Oh boy, here we go again…

The wife decided to kill two birds with one stone and schedule both our children’s doctor visits for the same day.  A 2-year checkup for the Worm.  (I can’t believe he’s made it 2 years.  I pat myself on the back.)  A 2-month checkup for the Smush.

Steph and I bring both kids to the doctor’s office.  As I sit in the waiting room, I look over at one child and think to myself “Wow, This girl has got a jovial attitude, plus a great appetite to boot.  She’s growing.  She looks healthy.  The doctor is going to love her.”

I look over at my other child who is dripping snot all over the floor and trying to cough up his left lung for us to see.  I think to myself “Oh my god.  He’s sick and miserable.  I can see all of his ribs.  The doctor’s going to think we’ve stopped feeding him.  We (I use the term ‘we’ loosely.  I really mean Steph) are going to jail for neglect.”

It’s obvious where all of our efforts have been focused.  (Can you guess who our new favorite child is?)

Smushie checks out great.  According to the NIH, here’s where we are with her development:

  • Physical and motor-skill markers:
    • Closing of soft spot at the back of the head (posterior fontanelle)   (SO SHE’S GOING TO BE HARD HEADED, HUH?)
    • Several newborn reflexes, such as the stepping reflex and grasp reflex disappear  (WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL TO MAKE A HUMAN MARIONETTE OUT OF HER.  TOO LATE NOW.)
    • When on stomach, able to lift head almost 45 degrees  (IF I WAIT LONG ENOUGH, SHE’LL EVEN SHOOT MILK FROM HER MOUTH)
    • Less flexing of the arms and legs while lying on the stomach  (BUT SHE’S STARTED DOING A BIT MORE FLEXING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR)

    Sensory and cognitive markers:

    • Beginning to look at close objects  (EVEN GOES CROSS-EYED FOR THE REALLY CLOSE STUFF)
    • Different cries means different things  (SHE CRIES FOR RED WINE AND CHOCOLATE TOO)
    • Head turns from side to side with sound at the level of the ear  (DOG CLICKER TRAINING WORKS ON KIDS TOO!)
    • Smiles  (ALL THE TIME!  BEAUTIFUL!)
    • Responds to familiar voices  (RESPONDS TO CURIOUS GEORGE’S VOICE THE MOST.  THANKS WORM.)

The Smush is on track and passes her tests with flying colors.  Worm, on the other hand, brings about a host of questions from the doctor.  Since most of communication is unspoken, I will translate the literal dialogue into the real interpretation conveyed.

Doc:  “He hasn’t gained any weight in the past 6 months.”   (“You are feeding him, right?”  Let me just make note of the signs of neglect in my records.)

Me:  “He just doesn’t have an appetite for food.  He can go days without eating.”  (“He asks to eat M&M’s and ice pops every day.  I say no.  So he starves himself to spite us.”)

Doc:  “Our charts also show that Gavin has shrunk 2 inches since we saw him a week ago.”  (“What the hell are you doing to your son?  He’s reversed growth!  Another sign of neglect to add to my records.  People like you shouldn’t be having kids.)

Me:  “I think the assistant may have written it down wrong.  He’s not 3 feet tall.  He’s only 34 inches.”   (“Your nurses are roughly estimating an important developmental data point in my son’s life.  Don’t you understand? Every quarter inch counts at this age!”)

Doc:  “Since Gavin is quickly falling off the chart due to his lack of physical growth, do you want to consider our nutrition counseling?”  (“You obviously can’t feed your son properly.  We’d like to get child services involved and send your son to an orphanage where the state will do a better job of raising him.”)

Me:  “We’re going to try some new foods with him and see if it helps.”  (“I think we’re going to hide out in Mexico until this all blows over.  Maybe we’ll live off the grid and pay for things in cash to keep child services from pinpointing our whereabouts.”)

We may have to take the easy way out and disappear from the authorities until Worm fattens up.  On the bright side, at least I’ll get to use the fake mustaches we have leftover from Halloween…

We're Going to Live In The Woods?  That Sounds Like Fun!

We’re Going to Live In The Woods? That Sounds Like Fun!