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Keep Drinking Green Juice Worm, and You’ll Get Those Bumpy Muscles You’ve Been Asking About!

Green juice is all the rave nowadays…well, with the health conscious crowd anyways.  I’ve been drinking my own personal twist on green juice for a couple years now and have perfected the recipe.  It’s chock full of vitamins, minerals, and calories.  Yes, calories.

I’m active.  I workout a lot.  It’s mainly because I need the strength and stamina to carry babies, bags, and dogs day in and day out.  And sometimes I need a quick way to consume calories because someone’s screaming, someone needs a diaper change, or someone’s trying to jump off the coffee table without a cape…or sometimes all three.

It was only a couple months ago that I said to myself “Self, wouldn’t it be awesome if Worm loved Green Juice as much as I do?”  So I tried it on him…and he drank all of it!  I gave some to Smushie too.  She loved it too!  (For her, it doesn’t mean as much since she eats anything within arm’s length.)  I figured I was on to something.

I could finally get my kids to eat kale, spinach, flax, chia, and more?!  And they could get easily absorbed nutrients and healthy fiber from real food instead of gummy vitamins?

Here is probably the finest green juice recipe for you and your children, especially those picky kids that could use the calories to grow, grow, grow!  Oh yeah, it’s dairy free for those with lactose intolerance.

You’ll need a blender and a coffee grinder.  Calories are in brackets.


  • 1 cup organic carrot juice   [70]
  • 2 cups organic unsweetened almond milk or almond/coconut milk   [80]
  • 1/2 cup organic oatmeal [75]
  • 1 large handful organic greens (kale, chard, spinach, mizuna) [20] (You can use your favorite greens!)
  • 1/2 Tbsp ground black sesame seed [10]
  • 1 Tbsp organic chia seed [60] (Put in coffee grinder with flax seed and grind until fine)
  • 1 Tbsp organic flax seed [45]
  • 1 cup Serious Mass weight gainer [600]
  • 1/2 organic apple [50] (Remove the seeds and core)
  • 1 medium organic banana [110]
  • 2 Tbsp organic hemp protein [60]  (I like the cocoa flavored one!)
  • 1 Tbsp organic unsweetened almond butter [90]
  • 1 Tbsp organic unsweetened peanut butter [100]
  • 1 Tbsp organic coconut oil [100]
  • 1/2 Tbsp organic molasses [30]
  • TOTAL CALORIES = [1500]


Put 8oz carrot juice and 16 oz milk in blender.  Add 1/2 cup oatmeal and huge handful of greens.  Blend on high for a minute.

Put 1/2 tablespoon of sesame seed and 1 tablespoon of chia seed, and 1 tablespoon of flax seed in coffee grinder and grind until fine.  I buy the whole seed because the natural oils don’t degrade as quickly as if you bought pre-ground stuff.  Add ground seeds to blender.

Add 1 cup weight gainer, if you so choose to.  Blend on high for a minute.  (For me and my skinny little son, the extra calories are awesome!)

Add 1/2 apple and banana.  Add 2 tablespoons of hemp protein.  Add 1 tablespoon each of almond butter and peanut butter.  Add 1/2 tablespoon of molasses to sweeten if you wish.  Blend everything on high for two minutes to get a nice thick frothy drink!

NOTES:  It must be kept in the refrigerator, preferably in a closed container!  The MVG Super Green Juice only lasts about 48 hours.  After that it starts to go bad…yes, that’s what happens to real food.  It goes bad quickly.  So drink up!

It’s not quite green in color, but its still pretty darn good!

It just oozes healthiness!  It's like Richard Simmons and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a cup!

It just oozes healthiness! It’s like Richard Simmons and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a cup!

The Smushter likes to eat!  And that’s great, but what’s more important here is that I LOVE to eat.  When I’m hungry and can finally fix myself a meal (which usually happens after I’ve spent 90 minutes feeding the helpless ones and my stomach starts to digest itself), I make just enough food to get satiated.  No more.  No less.

I prepare to sit down and eat a peaceful, stress-free meal at the coffee table in the living room.  (The words “small children” and “peaceful” have never gone together in our house, but on the days full of morning beers, I feel like I’ve got Jedi powers…and I try to use the force to merge the two.)  As soon as my plate clunks the coffee table and my butt hits the floor, the vultures children congregate, one performing FDA inspection of the plate contents, and the other poking my food to make sure it’s dead.

The older “inspector” doesn’t usually grab pieces of food off my plate.  He’s mostly just looking at it.  But 9 out of 10 times, my food doesn’t pass his standards and the punishment has him climbing on my back with arms wrapped around my neck choking me into unconsciousness oblivion.  Even that’s not that terrible, because when enough oxygen gets back into my head, I can shovel a morsel into my mouth.  It’s the younger “food critic” that’s worse.  She’s uncouth, picking and poking at my dishes.  She tests and taints my meal when it doesn’t meet her approval.  And her reaction is always the same.  She pulls the wet, half-chewed food out of her mouth and places some on my plate.  Then she spits the rest of the pieces onto my face and food in disgust.

It was time to put my foot down.  If I didn’t stop the madness, I’d die of starvation.  (I guess I could die by asphyxiation, but that’s much worse than keeling over with an empty stomach.  Much worse.)  So I devised a plan…mainly against the Smush, because she can ruin a whole meal for me just by spitting on it.  I decided that I’d buy some spicy potato chips and bait/entice/lure her to pick and poke away at my food.   When she loads up her mouth, she gets hit with a blast of mouth burning discomfort.  (Yes, I even amaze myself with my own cleverness!)

Let’s just say that my ruse worked like a charm!  Smush grabbed a fistful of chips off my rigged plate and got a faceful of hotness!  I couldn’t help but fall over laughing at the look on her face.  That’ll teach her to just put any and everything in her big boca!

What better way to stop a baby from grabbing handfuls of food from your plate than clubbing her?  The answer is clearly jalapeno potato chips.  It’s a technique that’s not in the textbooks, but it’s great for those parents that just want to eat in peace…or some semblance thereof.


Ha ha ha ha!  Now, who has the last laugh!  I'm still on top, Mushy Mushy!

Ha ha ha ha! I Got Ya, Mushy Mushy!

Gavin – 30; Honeydaddy – 20 (I know it’s a win against Smush, but I’m giving myself the point here.  I’m just too excited and tickled about this!)

I asked the good man (or woman) above to help me get through the rest of my day and these are the words he blessed my ear with.

“Son, drink the juice of the noble cane and all under 3 feet tall shall be forgotten.  And if not forgotten, they will blur into the background…”

So I did.

Remember, drink two and double your pleasure, double your fun!

Remember, drink two and double your pleasure, double your fun!


  • 2 oz. cachaça, room temperature.  (I like the Ypioca brand for it’s nice mellow taste.)
  • 1 tbsp. brown sugar, packed
  • 1/4 lime, wedged
  • 4 cherries, pitted
  • ice


Put lime and pitted cherries into a glass.  Using a pestle, take your parenting frustrations out mainly on the cherries and a tad on lime wedges.  Beat them to a bloody pulp, yell at them, and curse their ancestors.

Now add the brown sugar and caipirinha.  Mix with a stirring rod for 15-30 seconds.  Add ice and serve cold.  (Don’t be a bonehead.  This is a sweet treat for adults, not kids.)

It's Working!  Praise Heaven!

It’s Working! Praise Heaven! (I Think Worm is Around Here Somewhere…”

It sounded too good to be true.  Really?  I can get 6 additional Krispy Kreme doughnuts for $2 more?  Even the custard filled ones?  How do they make any money??

Using all the restraint I had in my body, I declined the dirty dozen and walked away from a deal of a lifetime with my measly six-pack under one arm and Worm under the other.  That was 3 days ago.  Yet, it wasn’t until yesterday that I was sure I made the right decision on those delectable doohickies.

Monday started off with normal levels of chaos as I prepared for a trip to the zoo.  Sure, Worm is two years old.  Sure, I wish I could velcro him to the floor while I get Smush ready to leave the house.  But even with Wormie on the loose, I was still able to get us out the front door by 9:20.

We got back and everyone took their noon nap.  Regular stuff.  When Mini Me and Micro Me woke up, they were ready for food.  I (being the great dad that I am) decided to give Worm dessert before lunch.  I cut up a chocolate sprinkle special from the box and gave it to him.  It was a bad move.

The tasty treat lit up his veins and for the rest of the day my once mild-mannered two-year old (oxymoron?) became Bonkers Boy!  All afternoon and well into evening, there was nonstop talking, running, throwing, panting, jumping, falling, screaming and unlistening.  I seriously thought about pulling out the belt on him…to hogtie his little hands and feet together.  I was blown away by what I saw for the next 6 hours.

I heard the words ‘Honeydaddy’ about 500 times…in the first hour.  I almost ripped my ears off trying to make it stop.  If we were in a cemetery, his repetitive ramblings would have turned the dead.  The dude opened and closed the same bedroom door about twenty times in the time it took me to take a half pee.  (I couldn’t focus on what I was doing and cut it off mid-stream.)  Stuff was being hurled across the house.  Legos, blocks, balls, measuring cups, anything he could grab.  I found myself shielding Smushie from him forcefully flinging furry figurines (or stuffed animals).  The worst was that Worm wouldn’t listen to anything I said.  (Is this foreshadowing of what having a teenager is like?)  My words and his brain cells were like two ships passing in the night.  As a note,  my little boy usually responds to 25% of what I say.  Yesterday, his possessed soul would only respond to the voices in his head.

I don’t feed the Worm much in the way of artificial anything.  We try to avoid low-fat, no fat, artificially sweetened, artificially colored, artificially flavored, zero calorie, or diet anything.  That sh!t is so chemically ridden and untested that we’d be better off smoking crack in a cesspit.  And I’m no expert on ADHD either, but after this, um, ‘experience’, I’d be hard pressed not to believe that there’s a connection.  I’ve always felt that it’s not just the sugar that made kids come unhinged, but the artificial crap that usually goes along with it…and now I’m leaning even more that way.

He’s back to his normally fast-paced self today, and half the speed freak he was 24 hours ago.  Maybe it was just a fluke.  Maybe a solar flare was radiating directly at Worm’s little white behind, I don’t know.  But I’ll tell you one thing.  I’m not going to repeat that purchase any time soon.  (You know how when you feel funny after eating something, you tend to avoid that food for a while?)  We’re going to avoid the KK (and their delicious custard filling) for an undetermined time.  I’m scarred.  Yesterday was a day that I’m happy is in the rearview mirror.  (I was counting the seconds for Steph to come home and save me from Bonkers Boy.  I think I threw him at her and ran away before she even walked in the front door.  Sorry, honeybaby!)

For now, we’re avoiding doughnuts and hopefully Bonkers Boy as well…I’m afraid.  I’m very afraid…

Worm, There's Something Different About You Today and I Can't Quite Put My Finger On It...

Worm, There’s Something Different About You Today and I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On It…

Am I happy that Worm is finally eating more than four orange Tic Tacs a day?  Absolutely!  Do I apologize for selfishly asking the Worm not to grow up?  Yes!  I had no idea that (a) he understood what I was saying, and (b) that he could slow his body processes down like a meditating Zen master.  He’s been the same size for five straight months, which has been a little disconcerting to me.  I know it’s my fault because I asked him to be a child forever…and he complied by starving himself.  I recently changed my mind about it.  I want to see him grow up and blossom into the beautiful flower I know he can be.  Ok, I really just want him to grow up so he can wipe his own derriere…

So, I’ve been trying to convince Worm to eat more calories by both examining new feeding techniques as well as by introducing new foods.  Here are the three best thoughts that have crossed my mind about feeding the lad.

  1. Generously sprinkling powdered sugar on breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  If it works 30% of the time, every time, I’ll be 100% satisfied!
  2. Maybe Worm has a worm.  Give Worm a box of orange Tic Tacs daily to flush out possible intestinal parasites.  It may bring his appetite back.  If Yellow 6 can kill humans, it can surely kill a parasite.  I’ll just have to deal with the side effects of child hyperactivity and possible cancer…There’s a reason some European countries have banned the politely named ‘sunset yellow’…but if the FDA deems it safe, it must be safe, right?  Sorry, I accidentally fell onto a soapbox.
  3. Attach an IR receiving device to Worm’s head and wire it directly into the hypothalamus to stimulate hunger anytime a remote control is pointed at him.

And the winner is….#3!  Although, I didn’t have to wire up anything.  I learned that Worm was born with all the sensors for remote control operation!  I just needed to pick the correct remote.

Our TV babysits Worm at times (not all the time) throughout the day so that I can tend to his sweet sister.  It’s been helping us out tremendously and it only costs us $8.99 a month for unlimited streaming childcare.  That’s a hell of a bargain if you ask me, since live babysitters are charging $20 an hour in this millennium.  If you remember from last year, Worm would ‘zombie eat’ in front of the TV.  But since he’s gotten smarter (and more lazy), I’ve had to adapt as well.  He no longer zombie eats.  He just doesn’t eat at all.  He just stares blankly at the television screen, as if Curious George, Mater, and Trotro are going to jump into his mouth and magically fill his belly with nutrition.  Previously, I was shoving food into Wormie’s pie hole every 30-60 seconds.  That was very tedious, (probably because I cut his food up too small).  Then recently, I stumbled upon a handy-dandy remote-operated solution.

One day last week, in a fit of frustration, (every day is some level of frustration when you’re taking care of kids…) I said “Worm, if you don’t eat something, I’m going to stop the show.”

Of course, he scoffed at my feeble threat.  “No no no!” as he waved his index finger in the air at me.  (Who taught him that?  I’d like to wave a certain finger at that person, sans jest.)

I grabbed the PS3 remote control and pressed the pause button.  Worm’s eyes got huge and he looked over at me like the Inca looked at the Spanish conquistadors.  Once he saw that I had the power to freeze television, the war was over.  Awestruck, he grabbed a morsel of food, chewed it the recommended 25 times and swallowed hard.  With another wave of my arm, I let the cartoon characters continue their silly little tirade for the Worm.    I’m pretty sure that now he thinks that he has to eat in order to keep his TV companions alive.  I’m ok with that.  (I’ll tell him the truth on his 18th birthday.)

Sure, I have to ‘impress’ Worm with my god-like power every so often when he stops eating, his eyes begin to glaze over at the screen, and his food begins to get cold…but it beats me having to sit there and spoon feed him for 45 minutes every meal.

Gavin – 24; Honeydaddy – 13 (I stumbled upon this amazing toddler feeding technique kind of like the guy that accidentally created potato chips.  Accidental or not, I still get the credit for it.  Ca-ching!)

Imagine Seeing That Face Coming Towards You in a Dark Alley! Scary!

Imagine Seeing That Face Coming Towards You in a Dark Alley! Scary!

Honeydaddybars - Gluten free, dairy free, meat free home made fruit and date bars!

Honeydaddybars – Gluten free, dairy free, meat free homemade fruit and date bars!

Yes, they’re named after me.  Didn’t Mr. Lara name his bars after himself?  If you like Larabars, these will make you jump for joy.  Larabars are delicious, but I thought I’d add some extra ingredients and nutrition to this traditional date and nut bar.  So, I put on my baker’s hat (you know, the puffy white one that only true chefs wear), studied a few homemade larabar-esque recipes online and designed the most tastiest bar ever, the Honeydaddybar.

My bars are an awesome snack to everyone in the house except for Worm (because he’s two and hates everything edible right now)…and Smush (because, well, she doesn’t have teeth to sink in to them yet).  So, that just leaves the dogs, Steph and I.  The dogs aren’t the most discerning foodies, but then that keeps me from setting the bar too high for myself.

Now the great thing about these bars is that they are vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy free, and easy on the gastrointestinal tract.  (I think they’re Paleo diet friendly as well.)  They’re great tasting and a healthy snack for anyone on the go.

This is my first batch and I’ll update with more flavors down the road.  It’s a great snack for kids that is healthy and tasty!


  • 2 cups pitted dates (make sure all the pits are out!)
  • 1/2 cup dried fig (I use Calimyrna, but any type of fig should work here)
  • 1/2 cup sunflower seeds (roasted and salted)
  • 1/2 cup cashews (roasted and salted)
  • 1 Tbsp chia seed
  • 1/2 cup dried cherries (pitted, of course)
  • 1 Tbsp peanut butter
  • 1 Tbsp coconut oil


Toss everything into the food processor.  Grind until it becomes uniform in mixture.  It should turn into a big ball when everything is mixed up properly.  If the mixture doesn’t stick together very well, you can add more dates or add more coconut oil to moisten it up a bit.

Use a roller to flatten the mixture onto parchment paper or flat surface.  Cut into animal shapes or former presidents’ faces, whatever floats your boat.  Serve.  (I only had Halloween cookie cutters in the cupboard, so that’s what I used.  So, no the ones in the picture are not from last October…)

Keep refrigerated in air tight container.

I’m not the expert on gaining weight.  I’ve been lean and lithe all of my life.  But, I assure you that it’s not from lack of nutrition.  I can eat enough food to support a small neighborhood.  My body happens to be a pretty efficient machine.  When I eat a small amount in a day, my activity levels drop to conserve energy.  When I eat a lot, my activity levels go into overdrive.  And vice versa (or visa versa as they say in the South).  My activity levels will also direct my food portion size.  A big mountain bike ride will require the minimum equivalent of a carne asada burrito, a chicken taco, and an order of chips and salsa.

I think the Worm has taken his inherited energy efficiency to another level.  His body has evolved to run on air, juice, and a couple of gummy snacks (no, not a couple of packages…a couple of pieces).  He’s done an inordinate amount of jumping, playing, and exploring on barely a whiff of French toast and syrup in the morning.

It’s no secret that we’ve our doctors been having problems with Worm’s weight.  So much so, that the pediatrician is holding the phone and ready to dial child services.  (This is our last-ditch effort to keep the government from crying child neglect and placing Worm in a foster home to be ‘better’ cared for.)  Desperate times call for desperate measures and health gets thrown out the window as we must get Worm into the ‘normal’ weight range for his age.  Or else.

The other reason to fatten up the little guy is that at some point, survival mode will take over and Worm will start eating everything.  Not wanting to wake up one day to find Worm feasting on a handful of dirt and leaves from the yard, I thought it best to open every door of opportunity to get calories into his body the normal way.  (Pica is a pretty cool physiological mechanism until the doctor has to pull rocks out of your kid’s belly and you get slapped with a fat bill.)  If it was up to me, I’d keep with the car analogy, drop a funnel into Worm’s mouth and just pour a bunch of peanut butter and molasses down his gullet.  But, the boss doesn’t agree with me treating Worm like a transportation vehicle.  So I have to improvise.

It’s common knowledge that the best way to put on weight is to eat low-fat/non-fat foods and anything with artificial sweeteners krapfens, Berliners, ponchiks, oliebollens, beignets, or as we Americans call them, doughnuts.  We thought to visit the local Krispy Kreme to show our son that empty calories can be deliciously filled with custard and garnished with rainbow sprinkles.

On the way to the doughnut shop, I was explaining to the Worm that doughnuts are in the same family as almonds, hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, and peanuts.  They grow on trees like other nuts, but not here on Earth.  There are farms in heaven that are owned by Monsanto, where angels pick the different varietals (eclairs, glazed, jelly-filled, etc.) during the summer season.  Most are brought down here for human consumption and delivered to places like Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Doughnuts, and supermarkets.  The rest of the doughnuts are eaten by _____ (insert your God here) and that’s what makes him/her larger than life itself.

I finished my story just as we pulled up to the KK and Worm nodded as if he understood.  But, it wasn’t until we walked inside and he bit into his first ever doughnut, that it sunk in.  We were standing inside an extension of heaven eating fruit of the deities.

I think we may have found the answer to our weight gaining prayers…

A Place with Free Doughnuts?  It's Out of This World!

A Place with Free Doughnuts? It’s Out of This World!

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