I’ve still got my eyes, and my wit hasn’t dimmed. Yet. So, I’m not sure what type of shenanigans Worm was trying to pull on me, but it didn’t work this time. (And I assure you, Worm, that it won’t work until I’ve lost all my marbles. I’m as sharp as a Ginsu knife.)
In our never-ending battle of man versus food, I was ‘convincing’ the boy to eat his lunch by way of the pause button on the remote control. (If you’ve just tuned in, catch up here.)
“Worm, eat.”
“Watch show!”
I press pause and he rips off a bit of apple and gulps it down to get the TV moving again. Curious George reanimates.
A minute goes by.
“Worm. Eat!”
“No.”
I press pause again. Worm springs to life and takes a sliver of apple and looks at me as if unsure of what to do with it. I nod. He takes a bite. I unpause the TV. (I do this about 100 times a day. No joke. I’ve had to modify Worm’s meal schedule because of this huge time suck. And since I don’t want to get repetitive stress syndrome in my thumb, I now only feed Worm once a day.)
Another minute passes.
“WORM! EAT!”
He looks at me and puts the last piece of apple in his mouth. I unpause the show and he resumes watching the tube (that’s what we called it back when it really was a tube), chews a few times and then stealthily slips the apple out of his mouth and back onto his tray. He then puts his palm over it like he’s performing a magic trick. Voila! The disappearing apple trick. (Or the “I eat, but I don’t gain any weight” anorexia trick.)
Of course I see what’s going on. How can I not see? I’ve had 2 years to grow eyes in the back of my head and learn Worm’s every subtle hand gesture. I’ve studied him like a chef studies fresh produce at the market…(I don’t know, it sounded good in my head.)
“Worm, did you eat that apple?”
“Mmm hmm!” and he gives me the classic bubble cheeked fake chewing face. (The look was as fake as a Guccci handbag.)
Normally, I would give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Worm didn’t understand what I was saying. He is only 2. But what showed me that Worm knew exactly what I said and was really trying to pull the wooly mammoth over my eyes was that when I glanced over at the hand concealing the apple, the mini-Houdini couldn’t help but giggle and squirm.
It was Worm’s first lie. He was testing me. And after all of that, I had three options to remedy the situation:
- Rap Worm’s knuckles ten times with the edge of a ruler to show him that lying to anyone other than the government, is inappropriate.
- Tell him about all of the starving children in the world that DON’T have an apple to eat, and get Worm to cry uncontrollably about the crimes of humanity and why humans cannot support one another as easily as they destroy one another.
- Lift up his hand. Show him the apple. Then explain to him that real magicians, like David Copperfield (the second famous one, not the first) can make apples disappear by swallowing them. But, only after he has chewed the apple a recommended 25 times first.
The readers voted for #1, but since the votes were tallied in Florida, #3 was the winner. Worm, it’s your lucky day punk!
What apple?
Gavin – 25; Honeydaddy – 14 (Watch me make your college tuition disappear, Worm!)
Me vs. Gavin 