Bye Bye Hollywood Heartthrob, Hello Lab Rat

September 10, 2012 //
5

We’ve given up on show business (for now).  Hollywood is a tough act to crack into and we’ve faced rejection one too many times.  (It  was just one time.  We have fragile egos to mend!) So, I’ve been looking for other ways to exploit showcase the Worm and his burgeoning talents.

Enter the Infant Development Study!  This study is currently being held in San Diego (California), Montreal (Canada, not Wisconsin), and Geneva (Switzerland, not Illinois).  If you live near any one of these cities and wish to participate, click the link above or at the bottom of the page.

The IDS has now added my son, Gavin, aka #6.022 x 10^23, into their child development program where he will be tested in the area of language development every 6 months until he turns 4 years old and is ready for school.

Coffee and creampuffs now! Otherwise, it’s too early for this crap!

Of course, I saw right through the smoke and mirrors and wittingly uncovered a baby IQ test!  My anxiety shot through the roof as I wondered:  Is Worm learning at a normal rate?  Is he below average?  Why does he grunt so much?  What if his intelligence score is too low?  Am I talking to him enough?  Do I E-NUN-CI-ATE or do I mumble?  Is that why he can’t understand English?  Is social services going to take away my little ape man because I haven’t taught him enough words?  Am I a roadblock to his learning capability?

When I arrived at the Child Development Lab at the San Diego State University, I was mesmerized by the toys and bright colors of the room and my anxiety quickly subsided.  Worm was working the ‘ignorance is bliss’ angle.  He had no idea what was going on, save for the fact that there were pretty women surrounding and smiling at him.  We both looked at each other and knew that the only way things could get better was if they had Goonies on the TV and let us put our feet on the couch.

The main test had Worm sitting on my lap in front of a touch screen computer (which he doesn’t have at home).  He was shown two objects and was told to “Touch the ….”.  If he touched the correct object, the screen would repeat the word and move on to the next two pictured objects.  If he touched the incorrect object, his parent would get an electric charge (akin to that of a wet tongue on a 9V battery) from the chair.  By the end of the testing, the room smelled like fried porkskin and I lost some butt hair.  (Ok, the last part wasn’t real.  But, if these were the consequences, how many more parents do you think would become involved in their child’s education?)

The experiment study didn’t take Worm away from me (even though the whole time he forgot I was in the room with him), stick him in a cage with chimps, or give him an opportunity to go home with new parents.  I asked if there was a pill that could expand Worm’s brain function like in the movie Limitless, but they looked at me as if I should stop procreating before I pass on my stupidity.  (It’s too late!  We’ve got another baby on the way!)

Gators! I love the Gators! They’re all over my bedroom wall!

All in all, it was a great experience and the team that worked with Worm was warm and friendly.  On top of letting us hang out for an hour, they gave Worm a Target gift card for $25 and I got a cool squeaky wind-up racecar!  Worm chewed on his gift card and I played with my new racecar for the entire drive home!  (Can you say, awesome!)

The study is looking for more parents with kids between 14 and 17 months old.  Every visit takes about 60 minutes (90 minutes if your kid is a PITA) and you get something for your time and participation.  Visits to the lab are only every 6 months, so it’s not a huge time commitment.  But, the overall benefit of participation is in helping the study of infant language development all over the world.

Here are some links to get you started:

San Diego State University Infant and Child Development Laboratory

University of California San Diego Cognitive Development Laboratory

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Categories Education

I Saw a SAHD! He Was Standing There in Broad Daylight!

September 6, 2012 //
2

It’s the Frightful and Elusive Worm Yeti!

Stay at home dads are being spotted on playgrounds all across America!  Once shunned from society, SAHD sightings have surpassed the Yeti, or Abominable Snowman if they’re the same guy.  (Though, the statistics are marred because some of the grizzly, unkempt SAHDs are occasionally mistaken for Yeti…)  Other SAHDs who have worn disguises for years, are finding increased acceptance.  They have tossed off their wigs and heels and can show their true selves to the public without being ridiculed and emasculated.  We are not ashamed to be SAHD anymore!  (Cue up the music…”It’s Raining Men!  Hallelujah it’s raining men!”)  It’s a new era for us!  You can’t spell millennium without M-E-N!  It’s impossible!  I’ve tried!

A few years back in history (because you can’t go forward), the Women’s Liberation Movement brought more women into the workforce.  Excited (and possibly hysterical) mothers dropped their aprons and hair nets to rush off into the working world.  With the mass exodus from the home, neglected irons melted pants, abandoned ovens burned bread, and worst of all, unsupervised children were left with no one to answer their cries for food and love.

Fortunately, the supersonic hearing and ninja-like instincts of fathers everywhere picked up the distress signals.  What summoned these “ordinary men” to spring out of their office chairs and back towards the home was the selfless desire to save mankind by rescuing the forsaken toddlers and babies of this fine country and investing in their livelihood.  Many fathers cast off their work uniforms exposing tight red underwear (very much unlike Spanx) and a matching red cape (Not terracotta, not chestnut, not fuchsia and certainly not amaranth.  RED!)  These heroes instantly dropped their work lives and flew (at the speed of sound, of course) home to put out the fires that their wives had so carelessly ignited.  Children were scooped up with one hairy powerful hand and soothed by the gentle manliness of the other.  Never before had young ones, families and the entire universe felt so safe.  And it’s getting safer as more fathers are staying home with their children.

Fathers all over the world continue to answer this call to be the noble stay-at-home parent.  So, the next time your workweek lunch break shows you a dad holding a child (or holding a beer, or even holding a child holding a beer), thank him or give him a corn dog or something.  Because it’s your future, the Earth’s future he is looking out for.

In the last ten years SAHDs have doubled, but the percentage of dads that stay at home are still small at 3.4%, according to Boston College Center for Work and Family.  To read an informative blog post that has a good point of view on the SAHD trend, click the article link below.  (Nanny.net also features information on finding a nanny near you, becoming a nanny, and information about nannies in general.)

Related Links:

Are Stay-At-Home Dads on the Rise? – Nanny.Net Blog

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Categories News

The First Haircut

August 30, 2012 //
0

Before I became a parent, I never understood why every baby I saw was a micro-version of Cousin Itt.  (I know.  You’re probably thinking Southern California is full of organic tie-dye hippie types that don’t want to disturb nature by doing anything un-natural to baby like brushing its teeth, washing its body, or doing the most anti-hippie thing possible…cutting its hair.  Well, you’re half right.)

The reason these parents don’t cut their baby’s hair is because unlike adult hair, baby hair has nerve endings that can cause baby to scream in agony when severed.  That seems to be the only logical reason why they would scream during haircuts.  Don’t worry though, they should grow out of it.

Parents get attached to their baby’s hair.  It’s that simple.  You’ve created this little monster bundle of joy and you want to know whether his or her hair will grow out curly or stay straight.  You want to know if the sun will change baby hair color better than bottle bleach.  You want to know if baby will naturally develop a ‘Billy Idol‘ or ‘Jennifer Aniston‘ hairdo.  (Don’t ask me why these two hairstyles came to mind.)  Or your kid was born with premature male pattern baldness and you’re praying for enough growth to do a combover.  We fell into this last category.

We had to let Worm’s hair grow out to cover up the baldness.  Sadly, time traded us the hairy cul-de-sac for an 80’s mullet.  Steph and I lived with our decision (to do nothing) for a while, but what message were we sending to America by letting Worm sport a mullet?  That American children should mix business with pleasure?  That it’s ok to look like a boy from the front and a girl from behind?  How could we add fuel to the gender confused fire that our country fearfully burns.  We both knew that in this day and age, our society was not advanced enough to accept the unconservative mullet hairstyle…even though Jesus rocked a feather mullet.  But, I’m not judging here.  I’m just sayin’.

Although Steph and I talked about trimming Worm’s hair for a couple months, we only made the decision after a brief (yet, life-changing) encounter with a mother and child outside our favorite Chinese food restaurant.

“How old’s your little girl?”

Perplexed that this woman couldn’t see a strapping young lad of 15 months behind his long, pretty eyelashes, delicate facial features, and curly ringlets, I played along.  “My baby is 15 months old.  Not walking yet, though.  Like your son.”

“Oh, be careful what you wish for.  Once your girl starts walking, you’ll be chasing her around everywhere.”

There she goes again.  Why does she emphasize GIRL?  At this point, I can’t just tell this lady that my ‘she’ is a ‘he’.  It’s too late.  We’re too far into our conversational relationship.  (Saying anything at this point is akin to telling your soon-to-be wife at the alter that you are starting to have second thoughts.  Awkward.)  To save her the mentally scarring thought that my son is the most effeminate boy she’s ever seen, I allow this woman to reassign Worm’s gender for the length of the conversation.

When this mom and toddler left, Steph and I figured it was time for a trim.

Dad, No Time For Cutting My Hair! I’ve Got To Figure Out What This Thing Is!

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Categories MVG Oddities

I’ll Knock This Baby Out of the Park! (Don’t worry, baby != baby girl)

August 28, 2012 //
1

(The title is a bad nerd joke.  Sorry, I try to control it with medication.)

Should I have my anxiety attack now or after #2 is born?  I know nothing about girls.

Let me explain further.  I know absolutely nothing about girls.  Just ask my wife…

I don’t know if there’s anything that can prepare me for a baby girl more adding an extra bathroom and expanding her dress closet.

Luckily, the internet has loads of the parenting answers that clueless dads like me are searching for.  So, pink doilies, pink ponies, and pink sweatpants with ‘PINK’ written on the backside will be showing up on our doorstep soon.  Thank you Al Gore for one-click internet shopping!

I feel like the expectations for me to raise a little girl properly are high.  With Worm, the bar is set on the ground.  Keep him from torching himself.  Keep him from cracking open his head.  Make sure his limbs and digits stay attached to his body.  Pat him on the back every now and then with a “Good job, son.” thrown in for positive support.  No one second guesses your parenting style with a boy.  They just say “Oh.  He’s a spirited one!” or “He’s got some gumption!”  (Ok, no one under 60 says that anymore, but you get my drift.  Does anyone even say ‘drift’ anymore?)

With a little girl, I fear the mothers’ stink eye.  When we go out in public, I’m sure every mother will be peering into my daddy daughtering techniques.  They’ve got to, right?  I’m raising one of their own species.  They will gasp and chatter about how I’m doing this all wrong and that I’m doing that all wrong.  And that I don’t understand because I’m a man.  I’ll just smile and say “Oh, this time of month is rough for you, eh?  But don’t worry, you look like you’ll be post-menopausal soon.”  Then I’ll just grab #2 and run away as fast as I can!

I know what they are going to say to me.  “You’re supposed to braid her hair, not tie a double overhand knot into it!” Or “Can’t you see the mauve pants and periwinkle tube tops don’t match her green jelly strap sandals?” (Luckily, I can use color blindness as my escape plan.  Ah, the old X chromosome deformity excuse.)  Or even better “Why isn’t she allowed to go to the spa and get a mani-pedi facial?  She’s already 3 years old!”

As a reference, here’s what men are going to tell me.  “You’ve got a girl?  Good luck brother.  I hope you make it out alive.”  Or “Holy crap man.  With two women in the house, you should set up a bed in the garage for the one week a month you’ll be hiding out there.  It will help you defend yourself.”  Or the extremely terrifying delivery of “You’re going to find out more about women than you ever wanted to know. You’ll think the loony bin makes more sense than your house.”

Girls are fragile.  Girls are delicate.  Watch what you say to them.  They are sensitive.  You can’t treat them like boys.  You’ve got to wipe them the other way.  Don’t manhandle them.  Girls are not designed to do one thing at time.  Don’t hold her upside down, her insides may shift around or even fall out.  Don’t say no to your daughter, it will scar her for life.  

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  I’m so nervous and excited that I’m just going to close my eyes and let the bat rip.

3 Lines (near the arrow) = Girl. 3 Lines (near the arrow) != pumpkin turned on it’s side with part of the bottom missing.

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Categories MVG Oddities

Well if you must know…

August 23, 2012 //
0

…Baby #2 is a girl!

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Categories Uncategorized

#2, Can You Hear Me? Hold On While I Blast You With High Frequency Noise (POLL)

August 22, 2012 //
0

Our gang is growing by 20%.  (For you number crunchers, I’m including our furry kids too!)  The current ratio of male members to female members is 4:1.  The testosterone laden bunch (mainly me, at this point) rule the roost when Steph’s at work.

Is this lopsided ratio going to even out a little?  I’m 99.9% sure that it won’t.  Using my magical powers of deduction and perception, it’s certain.  Once the stork drops off #2, we’ll be looking at a baby with a few extra body parts, if you know what I mean.  And if Steph thinks she’s outnumbered now, just wait until January.  It will be more of the same rip-roaring, dirt flinging, frog catching, video-game playing, beer drinking, alphabet burping and musical farting action at our place!

(Besides, who wants a pretty little baby girl to muck up the manliness we’ve got goin’ on by wrapping daddy around her little finger and getting her way all the time?  Not me…Ok, maybe that would be awesome too…)

We’ve got a couple days left until the ultrasound.

You got guts?  Wanna bet against the house?  VOTE IN THE BLACK BOX ABOVE!

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Categories MVG Oddities

Please Son, Tell Me Everything is Alright…

August 21, 2012 //
1

(This post was from last week, but there were technical difficulties with WordPress.)

There are days when the toll of fatherhood drills the very core of a man.  That toll wanted to be paid in full this morning.  Not in money, but in pounds of sanity.  (It’s happened to me before.  But, I’ve always blacked out from mental anguish only to later wake up remembering nothing at all.)  As I sat there in the living room staring at my progeny, I could only wonder what was sticking to my neck, how much alcohol could ease me through to Friday, and why I could translate Curious George’s cackles into full sentences.

Then, I was snapped back into the present with Duncan licking baby yogurt off my foot.  I just couldn’t bring the right attitude to the day.  I was in a bad mood and needed to zone out on the couch for a few uninterrupted hours.  Is that wrong?  Could I just toss Worm into his crib, close the door and let him amuse himself all afternoon?  Was I shirking my responsibility as a parent?  Should I be ashamed for not wanting to clean poop, wipe up food, or chase Worm around ad nauseum today?  If life had a pause feature, the second button press wouldn’t come until dinner time.

I stared off into space as Worm played with his food.  My brain was checking out.  I didn’t want to deal with the chores and baby that lay in front of me.  I couldn’t will myself to be engaging, funny or entertaining.  On the outside, I wasn’t more than a body taking up space.  On the inside, I was somewhere else entirely.  My guilty conscience rattled between my ears that “A good dad wouldn’t be so disconnected.  You should make an effort to ‘be’ with the Worm.  He needs you.  It’s your job.  Selfish asshole.”

A good dad.  I sure as hell didn’t feel like one and my thoughts concurred.  Even my actions spoke loud and clear that I was in no mood to be a dad today.   I didn’t want to do dad stuff.  I didn’t want to play with toy cars, or dig in the sand lot, or cut hot dogs into bite size pieces.  I was worn out, beat down, and drained.  I needed to recharge.

Then as if he heard me, Worm stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with the sweetest look only your child could give.  He patted me on the elbow and smiled as if to say “It’s alright, dad.  I think you’re doing a great job and I love you.”

Then he rest his head on my arm and gave me his little Worm hug.

I shed a couple tears realizing the Worm was there for me as much as I was there for him.

There are as many pillars as there are people in a family.  And when the roof starts to shake and one pillar weakens, the strength of the other pillars are plain to see.  We’re all holding this house together, no one more than the next.  (It’s a good reason to have plenty of kids…)  Thanks for your love and support Worm!

Gavin – 15; Dad – 7 (Bring me those hot dogs.  I’m ready to julienne the hell out of them for you again, Worm!)

We Pick Each Other Up…

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Categories Random Thoughts
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