Orbit, Nasal cartilage, Auricle, Oral cavity…you know.  Easy stuff.)
  • Mimics actions of mom and dad (such as lifting weights, clapping, pointing, some sign language)
  • Performs sign language (about 10 or so signs.  Thanks Alex and Leah!)
  • Turns book pages (80% of the time he reads books from left to right.)
  • Fears some strangers (the stranger, the more fearful)
  • Can pincher grasp a straw from one end and locate the other end into correct opening (wickedly good hand-eye coordination with either hand. Hallelujah!)
  • Places objects into container (We’ve got to nurture this milestone…)
  • Can locate source of sounds and find us when we call him from another room (He’s almost as good as the dogs at this!)
  • Stretches arms and legs out to get dressed (Keeps me from having to use the tazer during changing time.)
  • Gets frustrated when he can’t: do something, get something, or lift something.  (That’s a milestone?)
  • Plays ‘Give’ and ‘Take’ with objects
  • Mimics talking on the cell phone (I wonder where he picked that skill up from??)
  • Bobs up and down to music (He’s got that rhythm!)
  • Opens and closes cabinet doors (and conveniently tosses stuff out of them)
  • Flips off lights (has a hard time flipping the switch on, though)
  • Pokes everything with his index finger (sometimes even his nose)

Milestones NOT completed at 1-year-old —

  • Doesn’t say any real words (like angioplasty, perpendicular, ostensibly…)
  • Doesn’t shake head no (but then we really don’t say no to him a lot.  We try to redirect his attention to something more parent-happy.)
  • Doesn’t roll a ball back to me (It’s hard to play together when one of us doesn’t comply…and I’m not naming names.)
  • Doesn’t wave hi or bye (but he gives a good ‘Where the hell are you going?’ look)
  • Doesn’t imitate words we say to him (He only babbles in his own language that only the dogs understand.)
  • Doesn’t play pat-a-cake (Isn’t that a girl’s game anyhow?)

Worm, you’re doing great!  Your mother and I are very proud of you!

I think I’m somewhere under the bell curve of fatherhood, don’t you think?  And as an extra little pat on my own back, I’ll just sneak in a point for me!

Gavin – 11; Daddy – 6

Gimme a Hi Five Dad!

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Categories Education

First Swimming Lesson

March 28, 2012 //
2

It’s time to teach the Worm to swim.  He’s almost a year old now and better parents will tell us we should have started months ago.  Also, it’s time for him to see and play with kids that aren’t over 30 years old and graying.  (I’m talking about my wife here, not me.)  Worm needs to get out and interact like the social butterfly I want him to be.  And what better way to get Daddy & the Worm socialized than at a bikini filled hot tub swimming pool?

Worm’s naturally drawn to water.  Every time he hears the bathtub filling up, he crawls his way over in anticipation that it’s for him.  Once in the tub, he splashes around and giggles like there’s no tomorrow.  He loves water so much, he has no problem wedging himself into the dog dish with the same gusto.  A swimming pool is just like a really large bathtub.  Right?  Well, that’s not quite the way Worm saw it.

We show up to the swimming pool in the afternoon.  Worm slipped into his asset accentuating Speedo-esque baby swim diaper.  (First, I was perplexed about how this diaper was going to absorb pee and poop while underwater.  Then, I came to the realization halfway through the class that the baby swim diaper only keeps chunky stuff from floating to the top of the pool.  Everything else sort of just um…magically vanishes into the water…yeah, vanishes.)

Man, does he look poised and ready to go!

Dad! Look at My Swim Muscles!

When Worm, Grandma and I show up to class a little early, Worm peers around flexing his muscles and ‘scoping the hotties.  (He’s a chip off the old block!)  We’re in luck because we find out there are 4 girls in our swim class and no dudes!  Picking up babes today is going to be like catching fish in a bucket.  So Worm and I primp ourselves to showcase the finest of the male species for the next 30 minutes for these lucky girls.

The Pre-Pool Jitters.

Though, as soon as we hit the water we lost the battle of the sexes.  For almost the entire half-hour class, Worm clung to me like a leech in a swamp.

Did we participate in the leg kicks exercise?  Nope.

Did we participate in back floating exercise?  Nope.

Did we participate in putting floating toys in the bucket?  Maybe once.

Did we participate in screaming, crying, and clinging?  A resounding yes!

Worm Taking His Mind Off of the Water For A Split Second.

Most children are curious about other children.  Worm didn’t look at any of them after he got into the pool.  He was too busy signaling for Grandma to dive in and rescue him from this water torture device.  Of course, I couldn’t make eye contact with any of the parents either.  Embarrassed, my excuse was that I was babysitting my friend’s kid for the afternoon.  “See?  He doesn’t really look like me.  Any resemblance is probably because we spend a lot of time together.  It’s purely coincidental.” I said.

You know how you get that strange feeling like every mom is watching you and dissecting your every move, saying to themselves “I would never do that with my child!” or “That baby’s a mess from poor parenting!”  That’s how I felt today during the swim lesson.  I was wishing I could just swim over to my gymbag and pour a double shot of Anniversario to take the edge off but I think the Boys and Girls club frowns upon such behavior. If there were any other guys there besides us, I’d get someone to ease our pain and break the ice with a story or joke.  There was none of that from the moms in the pool.  They just half-smiled at us fellas and splashed us with “I bet they’re both peeing in the pool” glances.

A couple of times during the swim class, the instructor tried to pry Worm away from me in hopes that he would forget his fears and paddle about in reckless abandon.  Not a chance.  His screaming only increased a few decibels and in defeat, the instructor handed him back to me.

Should I Make a Break For It While Worm's Not Looking?

So, my kiddo spent the better part of our swim lesson grappling with dad’s slippery body.  A couple of times I thought he would choke me out.  But, we both survived.  Even though a swim lesson wasn’t learned, a life lesson was.

Here are our takeaways from our first swim lesson:

1.  If the pool water is green, don’t dip your head under.  (For Dad)

2.  If you want to make a good impression on the ladies and you don’t know how to swim, wear a fake cast for an excuse to stay out of the pool.  (For Worm)

3.  Moms can be a scary bunch to deal with if you’re a SAHD, so drink heavily before any activity where you’re well outnumbered by them.  (For Dad)

4.  Have excuses ready for when your baby is making a scene.  “Oh, this isn’t my child.” works best.  Other standards are:  “It’s way past his nap time.”  “He’s going through a phase right now.”  “You didn’t see it, but your child slapped mine first.”  “He forgot to take his Xanax and missed his therapy session so his emotions are out of whack right now.”  (For Dad)

Ok, I think We've Tortured You Enough. Let's Go Home.

I guess I should have been better prepared.  But as a stubborn Dad teaching a stubborn Worm…He’s going to learn to swim whether he likes it or not.  We’ll be back on Saturday with a vengeance.

Gavin = 10; Dad = 5

By the way, if you’re in the San Diego area and you are looking for swimming classes to enroll your baby, check out Noonan Family Swim School.  They have locations all over San Diego.

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Categories Education

Fun Ingrown Toenail Time!

February 24, 2012 //
0

My kid has ugly toes.  (They’re not long, shapely, and seductive like my toes.)  He’s got short, stubby little sausages glued to the end of his foot.  His toenails are something alien, too.  You know how chefs will thumb press a raisin or a cherry into the top of the cookie dough clumps before baking the cookies?  Well, it looks like before our bun came out of the proverbial oven, the “Chef” hastily pressed ten toenails into Gavin’s chubby digits…and pressed a bit too hard.

Worm’s toenails are buried under his skin, which means nail clipping is never easy.  Since no parent wants to inflict visible pain on their children, nail clipping time becomes more than a game of hide and seek.  It’s a medical procedure with sharp metal objects, no anesthesia, and high stakes.  One wrong move and I maim my baby, thus rendering him the laughing-stock at the schoolyard.

“Looky over there!  Gimpy Gavin goes.

He’s got 8 fingers and only 7 toes.

His dad cut them off, and put them in a stew.

If you can’t run fast, he will do the same to you!

Picture Worm flailing all 4 limbs, screaming, crying and arching his back…simultaneously.  Then picture me with a firm grasp on the toenail to be trimmed…and nothing else.  “Well, is it skin or is it part of the nail?  I don’t know.  It’s so small that I can’t really tell.  Why are his nails the same exact color as his toes?  Is that normal?  Should I wait until later for Steph’s help?”  A screaming baby can drain the patience from any man.  “What the hell.  He’s already crying.  If I draw blood, then at least he’ll have a real reason to cry.”  Snip.

With nails and toes like his, it was only a matter of time before a nail volunteered for onychocryptosis duty.  For Gavin, it happened last night.

Tis' Only a Flesh Wound!

Ingrown Toenail? No Problem! Mom to the Rescue!

We’re lucky we caught it early.  For those that are hoping to share in this wonderful experience (It’s great fun, especially after midnight!), here are a few tips that I found useful:

  1. To prevent ingrown toenails from happening, clip your baby’s nails often.  I usually know it’s time to clip Gavin’s nails when he can grabs at my neck and some skin comes off.  (Remember that sometimes clipping the nails too short can be a problem.)
  2. If this has already happened to you, then don’t tell your friends.  They will know that you are too busy Facebooking to pay much attention to your baby.  You may be ridiculed and scoffed at.  Some parents may even report you for neglect and child abuse.
  3. Squeeze the toe to see if baby cries.  This is a pretty good sign of ingrown toenail pain.  Usually the offending toe will be red and may possibly ooze pus.  If you are upset that your baby woke you up in the middle of the night, squeeze the toe multiple times.
  4. Onesies with footies and socks can irritate the offending toe and can contribute to infection.  Allow the toe to breathe.  (It’s a saying.  Toes don’t really breathe.)
  5. Clip the nail as close to the skin as possible.  If you clip some skin also, don’t worry.  Your baby shouldn’t remember the pain you caused them with your early parenting mistakes.
  6. Soak the baby’s foot in warm water for 5-10 minutes, a couple of times a day to loosen up the skin and encourage healing.
  7. Apply anti-bacterial ointment.  Just keep baby from eating it.
  8. If necessary, you can give your child acetaminophen for the pain.  It may help get both you and the baby some much needed sleep.

For my unpreparedness, Worm gets a point.  You keep testing my skills eh, son?

Gavin – 8; Dad – 4

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Categories Education

I Only Spank You Because I Care

February 9, 2012 //
1

I come from a family where spanking was the icing on the punishment cake.  Luckily, I didn’t get spanked that often. My brother got the hot seat more than I.  Thanks bro!  My wife comes from a family where spanking wasn’t used as a disciplinary tactic.

How will we discipline the Worm?

Personally, I hope to break the spanking tradition with him.  I don’t plan on serving physical punishment to the Worm for his wrongdoings.  (I take out my anger on my dogs.)  But, I will try my best to figure out why he did what he did.  Kids do stuff mindlessly.  I used to be a kid (although some people still think I am a kid).  I’ve partaken in my fair share of destruction.  (I’m just glad no person got hurt, just the animals in the forest and the frogs in the pond, and the turtles, and the…I digress.)  I know full well that some children don’t understand the ramifications of their acts, nor do they understand the ripple effect those actions have on people around them.  (I’m sure that many adults don’t even have this awareness.)  But, I’m still going to try to learn/teach from Gavin’s misdeeds instead of just punishing him for them.  I’m going to search for an answer each opportunity presented, even if I only receive a blank stare in return from him.  Why?  Because I’d like him to recognize his part in the event and accept some responsibility for his actions in life.  And possibly think about what he did, if only briefly.

After being on the other side of the belt, I don’t think that spanking is a necessary component for a parent teaching a lesson.  It won’t build trust between Worm and I and it won’t strengthen our relationship.  Spanking builds fear (and callouses).

If you wish, you can read the article about the effect of spanking on children here.  The article says that spanking leads to aggression and lowers IQ.  (So, does that mean if I spank Gavin enough that he could morph into a professional MMA fighter in a few years?  How is this a bad thing again?)

If you don’t agree with me, please let me give you a few spanking tips:

  • Make sure child is wearing thin, tight clothing for maximum spanking effect.  Fluffy clothing dissipates too much energy.
  • Spank child in one location on buttocks.  By concentrating your spanking technique to a particular area, you can cause more pain sensation.
  • Learn to spank with both arms.  This will keep you from getting repetitive stress syndrome and reduce your chance of injury.
  • When using a belt for spanking, a 2 to 3″ wide leather one works well.  To add more spice to the swing, make contact using the buckle end.
  • Set goals when spanking your child.  Try to increase the repetitions every time.  Spanking builds strength in your rotator cuff muscles.  It makes a great exercise for the shoulder girdle.
  • The best time to spank a child is while they’re sleeping.  They never see it coming and can’t run away.

Fist of Fury

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Categories Education

Missing the Milestones

January 30, 2012 //
3

When people describe other people’s inadequacies, they may say to you…”So and so has a great personality!”  which translates into “So and so is ugly as sin.”  Or…”So and so is an incredible athlete”  which means “So and so can’t think his way out of a paper bag.”  Well, we think Gavin may be the athletic type.  (Which is disappointing for now, unless we can later exploit his athletic prowess for millions of dollars.)

Pediatricians have developed a way to measure mental growth in children.  There are milestones for you (and them) to observe and chart your child’s progress.  It is based upon the average age at which babies learn to do things such as giggle, wave, make eye contact, turn when called, etc.  This milestone checklist is partly so doctors can catch abnormalities early in baby brain development.  More importantly though, milestones are used for parents to quietly rank their own child against their friends’ kids.

In the beginning, Gavin was smarter than average.  Smiling, laughing, rolling over, fetching  (or was that Duncan?).  Gavin was passing the milestones early by weeks, if not an entire month.  We would visit with the pediatrician and made sure she knew how advanced our prodigy was.  She would check off the milestone boxes on the Worm’s medical chart and we would make sure she documented the additional parlor tricks of our young Einstein.  Oh, how we enjoyed weekends at the park, jeering and throwing yogurt drops at all of the ‘normal’ kids falling off swings and tripping over themselves in the grass.  Our child was so much smarter than THAT!

Durp.

Well that’s changed, and not for the better.  Gavin’s almost 10 months old and has missed a few milestones already.  He doesn’t mimic any sounds we make (except for burping and farting).  He doesn’t say mama or dada.  He uses his forehead as an extra limb.  There’s no baby sign language coming off his hands even though I’ve been teaching him how to sign “eat” for 6 months now.  (At least, I’m learning sign language…)

Let’s just say that if licking the sliding glass door, dragging your face over the carpet, and chewing power cords comprised the milestone checklist, the Worm is in the 99th percentile.  But alas, he is doomed to be either an athlete, or worse, a reality TV actor.

 

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