Archives for posts with tag: daddyblogging

We’ve got two dogs.  We’ve had them for so long that they are starting to smell a tad musty.  Now we have two kids, one that scurries around like a headless chicken and the other with the mobility of a turtle on its back.  With our small house, it was only a matter of time before any two of these particles would collide.  And they did.

Let me first say that we have gone to dog and baby class to learn about how to deal with kids and animals living together.  But, we never took a class on how to deal with kids and kids together.

I left the two dogs in the front room and the two kids in the living room with the idea that I could quickly go drink a few beers wash up a few dishes in the sink.  Not 10 seconds later, I heard a baby scream and I dropped the kitchen sponge to peek over the counter.  I saw Smush screaming at the top of her lungs and Worm standing 3 feet away with his eyes glued to the TV like nothing happened.

I walked over to them both and ask the question “What happened?” as if either one could answer me.

Worm replied “Watch George show.”  (Translation:  Can’t you see? I’m watching the Curious George show.)  Three words that made perfect sense to him, but didn’t answer my question.  I rephrased it.

“Worm, why is sissy crying?”  (Translation:  What did YOU do to your sister?)

He responds with the sign language for cry and points to Smush.  (Translation:  Sissy is crying and I plead the 5th.)

Believing that the accused could drag my interrogation out over the better part of an hour, I took matters into my own hands and scooped up the Smushster from her tummy time mat.

With the instincts of a polished detective (I’ve seen Columbo.), I started taking off her clothes to see if there were any marks or indications that an altercation had ensued.  I found bite marks!  I snapped off some pictures and sent them to dental forensics for further examination.

Even before the evidence had come back matching Worm to the crime, the prime suspect (solely because there was no one else in the room at the time of incident) was confessing (and not the slightest bit remorseful, I might add.)

I’d like to blame the biting on Worm, but I think it’s my fault.  I ‘play bite’ Smush on her belly all the time.  Worm probably saw me do it time and again and imagined that her belly was made of steel.  So he did it too.  After she started wailing, he didn’t think that his biting and her crying were related.

To fit the crime to the punishment, the suspect was booked on involuntary man-eating and sentenced to two hours without George show.

Forensic Report of "The First Bite" (because there will probably be more biting after this one...)

Forensic Report of “The First Bite” (because this won’t be the only time…)

Gavin – 25; Honeydaddy – 13 (Stupid me for teaching Worm how to bite people for fun…)

…babies didn’t drink milk.  They were fed baby giraffes.  Let me show you how these pre-diaper era babies would grab the giraffe and eat off his head like this!

Nom, nom, nom, nom!

We're More Civilized Today!  We Only Eat Rubber Giraffes Now!

We’re More Civilized Today! We Only Eat Rubber Giraffes Now!

July 2011

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