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Weight a Minute, You’re Still the Same Size?

March 26, 2013 //
2

Oh boy, here we go again…

The wife decided to kill two birds with one stone and schedule both our children’s doctor visits for the same day.  A 2-year checkup for the Worm.  (I can’t believe he’s made it 2 years.  I pat myself on the back.)  A 2-month checkup for the Smush.

Steph and I bring both kids to the doctor’s office.  As I sit in the waiting room, I look over at one child and think to myself “Wow, This girl has got a jovial attitude, plus a great appetite to boot.  She’s growing.  She looks healthy.  The doctor is going to love her.”

I look over at my other child who is dripping snot all over the floor and trying to cough up his left lung for us to see.  I think to myself “Oh my god.  He’s sick and miserable.  I can see all of his ribs.  The doctor’s going to think we’ve stopped feeding him.  We (I use the term ‘we’ loosely.  I really mean Steph) are going to jail for neglect.”

It’s obvious where all of our efforts have been focused.  (Can you guess who our new favorite child is?)

Smushie checks out great.  According to the NIH, here’s where we are with her development:

  • Physical and motor-skill markers:
    • Closing of soft spot at the back of the head (posterior fontanelle)   (SO SHE’S GOING TO BE HARD HEADED, HUH?)
    • Several newborn reflexes, such as the stepping reflex and grasp reflex disappear  (WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL TO MAKE A HUMAN MARIONETTE OUT OF HER.  TOO LATE NOW.)
    • Less head lag (CAN’T PUT HER ON THE DASHBOARD NEXT TO OUR BOBBLE HEAD CHIHUAHUA ANYMORE)
    • When on stomach, able to lift head almost 45 degrees  (IF I WAIT LONG ENOUGH, SHE’LL EVEN SHOOT MILK FROM HER MOUTH)
    • Less flexing of the arms and legs while lying on the stomach  (BUT SHE’S STARTED DOING A BIT MORE FLEXING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR)

    Sensory and cognitive markers:

    • Beginning to look at close objects  (EVEN GOES CROSS-EYED FOR THE REALLY CLOSE STUFF)
    • Coos  (EVERY WAKING MINUTE)
    • Different cries means different things  (SHE CRIES FOR RED WINE AND CHOCOLATE TOO)
    • Head turns from side to side with sound at the level of the ear  (DOG CLICKER TRAINING WORKS ON KIDS TOO!)
    • Smiles  (ALL THE TIME!  BEAUTIFUL!)
    • Responds to familiar voices  (RESPONDS TO CURIOUS GEORGE’S VOICE THE MOST.  THANKS WORM.)

The Smush is on track and passes her tests with flying colors.  Worm, on the other hand, brings about a host of questions from the doctor.  Since most of communication is unspoken, I will translate the literal dialogue into the real interpretation conveyed.

Doc:  “He hasn’t gained any weight in the past 6 months.”   (“You are feeding him, right?”  Let me just make note of the signs of neglect in my records.)

Me:  “He just doesn’t have an appetite for food.  He can go days without eating.”  (“He asks to eat M&M’s and ice pops every day.  I say no.  So he starves himself to spite us.”)

Doc:  “Our charts also show that Gavin has shrunk 2 inches since we saw him a week ago.”  (“What the hell are you doing to your son?  He’s reversed growth!  Another sign of neglect to add to my records.  People like you shouldn’t be having kids.)

Me:  “I think the assistant may have written it down wrong.  He’s not 3 feet tall.  He’s only 34 inches.”   (“Your nurses are roughly estimating an important developmental data point in my son’s life.  Don’t you understand? Every quarter inch counts at this age!”)

Doc:  “Since Gavin is quickly falling off the chart due to his lack of physical growth, do you want to consider our nutrition counseling?”  (“You obviously can’t feed your son properly.  We’d like to get child services involved and send your son to an orphanage where the state will do a better job of raising him.”)

Me:  “We’re going to try some new foods with him and see if it helps.”  (“I think we’re going to hide out in Mexico until this all blows over.  Maybe we’ll live off the grid and pay for things in cash to keep child services from pinpointing our whereabouts.”)

We may have to take the easy way out and disappear from the authorities until Worm fattens up.  On the bright side, at least I’ll get to use the fake mustaches we have leftover from Halloween…

We're Going to Live In The Woods? That Sounds Like Fun!

We’re Going to Live In The Woods? That Sounds Like Fun!

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Categories Food

Smush Cakes

November 20, 2012 //
0

Now that I’m a SAHD, I’ve got to strap on an apron and get into the kitchen, otherwise the Worm is going to starve (or we’ll have to get take-out)!  This part of the house is mostly my wife’s arena as I barely know where anything is.  I can find my blender and toaster oven, but most of the appliances we have in the kitchen look like medieval torture devices.  But, I’m back in front of the stove and this time I’m taking no prisoners!  (I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but it spilled from my fingers and I’m leaving it here.)

I came across a contest online called the ReadySetEat Dad’s Cook-Off.  Now I don’t usually participate in contests where I’m not the pre-determined winner, but this one looked interesting.  Prepare something with 7 ingredients or less.  Prep it and make it in under 30 minutes.  And do all of that without chopping off a finger.  Hmm, very interesting.  Having made soup using only one ingredient, I knew I was up to the task of the Cook-Off.  (To enter the contest, you must be a dad blogger, or play one on TV.)

Below is my recipe entry.  It’s named in honor of my -10 week old daughter (yes, that’s a negative sign.  She hasn’t been born yet.) Smush.  It’s a cupcake analogous to my baby girl.  Hold the cupcake as gently as you would a baby, otherwise you’re going to squeeze all the gooey brown stuff out!  Now that I’ve worked up your appetite, here’s my original Smush Cakes recipe:

Ingredients:

  • Frosting:
  • 8 oz. Cool Whip (thawed in fridge for 4 hours prior to use)
  • 8 oz. Peter Pan Honey Roast Creamy Peanut Butter  (At room temperature, please.  Only nuts refrigerate PB…)
  • 1 box Duncan Hines Devil’s Food Cake Mix
  • 1 12oz. can of Sprite soda  (At room temperature please.  You may have to go overseas to find an unchilled soft drink dispenser.)
  • 1 4-pack Snack Pack Chocolate Flavor Pudding
  • Optional:
  • 24 Cupcake baking cups

 

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Get a large bowl.  Mix cake mix and can of soda together until no longer lumpy.  Now you’ve got cake batter.  I know.  It’s crazy.  It’s the miracle of food science.  Fill cupcake compartments 2/3 full of batter.  If you’re trying to impress the moms on the playground, use the baking cups.  They’ll think you’re Martha Stewart with a mustache.  For the empty cupcake compartments, fill each halfway up with water.  (Using holy water will exorcise the Devil out of the cupcakes and may lead to reduced flavor.)

Bake cupcakes for 18-20 minutes.  Pull from oven and let cool slightly.

To make the frosting, add Cool Whip and peanut butter to a large bowl.  Whip the mischief out of Peter Pan…or until your arm gets tired.  You’re done when the mixture is consistent.  Hopefully this didn’t take you 18 minutes to do.  Put frosting in the fridge until cupcakes are out of the oven and cooled a bit.

Peanut butter frosting. Mmm!

Using a melon baller or a tsp measuring spoon, scoop out the middle of each cupcake and feed it to the annoying dog across the street, or stuff it into someone’s tailpipe.  You don’t need this part anymore.

Remove the center of the smush cake.

Now fill each cupcake middle with a teaspoon of chocolate pudding.

Fill the smush cake hole with pudding!

Get the frosting out of the fridge and top each cupcake.  Voila.  Smush cakes!

The original smushcake.

 

Related Links:

ReadySetEat: The Great Dad Cook-Off: Dad Bloggers Tackling Dinner

 

 

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MVG’s Strawberry Lemonade Recipe

November 7, 2012 //
5

We’ve got one lemon tree in the back yard of our house.  It only seems to produce lemons in the winter months of the year.  It’s an underachiever, but we still love and water it.  (It reminds me a tad of myself…prickly and sour.  I digress.)

For me, having fresh lemons in the cold season (yes, both definitions of cold) is better than a flu shot.  (Disclaimer:  If you’re nuts enough to think that eating a lemon can replace a flu shot, you may be nuts enough to believe that eating natural and organic food can keep you healthy.)  Lemons not only have vitamin C, they also contain citric acid, calcium, magnesium, bioflavonoids, and limonene, a GERD and heartburn reliever.

Now here’s a refreshing scurvy-fighting strawberry lemonade recipe for those transcontinental ocean voyages!

Ingredients:

  • 4 lemons, medium to large size (squeezed to make 1 cup of lemon juice)
  • 1 lemon, sliced
  • 7 strawberries, sliced
  • 2 quarts water plus 2/3 cup water
  • 1/3 cup white sugar
  • 1/3 cup brown sugar

Here Daddy! You Take a Bite!

Preparation:

Place 2/3 cup water and sugar into medium saucepan and heat to boiling.  Cut off the heat.  Stir occasionally until sugar is melted.  You’ve got sugar syrup now.  Let cool to room temperature.

If you hadn’t read the ingredients list, then at this point, you will squeeze 4 lemons to make 1 cup of lemon juice.  If you need 5 lemons to make 1 cup of lemon juice, don’t fret.  The world will be ok with your inability to choose perfect sized lemons.

Slice up the single lemon you’ve got left.  (This is to signal to the dazed, late-night foragers of your fridge that the yellow jug is lemonade, not pee.

Slice up the strawberries.

Find a 3 quart jug and toss the 2 quarts of water into it.  Then add the sliced fruit and your freshly squeezed lemon juice.

Since it probably took you 30 minutes to prepare everything, your sugar syrup mixture has probably cooled down.  Add it to the jug.

Put some ice (and two shots of vodka, if it’s still morning)  into a glass.  Fill glass with MVG’s strawberry lemonade and grab a seat on the front porch before the whole world passes by without you.

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TV Zombie Eating

July 20, 2012 //
1

The Worm’s got a bad habit.  He is a TV zombie eater.  (Thanks to me, it didn’t take long for the bad habits to start.  First, this.  Next month, it will be cigarettes and tequila for dessert.)  I have a huge pet peeve about mindless eating and this is quite an irritating conundrum…for me.  Worm doesn’t seem to mind.

When Worm’s sitting in front of me with a plate full of food, he picks at it.  I could sing and dance for him, but it hardly boosts his appetite.  Soon, boredom sets in and he’s chucking his sandwich bites at the dogs or letting them lick the jelly from his sticky fingers.  It’s not that Worm isn’t hungry, because he is.  Though to him, eating is pointless work with no real benefit.  (I tried to explain the notion of calories and how food gives toddlers energy, but Worm is certain he is powered by the sun.  Why else would he get tired at night?)

When I flip on the boob tube, cue up Curious George, and place the Worm anywhere near the TV screen, he locks in like a missile on target.  His eyes glaze over, blinking ceases, and his motion slows.  Worm’s alter ego, the TV zombie, has been channeled.  I pass a spoonful of cereal under his nose and the secret trap door drops open to accept the offering.  Access has been granted.

For the next 20 minutes, I don’t get flailing arms, pursed lips or the bobble head.  The beast is hypnotized and I am free to shovel hundreds of calories into its belly.  And Worm has no idea anything is amiss other than Curious George finding himself in trouble, yet again.

The Dual Eating Personalities of the Worm (TV Zombie Personality Shown Above)  Notice the Eyes…

I’m relieved that once the TV is shut off, the zombie disappears and everything is back to normal.  (One day this on-off switch may get faulty…but then there are medications that will fix everything!  I digress…)

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.  I’m perpetuating the problem by feeding Worm in front of the TV, but I can’t feed him very well any other way.  Feedings are less than 30 minutes long when the TV zombie is eating.  Otherwise, I chase normal Worm around the house for 90 minutes coaxing him with anything possibly palate pleasing. (Say that three times fast!)  It’s exhausting.  (Chasing Worm around, not the tongue twister…)  I can only imagine at our therapy discussions how Worm will blame me for his poor eating habits and explain to the doctor how he sleeps in front of the TV with his pet monkey on a pile of Cheetos, Twinkies, and Bon Bons.  And as karma has a way of punishing us for our past misdeeds, his monkey will eventually eat my face and the cycle will be complete.  I am a horrible father and I will pay for it.

For this post, I can’t give either one of us a point.  We’re at a stalemate.  He needs to eat.  I need to use whatever works right now to facilitate that.  I can foresee that I will have to be smarter and more crafty to keep up with the evolving Worm.  It’s time to turn up my game a notch.

Gavin – 14; Dad – 7  (No Change)

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That’s Probably Not the Best Way to Hydrate…

June 12, 2012 //
1

If Steph brought me warm milk after I woke up from a nap, I’d slap myself twice to make sure I wasn’t in heaven.  (Actually, if she also brought some Oreo cookies and a toast and jam, I’d be certain I was beyond the pearly gates.)  So, why doesn’t Worm like his warm milk anymore?

That little baby is getting the King’s treatment from me.  I bathe him when he starts to stick to the carpet, brush his teeth when his breath stinks, and change his diapers whenever they leak through.  I even prepare a meal or two every single day for him.  Yes! That means weekends, too!  (With all this extra care, I’m probably going to be up for a dad-of-the-year award.)  So, when he doesn’t appreciate the gratuitous milk-in-bed offering, it gets my goat.

Either way, the decreased daily intake of liquid in milk form must be compensated for or Worm will shrivel up.  I brainstormed for the best way to add more fluids to Worm’s diet and came up with an ideal solution.  Clearly, the best way to keep him hydrated would be IV drip.  Hospitals use it all the time.  Also, there’s no need for Worm to take time out from his busy play schedule in order to ingest fluids.  (Can you say baby-multitasking?)  He could have a hands-free hydrational experience 24 hours a day.  As an added touch, wheels or a face could be added to the IV bag and it becomes a toy.  (My mind never ceases to amaze me.)

Since no one wanted to support this exceptional idea for me financially (namely my wife), I’ve decided to go with the lame already-been-overdone sippy cup option.  Multiple sippy cups filled with chocolate soy milk, juice, and water are strategically placed within arm’s reach of the Worm.  He’s got access to a beverage bonanza.  But he chooses not to indulge.  He’s acquired a taste for something else.

Instead, Worm partakes of his bath water.  Yep.  Bath water.  Not clean bath water, mind you.  But soapy, sudsy, probably been peed in, bath water.  He drank about 5 turtle cups of the cloudy stuff before he was satiated.

Maybe he thought it was pea soup, not pee soup.  I don’t know.  (Poor guy, I hate to tell him there’s a huge difference between pea and pee…)

Warning, Drinking Bath Water Makes You Shorter and More Troll-Like

He makes that face with every gulp…and yet he keeps drinking as if bath water will taste better the next time.  (Isn’t that kind of like adults and beer?  But, as we drink more beer it begins to taste like water.  I’m not quite convinced the reciprocal effect is had when you start with water.)

At the very least, I should add some electrolytes to the bubbly baby soak.  Oh wait, Worm already did.  Eeew!

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And In This Corner, Weighing In At…

May 22, 2012 //
0

20 lbs, 11 oz, the Tycoon of Teething, the Sultan of Spit-up, the King of Crawling, the Squirmin’ Vermin…it’s Gavin “The Worm”!

We had the 6 week weigh-in at the pediatrician‘s office today.  In 6 weeks, the Worm gained approximately 8 oz. which amounts to 2.5% of his body weight.  The verdict?  He’s still skinny.

Now, I’m no genius.  But if I remember correctly, something called a gene can get transferred from parent to child.  Genes can make a child look and act similarly to their biological parents.  I know it’s a stretch here, but I was a skinny baby and kid growing up.  So was my brother.  We were two crackers away from meeting Sally Struthers…”For just 25 cents a day, you are able to feed these starving young Indian boys and their 850 cousins…”  Some people are just more skinny streamlined than others.

I’m going to step out on a limb and say that my kid has a body like his old man.  I told the pediatrician this before, at Worm’s one year checkup.  But, I’m sure the words went in one ear and out the other.  I also told her that Worm is constantly on the move.  He doesn’t sit on the couch watching TV and eating chips.  I have to chase him all over the house just to feed him.  Worm is crawling, climbing, and blinking a lot during his waking hours.  Calories are being burned non-stop.

And to prove that we were feeding him more than kale chips and Altoids all day, we counted calories.  The Worm consumes anywhere from 800-1300 calories a day.  That’s normal to high for a 1-year-old kid.  (If I were to linearly extrapolate that amount to myself, I would be consuming 6400 – 10400 calories a day.  That’s a lot of cheeseburgers, although I have been known to eat 8 MickeyD doubles in one day!)

I don’t see being aerodynamic as a bad thing.  Sure he may never be big enough to play pro football, but he will always own the skill to squeeze himself through county jail bars should the need arise.  If he shares my metabolism, Worm should be able to throw down some serious grub and always look like a starving supermodel.  And 35 years from now when all his buddies hit their middle-aged spread, he’ll still be sporting a 6-pack.  Just like his old man.

You’ll thank me later for this one, Worm.

Gavin – 11; Dad – 7;

The Girlies On The Playground Say I Look Good With My Shirt Off!

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Nutella, You’ve Saved My Child’s Life!

May 10, 2012 //
5

…and may just keep Worm’s parents out of jail!

I’m sorry Nutella.  You’ve been wronged.  You’ve had to pay out millions of dollars to some ignorant person that couldn’t find the time to read the label.

–

This is a classic example of how stupidity gets rewarded in America.  There’s no need to be educated in this country.  It will never pay so much, $3 Million, for so little effort.  (Besides, an education takes time and costs money and all you’re left with these days is a huge student loan debt and no job.  I digress.)

Um, hello?  Woman who sued my new favorite food company?  Athena Hohenberg?  I’m sure you’re NOT reading this post because you either:

  • A) can’t read
  • B) don’t see any real benefit to reading
  • C) now have enough money to pay someone to read (and think) for you

I have Nutella in my house.  Have I ever thought it was a healthy snack?  No.  Why?  Because it tastes so damn good!  It’s spreadable chocolate, for Tebow’s sake!

There’s 100 calories per tablespoon in it!  Half of those calories are fat!  The first ingredient is sugar!  Is any of this not obvious?

Just because the label says ‘No Artificial Colors’ and ‘No Artificial Preservatives‘ doesn’t make it healthy!  Just because you see it on TV, doesn’t mean that you should believe it.  (But if you see it on the internet, it’s probably true.)

Gimme That Nutella, Dad! Toss it Here!

Now, back to you Nutella.  Thank you for putting such a magnificent specimen in a jar for me to spread on some lightly toasted Hawaiian style bread with a side of fresh banana slices.  You are now my shining light and savior!  It wasn’t until that foolish lawsuit popped up against you that I smacked my 5 brain cells together and manifested a wonderful idea.

Here’s how you solved a serious weight problem for our family.  I’ve got a skinny kid at home that “needs” calories, or else the pediatrician is going to call Child Protective Services on us.  Worm is slipping down the infant weight charts faster than you lost that $3 Million.  So, I’ve decided to supplement his diet with some high calorie foods.  I’m trying not to load him up on dairy (like the pediatrician suggested) and I’m looking for some alternatives.  Since Nutella is so dense in calories and chock full of taste, it’s a perfect food for my son!  No artificial colors or preservatives and high in calories!  Awesome!

I promise that if I can get Worm back into the 50th percentile for weight before his weight check next week, we will name our next child Nutella Licious J.  (Come on, that’s an awesome stage name!  Disclaimer:  To be christened though, I have to clear it with the wife first.)

I wonder if I can sue a butter company because it made me fat…you betcha’!  In America, anything’s possible!

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