Smush, It’s 3am. Why Are We Both Awake?

February 8, 2013 //
3

If there’s anything in life that tells you that you’re an utter failure at parenting, it should be the time around 3am, when you and your infant are both crying because neither one of you has slept in days.  I, my friends, am doing everything wrong.

“I’ve done this before.  It’s not new to me.” I told myself.  So why doesn’t Smush want to sleep?  She’s been out of the proverbial water (maybe not really proverbial) for 3 weeks now and I can’t figure out why she’s not sleeping at all.  Let me rephrase that.  She sleeps during the day.  But, as soon as the moon rises and the lights are out, it’s a relentless grunt-a-thon.

Between the hours of midnight and 7 am, Smush turns into a sleep monster, eating up the slumber of her once loving parents.  Her viciously effective torture method is to squeak and snort often enough to scoop us out of our delicious dreams.  Once we flip on the bedroom light to discern the matter, she’s quiet as a mouse (and maniacally laughing inside).  Six minutes later, the cycle repeats itself…like every six minutes.

To limit Smush’s damage to just one parent at a time, Steph and I take turns sleeping with the enemy baby.  Meaning, the living room couch has recently become the best place to snooze and be snoozed.  As much as we’d both like to sleep on the couch, one of us has to comically karmically suffer for our life’s misdeeds (like the time when I was 10 and I put a frog on a railroad track during the summer time and watched it sizzle in the hot sun and then get run over by a freight train.  I’m sorry for doing that.  I really mean it this time!).  In the past couple of days, I’ve pulled the short straw.  That means grabbing an extra pillow and hunkering down in the trenches until sunrise.

I’ll be the first to tell you that Smush is not a sweet pea at 3am.  (She’s more like the pea under my mattress.)  During the witching hours, she dons horns and carries a pitchfork (or a spork.  I can’t tell.  My eyesight’s a bit blurry SINCE I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN DAYS!).  In the dark, I feel her cold, calculating stare.  If I fake like I’m sleeping, she knows.  She waits patiently until I really nod off and fills the air with “Ughhhhhh!”.  I bolt upright and curse in her general direction.  This series of events is looped until morning.

On the worst night, I was sans wits.  Wanting to do something to help Steph’s daughter (I’ve disowned her already), I thought that I could try a few things to help her (and I) get some much-needed rest.  They were a string of bad ideas.

Here’s a list of things that I did that are sure to help me win the “Parenting Failure of the Year” award.  I’ve set the bar, ladies and gentlemen.  So, if you’re wondering how NOT to get your newborn to sleep, read on.

  1. Massage the baby – Um, nope.  This is supposed to relax a person!  Since babies are not people, don’t try to do this at night.  You’ll only serve to wear out your hands and invigorate your child.  Trust me, I know.
  2. Stretch and exercise the baby – No again.  I thought that I could tire her out physically by making her do pushups and working her bicycle kicks.  About an hour in, I was both proud of my girl’s stamina and pissed by my girl’s stamina.  Still wide awake…
  3. Practice martial arts techniques while holding baby – With baby fully exercised, I strapped Smush to myself in hopes that my movement would fatigue her and myself.  I know, brilliant right?  Wrong.  I was worked up and so was she.  Wee hours of the morning….
  4. Burp the baby – Well, it works well for about 5 minutes after she eats, but something (a little voice in my head) told me that maybe my girl just needed to be burped again.  30 minutes of burping techniques and I could only manage to burp myself.  I’m 99% sure now that any air that makes its way past the stomach is only going to come out the other end.  Ah, the cock’s are crowing…
  5. Rum – For me, not for her.  A glass or two helped ease my pain, but not my hearing.  Nope.  Besides, who drinks at 7am?  The sun’s up and so is the rest of the house.  Yay…

I was just overstimulating the Smushie.  She would get more stressed and so would I.  The smoke from between her ears should have tipped me off, but I thought it was another devilish trick.

Yes, I’m irritated.  Yes, I’m frustrated.  Yes, I’m tired.  I’m thinking about returning her to the hospital and getting a new one.  This one may be broken.  It squeaks too much.

Don't Tell Me That's Your Eating Utensil, Smushie!!

Don’t Tell Me That’s Your Eating Utensil, Smushie!!

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Categories MVG Oddities

Little Tikes Roll ‘n Pop Vac

February 4, 2013 //
3
Um, I Think You'll Need More Than a Vacuum To Remove Those Spots Worm...

Um, I Think You’ll Need More Than a Vacuum To Remove Those Spots Worm…

Early on, Worm began mimicking us doing house chores.  The light bulb in our heads went off.  What if Worm was on a program to brainwash encourage him to enjoy cleaning?  How much time, money and weekend spare time would we recoup if we could train our son to clean our house!  The first step to getting Worm involved was obvious.  Give him kid’s sized tools that look and feel like their adult sized versions.

Voila!  In one conversation with the grandparents and a wave of their magic credit card, a Little Tikes Roll ‘n Pop Vac showed up at our door.  Worm was excited.  We were more excited.

With any child’s toy, a parent doesn’t want little Johnny or Susie playing with something that can maim or damage their prying little fingers and toes.  Hence, this vacuum doesn’t have any external moving parts other than the two wheels on the underside of the base.  It’s really safe for their big ideas on using their small digits.  Besides that, it patented cleaning action performs far better than the most expensive Kirby vacuum out there.  (I hope you know I’m kidding.  It doesn’t pick up anything except fairy dust and elf farts.)  Like the name suggests, the vacuum does roll and pop a bunch of little colored balls and glitter around when pushed.  It makes noise, too, which all kids love!

Even though it’s mostly plastic, this thing is built tough.  That’s one thing I really like about the product.  My son is pretty careful with toys, so he will probably never test the limits of the Roll ‘n Pop’s durability.  The colors are pretty gender neutral.  Plus, there is a neat little hand vac for kids that have a serious cleaning streak in them and can’t stand not to leave any nook or cranny unclean.

The Worm is about 34 inches tall and you can see how he compares to the size of the vacuum.  (He is a little over the 1.5 years old minimum age recommendations listed by Little Tikes.)

The real question is “Does he use it?”.  Not really.  When I put it in the middle of the living room, he’ll push it for a minute or so.  He never looks at ease maneuvering it around and in most cases, he will drag it away backwards to make space for his other toys.  Sometimes he flips the switch and expects it to turn on (like my vacuum), but nothing happens.  That’s when he gives me the look of “Dude, WTF?  It’s broken.” and puts it away.

Overall, the vacuum is a decent buy.  The price is right for the Roll ‘n Pop Vac.  I wouldn’t pay more for it.  If the handle tilted down and there were two more wheels on it, I think my boy would play with it more and get the joy out of vacuuming the house that his father does.  Though with any toy, it’s hard to guess what one child likes and another child dislikes.  I know mine is a clever little man at 21 months of age and he knows it’s not quite like my Dyson.  So in our case, we may need to take a shot at something a little more functional…or give up on our ‘free housecleaning forever’ dream.

—–

6_worm_ratingOverall Rating:  6 Worms

Ease of Use: 3 Worms  (It’s a bit awkward to push around.)

Performance:  7 Worms  (The balls roll and pop around inside the vacuum when pushed…so I guess it performs as described.)

Features:  5 Worms  (It basically just rolls and pops.)

Durability:  10 Worms  (It’s solid.)

Manliness:  7 Worms  (Times have changed ladies.  Vacuuming is definitely manly.)

Retail Price:  $26.99

———-

Pros:

Sturdy.  Cute little hand vacuum detachment.

Cons:

Switch doesn’t do anything.  No front wheels on the vacuum makes it hard for kids to push around.

Things I would modify:

Make the switch buzz, blink, glow, whistle, anything.  Add more wheels so it actually rolls over the carpet…For the handheld, make it easier to roll over the carpets and couch.

Where to find:

Little Tikes Website

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Categories Product Reviews

Songs From the Shower – Smush, You’re Mine!

February 3, 2013 //
0
I'll Take The Top Spot From Worm And Be Daddy's Favorite! I Just Need To Sleep On It Some More...

Sleep Little One…There’s Plenty of Room In My Heart For You Too!

Smush, you’re here!  There’s no question, you’re mine!  (9)

Such hairy little ears and a beet red behind!  (11)

Like daddy, you’re dark!  Great for the sun!

We can play on the beach until the day’s done.

Worm and his mom can’t stay long past dawn.

They’ll turn into lobsters and have to be gone!

Together we’ll frolic, with arms locked,

Our sharp elbows jabbing, and bony knees knocked.

My gangly limbs were meant for my lad,

I’ve cursed you with finger toes, please don’t be mad!

You’re a gift to us.  We are so blessed.

Study hard in school and don’t go out half-dressed.

Worm’s in the top spot, remember that.

But listen to daddy and you’ll be there STAT!

Like clean up your room and stay on track

Give me hugs and kisses and never talk back

Or miss curfew or fall into the wrong crowd at school or

Date until you’re 35…and even then, I have to look him over to make sure he’s good enough for you.

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Categories Random Thoughts

Worm, Meet the New Baby

January 31, 2013 //
0

As soon as Smushie was born, Worm was jettisoned from the family sweet spot.  No longer the baby, he was metaphorically transplanted from his warm, cozy nest to the storage shed out back.  In addition, Worm can’t hog all of our parental love for himself anymore.  We’re now supporting a needy infant who requires a lot of our TLC (Honey Boo Boo, Toddlers & Tiaras, and Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress) to grow.  Therefore, we made the executive decision to proportion the lion’s share of our love to little Smush with the occasional scrap tossed in Worm’s general direction.  It will be enough to minimally sustain him and nowhere near the amount he received prior to his sister’s arrival.  (I’m not worried, though.  Worm will grow to be emotionally scarred, but win out in the long run.  Like an abused puppy, he will be irresistible to womankind and become a lifelong project for them to invest time and effort into.)

The big day was here.  I thought the proper ‘Dad’ thing to do would be to give Worm at least a couple hours notice of Smush’s impending arrival later that evening.  It seemed the perfect opportunity for me to practice this first of many ‘father-to-son’ talks by warming up the Worm to the idea of a sister.  I explained it to him in simple phrases like “more ice pops and cheese balls for dinner”, “nap times may disappear altogether”, and “all of your waking hours could be spent in front of the TV”.  He took it quite well.  (Ok, I could have been more direct with him, but why upset the poor guy?  He hadn’t a clue as to what was about to fall in his lap and I didn’t want to be the bad guy to tell him.)

Not knowing what else to do, I thought it easiest best to let Worm mull over our conversation in his mind while I went back to the hospital to grab the wife and baby.  The plan was for us to check out of the hospital, come home, walk Smush nonchalantly through the front door, gauge the crowd reaction, and then act surprised like we didn’t know how she got in the Subaru do our best to stay calm.

What will Worm do?  Will he be excited?  Will he gouge out Smush’s eyes?  Will he fling poop in her face?  Or will he break out in the Macarena dance?  What about the dogs?  What are they going to think?

We arrived at home around 6pm and collectively pushed baby and car seat through the front door.  The fervor and excitement in the house shot through the ceiling…and took everyone’s brains with it.  With no gray matter to control their bodies, dogs were howling (i.e. Frodo), dogs were vomiting (i.e. Duncan), and kids were flailing (i.e. Worm). Frodo’s howling was loud enough to hear three doors down and Duncan’s distress shoveled his semi-digested dinner onto the carpet.  Worm frolicked around the living room, babbling hodge podge nonsensities at the top of his lungs.  Even hours later, the air was still thick with anxiety and nervous giddiness.  A little too much adrenalin was squeezed out that night, and the troops paid for it in sleep.

The next day came at a fraction of the previous night’s intensity.  With the jitters out, Worm and the dogs got to examine the newest member of the family under the warm rays of the early morning sun.  Within minutes, Worm stamped his sibling seal of approval right on the end of his little sister’s foot.

Worm Gives His Little Sister a Kiss!

Worm Kisses His Baby Sister!  How Sweet!

Gavin – 21; Dad – 11 (You get two points for this one, Worm.  Your heart is so incredibly full of sweetness.)

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Categories MVG Oddities

Gaptooth Gavin and the Fat Frenulum

January 24, 2013 //
5
Am I The Only One That Thinks Worm Looks Like a Gap Tooth Bill Murray Here?

Am I The Only One That Thinks Worm Looks Like a Gap Tooth Bill Murray Here?

One of the topics in the imaginary book “100 Things No One Tells New Parents” is that of the gap toothed baby.  I don’t yet own a copy, so when my little Worm started filling his mouth with his first set of pearly whites, I wasn’t prepared.   A huge space formed between tooth E and tooth F.  (That’s medical speak for the top two front teeth!)  I asked myself for the 15th time “Is Worm actually my son?” I don’t have a gap and neither does Steph.  So why would the Worm have such a prominent one?  The only sensible answer is that we accidentally picked up Michael Strahan and Lauren Hutton‘s love child from the hospital (and in exchange, our real child is having the champagne wishes and caviar dreams the rest of us only see on TV).

Upon closer inspection, Steph and I found that our boy’s maxillary frenulum (or frenum) is quite low on the gums.  Worm’s upper labial tie (not to be confused with a neck tie, or cravat) attaches very near the bottom of his gums at the edge of the hard palate.  This gives me good reason to assume that Worm’s teeth are gapped due to the thick (about 3mm) frenulum that sits between his front choppers.  Other possible gap teeth causes for Worm (besides the theory that he isn’t mine) are:  his teeth are small, his jaw is big, he may have extra teeth in the gums that prevent correct positioning, etc.

Bad Frenulum! Bad, bad!

Bad Frenulum! Bad, bad!

To be on the safe side, we made a special visit to our pediatrician.  The kid doctor had a look and told us not to worry about the teeth or frenulum just yet.  And to have it evaluated at the dentist when he turns two (Worm, not the dentist).  She also said that since the teeth and gums change as more teeth emerge, it may be less of a problem, or go away completely as his adult teeth come in.

Having never before seen a living frenum like Worm’s, I decided to get a second opinion from our other doctor, the internet.  I researched a few articles reassuring me that my son was not a mutant lifeform and that other children also suffer from different levels of lip-tie.  Worm’s frenum looks to be between a class III and IV, which are the most tightly attached.  I don’t know if it was because he was our first child, or because we didn’t pay close enough attention to him, but we missed catching it early and it’s most likely Obama’s fault in some way.  I felt slightly better when I read that plenty of “tight frenulum” issues go undetected because many babies adapt well enough to overcome some of the associated problems.  Worm’s workarounds worked right around us.  Scouring the internet, I found many parents’ stories that share a lot of our fears and concerns about the frenulum fracas.  Because sharing is caring, here is a summary of our story, small enough to fit in a pocket of your mind:

When Worm was an infant, he was fussy.  Early on, I spent many hours sleepwalking through the house trying to bounce and squeeze the extra air out of him.  We thought he was a little colicky but normal, as we also didn’t have any prior parenting experience to compare him to.  He was our first child.  After being introduced to solid foods, Worm quickly lost his desire to breastfeed.  That never bothered us, because it gave us an excuse to use our brand new baby food processor earlier than anticipated.  We figured that his personality was the driving factor in his desire to switch to solid foods, so no red flags arose.  During the first year of his life, we didn’t really look inside his mouth for longer than the amount of time it took him to yawn.  An occasional peek showed us a tongue, pink gums, and a couple of cobwebs in the back corner…nothing out of the ordinary.  Then he got old enough to belt out a hearty laugh (from one of my horrible jokes) and his upper lip only curled slightly. Voila!  We noticed a thick flap of skin holding onto Worm’s upper lip and gums and the wife and I started pointing fingers.  “That’s not from my side of the family!” we each exclaimed.

(We’re still trying to locate the family member that passed this gene down so we can bill them for the dental procedures.)

So to make other new parents aware of this ‘more common than you think’ issue, I’ve provided a list of upper labial frenulum complications below.  I tried to gather a concise list of signs and symptoms I’ve found that make sense of the upper lip frenulum fuss:

  • Baby may have problems latching, make clicking sounds during feeding, or take in excess air during feeding
  • Breastfeeding may be painful for the mother (and cause cracking and bleeding of the nipple)
  • Baby may fail to gain weight during first year of life
  • Bottle feeding may also pose a problem
  • Colicky baby or symptoms of colic
  • GERD and indigestion
  • Poor lip movement that can affect smiling and talking
  • Diastema (or gap teeth) that carries on through adulthood
  • Accelerated upper teeth decay
  • The need for orthodontics, such as braces later on

So now the question is:  What do we do?

I’m not into waiting for the frenulum to fix itself.  I know there are a few dental websites that say to wait, but I don’t want this to turn into thousands of dollars worth of braces and teeth realignment down the road.  (I want a new mountain bike and I’m not spending good money on useless sillyness like teeth…)  We don’t want general anesthesia for Worm, so anything requiring it is placed at the bottom of the list as a last resort.  (The only things putting Worm to sleep are my boring childhood stories.)  I could snip it myself, but my gag reflex kicked in after only seeing pictures online.  I’m not going to do it.  The best option I see right now is an erbium laser treatment.  We will start heading in that direction and gather more information.  It uses local anesthetic, is timely, and involves obliteration of tissue and burning of flesh… but in a nice, humane and painless way.  Besides, anything involving lasers should be nothing short of awesome!

We’re going to look into the cost of the procedure and if there is insurance coverage for any of it.  Pics and updates to come.  Stay tuned.

I wonder if Smush could have the same problem…hmm.

Related Links:

Oral Diagnosis of Abnormal Frenum Attachments in Neonates and Infants – Classification of maxillary frenulum attachment and examines a laser treatment solution.

Frenums, Tongue-tie, Ankyloglossia – Excellent presentation discussing sublingual and maxillary frenula complications.  Surgical procedures and before/after pictures.  Very interesting.

Breastfeeding and Frenulums – website with excellent information for breastfeeding mothers as well as a presentation HERE.  Brian Palmer is the dentist and he put together the Frenums, Tongue-tie, and Ankyloglossia presentation above as well.  Excellent.

Blog Posts:

Frenectomy Today Frenum, Frenulum and Frenectomy – How to Effectively Deal With Them in 21st Century America –  Great blog post on one woman’s struggle with finding help for her child’s maxillary labial frenulum problem.  Other articles

The funny-shaped woman – Here’s a blog post that got me started on my internet hunt to find out more.  It’s a real life breastfeeding woman’s experience with maxillary labial tie.

The Mommypotamus Lip Tie Q & A – Great blog post on questions that you may have about lip-tie.

The Mommypotamus How to Spot Tongue/Lip Ties & Get FREE Expert Advice – Another great blog post on lip and tongue tie and how to start looking for it on your children.

Tempest Beauty Maxillary Labial Frenum and Tongue Tie – Mom’s experience with feeding and later, laser treatment for upper lip tie at Dr. Kotlow office.

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Categories Education

Newborns Shouldn’t Be Washed, They Should Be Licked Clean

January 18, 2013 //
0
I'm Watching You Dad! No Funny Business!

I’m Watching You Dad! No More Funny Business!

TV distorts reality.  Babies don’t come out sparkly and polished.  They’re slippery and slimy.  I’m 99% sure they are covered in condensed milk.  Smush smells and tastes sweet.  (I was curious, so I licked the hair on her head once.  Only once!)

I promise that I won’t do it again today.  The slick layer on the skin is called vernix or vernix caseosa.  And it’s important.

In the name of “leave it the hell alone” over “let’s poke, prod and experiment, etc. and be as invasive as possible because the insurance companies reimburse us very well for doing ‘stuff’ and we can’t lose money because we have a business to run and we have to pay our doctors and nurses to perform procedures, not stand there and watch you perform normal childbirthing activities”, we decided NOT to have Smush bathed.

And now that I’ve read more about it, I see we made the right choice to do nothing!  Yeah!

Research has shown that vernix covers the newborn’s body inside the womb and protects the baby from germs.  What kind of germs?  Well, how about:

If you are unlucky enough to test positive for any of the above microbes such as GBS, leaving the newborn’s vernix intact can also help protect your child.  There are quite a few studies that have been done.  I’ve linked some PubMed articles for the techno-heads.

For those that don’t want to read a bunch of articles, let me put it in plain language.  The vernix is to birth canal as a  hazmat suit is to toxic chemical spill.  (And I mean toxic spill in the nicest sort of way.)  Leave it on the newborn and let it just soak in…

Technical Article Abstract Links

Antimicrobial polypeptides of human vernix caseosa and amniotic fluid: implications for newborn innate defense

First Line of Defense in Early Human Life

The newborn infant is protected by an innate antimicrobial barrier: peptide antibiotics are present in the skin and vernix caseosa

Host defense proteins in vernix caseosa and amniotic fluid

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Categories Random Thoughts

Meet The Newest Member of our Family!

January 17, 2013 //
4

Tuesday morning began at 2:30am.  I was startled awake by heavy breathing and panting from my wife.  I pried open an eye to see if I was any part of the festivities.  Nope.  A few sleepy brain cells connected, then deduced it was not lust!  It was labor!  So I rolled over and buried my head under the pillow and nodded off again.

(10 minutes later)  Come on Steph, I’m trying to sleep here. Waitaminute!  I roll towards her.

“We’re having a baby today, aren’t we?”

“I think so.”  she replied.

I giggled like a teenage girl getting asked to prom.

The contractions weren’t getting any closer than 10 minutes apart, so I revisited my unproductive slumber.  Steph swayed in the rocking chair patiently waiting for more.  (Here, a knight in shining armor would have been simultaneously rubbing Steph’s back, neck, hips and feet during the pre-laboring.  But this wise serf thought that storing up energy for the hard work ahead was going to bear the best fruit for our labor…and make me look fresh for pictures afterward.)

The sun came up 4 hours later.  The dogs were scratching at the door to be let out.  Worm was lounging in his crib and singing about mama, dada, pop pop, nana, cee, and his future sissy.  (Oh, how I do miss a quiet house in the morning…)  Hospitals don’t like to feed laboring women more than salt water and needles, so we made time for bacon, eggs, and toast.  I scarfed down a breakfast sandwich and launched 5 spoonfuls of yogurt into my trap before it was really time to go.

1 minute contractions, 6 minutes apart.  (Our doctor said we should get to the hospital at 7 minutes apart, but what’s life without a little suspense?)

We show up at the same emergency room parking lot as we did 21 months and 13 days ago.  I circled for an hour and a half looking for the parking space I used for Worm’s birth because maybe it could bring us luck.  (Mom, I’m just kidding…I settled for a spot two cars away.  Close enough.)

“I need my ‘Last of the Mohicans’ soundtrack CD.  Can you get it from the CD case under the seat?” said the laborer.

We’re going to war?  I couldn’t find the CD or the words for “I hope this birth experience isn’t a battle like we had in our first one.”  I swallowed my fear and crossed my fingers for anything better than this time.  With gear in arms, I steadied myself for a positive birth and a healthy wife and baby afterwards.  Though track 5 could get anyone through the battle of birthing.

As we crossed the same street towards the same hospital, Steph had to stop at the same point in the road for a contraction.

“If people won’t stop for a laboring woman in the middle of the street, what would they stop for!” said Steph.

I couldn’t argue with that logic!  Or argue with a mother ready to have a baby!

(The similarities between our two birth experiences ended right there.)

We get into the hospital elevator and a random guy jumps in at the last second.

“Looks like someone’s having a baby.  It’s a good thing you brought a cooler full of beer!” as he looked down at my awesome older-than-me Oscar cooler with the green top that they don’t even make any more and still holds 10 beers with ice and possibly a sandwich if you can perch it just right on top to not squish it but you have to close the lid ever so gently.

“Man, that’s a much better use of the Oscar than my idea of keeping my stolen placentas cold.”  (I kid.  A little.  Ok, I stole one!  Well, I just borrowed it.)

We entered the hospital at 8:20am.

At 10:28am, Addison Zoe was born, aka Smush.  Steph cleared her last time by a full hour.  The next child will probably be born even faster, so I’ll have to prepare for a car or driveway birth.

So far, mother and baby are healthy!

We will tell the birth stories of Worm and Smush sometime in the near future.  And even though they look so much alike, their stories are very different.

Holy Duplicate! It's a Worm Look-a-like! Welcome Smush!

Holy Duplicate! It’s a Worm Look-a-like! Welcome Smush!

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Categories Random Thoughts
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