Archives for the month of: July, 2012

I’m glad that we’re transitioning from crawling to walking.  I know I’ve heard that benefits of crawling include cross-brain coordination via the corpus callosum blah, blah, blah.  We’ve done enough of that.  (We can’t allow him to be too intelligent.  He’ll get made fun of at school.  Besides, I need to keep the upper hand.)  In fact, we’ve done so much crawling that now Worm’s body is faster than his brain!

The other day I saw Worm galloping his way across the kitchen floor with smoke spewing out of his ears from brain overload.  All of a sudden, limbs were flying every which way and “THUD!”.  Worm’s lips had kissed the floor…a little too passionately.

His upper lip started bleeding and swelling up, so we did what any parent would do in a situation like this.  We gave Worm a bath.  (Ok, it was to cool his little brain down from overheating.  Jeez, so we didn’t know what to do and bathing him was the first thing that came to mind!  Stop judging us!  We’re new at this!)

I know what could remedy this situation!

And of course, the miracle medicine that fixes all health problems….warm and fresh from the tap…bath water!

Drinking bath water heals cancer, raises the dead, and reduces swollen lips from disaster!

The USDA recommends 8-12oz of bath water daily for clear, healthy skin!

Worm, is this a sign that you should spend more time upright?  Your lips are so luscious now!  Very Angelina Jolie-esque!  I hope you didn’t knock too many brain cells loose.

A Few Crawling and Brain Development Articles:

On Saturday, Worm was feeling frisky enough to get up and dance a little two-step.  For 10 minutes straight, he worked on shakin’ his stems.  (It would have made Elvis proud.)  The sheer enjoyment on his face was priceless.  Not wanting to ruin the moment but wanting to capture it at the same time, I had a dialogue with myself.  “Should I jump up and grab my video camera now?  But, what if I distract him and we lose the moment?  Well, if I’m focused on trying to capture the moment, does that mean that I’m not really in the moment of watching Worm take some huge first steps?”  Faster than a sailor on a 4-hour shore pass, I wrassled my camera off the table and got er’ dun’ (Are the apostrophes even in the right place?)  Yee Hah!  I got it on film!  Now you can see Worm wobblin’ around like a mouthful of loose teeth!

Steph and I are happy to see the Worm evolve from four legs to two.  Soon, Worm won’t need to drag his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches across the carpet when changing dining locations.  I used to think our crawlin’ young’un was busier than a one-legged man at an ass kickin’ contest, but on two feet he’s going to be all over the place like greased lightnin’.  Our life is about to get nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival.

For some of you, it will seem like the longest 75 seconds of your life.  But I promise, it’s better than bein’ poked in da’ eye with a sharp stick…Enjoy!

The Worm’s got a bad habit.  He is a TV zombie eater.  (Thanks to me, it didn’t take long for the bad habits to start.  First, this.  Next month, it will be cigarettes and tequila for dessert.)  I have a huge pet peeve about mindless eating and this is quite an irritating conundrum…for me.  Worm doesn’t seem to mind.

When Worm’s sitting in front of me with a plate full of food, he picks at it.  I could sing and dance for him, but it hardly boosts his appetite.  Soon, boredom sets in and he’s chucking his sandwich bites at the dogs or letting them lick the jelly from his sticky fingers.  It’s not that Worm isn’t hungry, because he is.  Though to him, eating is pointless work with no real benefit.  (I tried to explain the notion of calories and how food gives toddlers energy, but Worm is certain he is powered by the sun.  Why else would he get tired at night?)

When I flip on the boob tube, cue up Curious George, and place the Worm anywhere near the TV screen, he locks in like a missile on target.  His eyes glaze over, blinking ceases, and his motion slows.  Worm’s alter ego, the TV zombie, has been channeled.  I pass a spoonful of cereal under his nose and the secret trap door drops open to accept the offering.  Access has been granted.

For the next 20 minutes, I don’t get flailing arms, pursed lips or the bobble head.  The beast is hypnotized and I am free to shovel hundreds of calories into its belly.  And Worm has no idea anything is amiss other than Curious George finding himself in trouble, yet again.

The Dual Eating Personalities of the Worm (TV Zombie Personality Shown Above)  Notice the Eyes…

I’m relieved that once the TV is shut off, the zombie disappears and everything is back to normal.  (One day this on-off switch may get faulty…but then there are medications that will fix everything!  I digress…)

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.  I’m perpetuating the problem by feeding Worm in front of the TV, but I can’t feed him very well any other way.  Feedings are less than 30 minutes long when the TV zombie is eating.  Otherwise, I chase normal Worm around the house for 90 minutes coaxing him with anything possibly palate pleasing. (Say that three times fast!)  It’s exhausting.  (Chasing Worm around, not the tongue twister…)  I can only imagine at our therapy discussions how Worm will blame me for his poor eating habits and explain to the doctor how he sleeps in front of the TV with his pet monkey on a pile of Cheetos, Twinkies, and Bon Bons.  And as karma has a way of punishing us for our past misdeeds, his monkey will eventually eat my face and the cycle will be complete.  I am a horrible father and I will pay for it.

For this post, I can’t give either one of us a point.  We’re at a stalemate.  He needs to eat.  I need to use whatever works right now to facilitate that.  I can foresee that I will have to be smarter and more crafty to keep up with the evolving Worm.  It’s time to turn up my game a notch.

Gavin – 14; Dad – 7  (No Change)

The Worm took his first steps today at 7:45pm.  But, my mom saw Worm walk hours before.  He walked in her dream last night.

I’ll be the first to tell you that my mom is as intuitive as they come.  We always joke about how she reads minds…and we both know there’s a lot of truth to that.

Here’s part of an email that she sent to me this morning at 7:16:

I had a dream last night that my Honey Bun took 4 steps, fell, then 5, fell, and after continued walking.  Maybe, today is the day he puts his foot forward : )

And this evening Worm took 4 very shaky first steps and sat down.  It was a pretty awesome moment!  Thanks for preparing us, mom!

I’d better charge my camcorder.  Tomorrow may be a good day to capture some baby bipedal activity.


Yay, I Took My First Steps Today!

Hi Everyone! I Can’t Wait To Wreak Havoc and Chaos On My Older Brother, the Worm! I May Be Small, But I’m Feisty!

We’re multiplying!!!  This is what happens when we accidentally come in contact with alcohol water.  (Guess the movie reference?)

He or she is affectionately called #2.  (Not like Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo)  I know it’s unoriginal, but I don’t have time to come up with a cool name.  I’m way too busy right now.  (These words will come back to haunt me…)  Besides, #2 has plenty of time to be christened with an embarrassing name that he will despise for the rest of his life.

I’m very excited for this new baby.  Because now we have something to compare it to.  Before Gavin, we had no idea what our combined genes would spawn from Steph’s body.  It could have been an alien with 3 heads and tentacles.  Instead, we got the warm, wiggly, wonderful Worm!

After Worm was born, I seriously thought I would have this parenting thing figured out before the second baby.  Translation:  I was willing to subject our first child to unorthodox baby experiments in order to perfect my parenting techniques for later progeny.  But, I realize that I still don’t know what I’m doing.  I need a larger sample and more data.  Therefore, I have convinced myself that I must (in the interest of science) subject both Worm and #2 to more stick poking, cattle prodding, and laboratory testing.  But, I swear I’ll have parenting figured out by the third child…if the first two don’t drive us to tie our tubes first!

Here are 5 things that I’ll soon be able to say:

  1. This doesn’t add up.  How do two kids equals three times the work?
  2. Man, I change diapers so much that I even dream about it…
  3. Kids, the direct way to my heart is through laundry, vacuuming, and chores.  I can’t help it, it’s just the way my body is wired for affection.
  4. Children, only 40 more laps around the playground and we’ll go home…I promise.
  5. Where did my spare time go?


#2, give mommy a break and stop punching her uterus!  We watched you do it on the sonogram!

I know you want to get out and party with us, but you’ve got a little more cooking to do.  Daddy wants you to come out a little more well-done than your brother…

Worm, do you know what I just deduced? (9)

We outnumber the women here in the roost! (11)

A vital precept shall be declared!  (9)

Toilet lids remain up and lives will be spared!  (11)


As men, we demand this noble act

Of maintaining order in chaos with tact.

If seats stay up, there will be no pee

Anywhere else, but in the toilet you see!


Worm!  Good grief!  Hold on just a minute!

It’s not a swimming pool!  Don’t jump right in it!

Something’s amiss.  Maybe you’re too small

To perceive the commode’s not a bath, that’s all!


The latrine idea is more complex

Than your brain can dissect before getting vex.

I don’t speak ‘baby’, your speech is poor.

So we’ll keep the lid down until you mature.


Later, we shall revisit this game

When Worm’s a bit older and I’m not yet lame.

We do concede now, lucky female.

But, I warn you be swift, for soon we’ll prevail!

Dad, This is The Smallest Bathtub Ever!

The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy By Vicki Iovine

The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine is a woman’s book.  It’s written by a woman and intended to be read by a woman.  Until now!  I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and learn about the secret conversation that transpires between women about the prenatal period.

The GGTP is an easy to read, light-hearted book about what happens during pregnancy.  All the good, bad, and ugly parts of being a pregnant woman are right there in black and white.  Pregnant women fart?  Wait, what?  Women fart?  I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.  This potentially mortifying information (to both man and woman) and more are scattered throughout.  For balance, the GGTP also includes some very pertinent information that one would find in a more clinical pregnancy text.

I find that men don’t talk as much as women.  We just don’t care have the right equipment.  Women have got a special part of the brain that allows them to carry on 5 conversations simultaneously, all while putting on makeup and driving. Also, women can go on in graphic detail about just about anything, whereas men usually leave some ideas to the imagination.  Hence, this book is an abbreviated compilation of many of those, um, vivid conversations women divulge to their closest peers about the curious happenings of being ‘with child’.

I liked this book for my wife because it made her first pregnancy more tangible and real.  She was more willing to accept the ideas presented here rather than from me.  Most women have a hard time seeing life as it really is, not like how life is on ‘Guiding Light’ or ‘As The World Turns’.  It’s not perfect and Iovine slaps the rose off your glasses and makes sure you see that pregnancy is not fuzzy and sweet and perfect.  It can also have its, um, unappealing side.  Therefore, if you think that pregnancy is full of glowing moms rubbing their bellies and relaxing in the sun for 3 trimesters, this book will blow your mind.

I had a few issues with this book, but not that took away too much from the charm.  This book was written by someone who used artificial reproductive technology (ART) to conceive and used the medical technology and pharmaceuticals available at her delivery.  I’ve got no problem with ART.  It’s great.  But, she fully endorses drugs over more natural forms of childbirth and even goes so far as to compare the two: “You can lie on a bed of nails to deliver your baby or you can lie on a bed of downy feathers.”  This statement is a fear-based one that still causes women to run straight for the epidural.  Pain is the body’s way of telling you something.  When you completely turn off the pain mechanism of the body, how are you supposed to know if both you and your baby are ok?  (Oh yeah, because of the probe on your baby’s head, the probe on your belly, the 2 IV drip bags, the ultrasound machine, and the pair of hands reaching into you and turning the baby because you don’t know that your body needs to turn slightly so that the baby drops naturally…Oh yeah, it can’t drop naturally.  Now, it’s time to do a C-section, because that’s fun…for the doctors.)

Iovine also says that “You can never get to the hospital too early”  Really?  From what I understand, hospitals don’t make money on filling beds with non-laboring women.  Figure out that a hospital’s first job is to make money and you’ll soon understand why there’s a push to getting you to push.  (Hospitals have to pay the insurance companies that control them!)  Besides, does anyone like to hang out at the hospital?  (It’s got more dangerous bacteria than your house…I digress.)  Hospitals have different policies on taking you in to the maternity ward before labor starts, so check with your local hospital for info.

Anyhow, if you can overlook the natural versus assisted labor & deliver debate, you can find the humor you need during those trying 10 months.  (Yes, pregnancy is 10 months, not 9.)  The laughter provided in the GGTP may be enough to jiggle your baby out!  Or at the very least, you may squirt a little pee onto your leg.

Overall Rating:  7 Worms   

Readability:  8 Worms

Usefulness:  6 Worms 

Manliness:  1 Worm (Unless the word girlfriend now includes men, there’s no manliness in this book for us.) 

Retail Price:  $15



Easy to read.  Entertaining, especially for first time moms.  May be a nice change from all the clinical pregnancy books you’re reading.


Some of the opinions are very strongly asserted.  (But hey, it’s her book right?)  The part about pregnancy fashion was way, way over my head…

Things I would modify:

Not much.  This book is a casual read.  I think it is targeted towards a woman who may be embarrassed about the changes her body is going through.  It’s aptly named as a girlfriend’s guide, because it has all the friendly character, charm, and support that one’s girlfriend would give.

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