Am I happy that Worm is finally eating more than four orange Tic Tacs a day?  Absolutely!  Do I apologize for selfishly asking the Worm not to grow up?  Yes!  I had no idea that (a) he understood what I was saying, and (b) that he could slow his body processes down like a meditating Zen master.  He’s been the same size for five straight months, which has been a little disconcerting to me.  I know it’s my fault because I asked him to be a child forever…and he complied by starving himself.  I recently changed my mind about it.  I want to see him grow up and blossom into the beautiful flower I know he can be.  Ok, I really just want him to grow up so he can wipe his own derriere…

So, I’ve been trying to convince Worm to eat more calories by both examining new feeding techniques as well as by introducing new foods.  Here are the three best thoughts that have crossed my mind about feeding the lad.

1. Generously sprinkling powdered sugar on breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  If it works 30% of the time, every time, I’ll be 100% satisfied!
2. Maybe Worm has a worm.  Give Worm a box of orange Tic Tacs daily to flush out possible intestinal parasites.  It may bring his appetite back.  If Yellow 6 can kill humans, it can surely kill a parasite.  I’ll just have to deal with the side effects of child hyperactivity and possible cancer…There’s a reason some European countries have banned the politely named ‘sunset yellow’…but if the FDA deems it safe, it must be safe, right?  Sorry, I accidentally fell onto a soapbox.
3. Attach an IR receiving device to Worm’s head and wire it directly into the hypothalamus to stimulate hunger anytime a remote control is pointed at him.

And the winner is….#3!  Although, I didn’t have to wire up anything.  I learned that Worm was born with all the sensors for remote control operation!  I just needed to pick the correct remote.

Our TV babysits Worm at times (not all the time) throughout the day so that I can tend to his sweet sister.  It’s been helping us out tremendously and it only costs us $8.99 a month for unlimited streaming childcare.  That’s a hell of a bargain if you ask me, since live babysitters are charging $20 an hour in this millennium.  If you remember from last year, Worm would ‘zombie eat’ in front of the TV.  But since he’s gotten smarter (and more lazy), I’ve had to adapt as well.  He no longer zombie eats.  He just doesn’t eat at all.  He just stares blankly at the television screen, as if Curious George, Mater, and Trotro are going to jump into his mouth and magically fill his belly with nutrition.  Previously, I was shoving food into Wormie’s pie hole every 30-60 seconds.  That was very tedious, (probably because I cut his food up too small).  Then recently, I stumbled upon a handy-dandy remote-operated solution.

One day last week, in a fit of frustration, (every day is some level of frustration when you’re taking care of kids…) I said “Worm, if you don’t eat something, I’m going to stop the show.”

Of course, he scoffed at my feeble threat.  “No no no!” as he waved his index finger in the air at me.  (Who taught him that?  I’d like to wave a certain finger at that person, sans jest.)

I grabbed the PS3 remote control and pressed the pause button.  Worm’s eyes got huge and he looked over at me like the Inca looked at the Spanish conquistadors.  Once he saw that I had the power to freeze television, the war was over.  Awestruck, he grabbed a morsel of food, chewed it the recommended 25 times and swallowed hard.  With another wave of my arm, I let the cartoon characters continue their silly little tirade for the Worm.    I’m pretty sure that now he thinks that he has to eat in order to keep his TV companions alive.  I’m ok with that.  (I’ll tell him the truth on his 18th birthday.)

Sure, I have to ‘impress’ Worm with my god-like power every so often when he stops eating, his eyes begin to glaze over at the screen, and his food begins to get cold…but it beats me having to sit there and spoon feed him for 45 minutes every meal.

Gavin – 24; Honeydaddy – 13 (I stumbled upon this amazing toddler feeding technique kind of like the guy that accidentally created potato chips.  Accidental or not, I still get the credit for it.  Ca-ching!)

Imagine Seeing That Face Coming Towards You in a Dark Alley! Scary!