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That’s Probably Not the Best Way to Hydrate…

June 12, 2012 //
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If Steph brought me warm milk after I woke up from a nap, I’d slap myself twice to make sure I wasn’t in heaven.  (Actually, if she also brought some Oreo cookies and a toast and jam, I’d be certain I was beyond the pearly gates.)  So, why doesn’t Worm like his warm milk anymore?

That little baby is getting the King’s treatment from me.  I bathe him when he starts to stick to the carpet, brush his teeth when his breath stinks, and change his diapers whenever they leak through.  I even prepare a meal or two every single day for him.  Yes! That means weekends, too!  (With all this extra care, I’m probably going to be up for a dad-of-the-year award.)  So, when he doesn’t appreciate the gratuitous milk-in-bed offering, it gets my goat.

Either way, the decreased daily intake of liquid in milk form must be compensated for or Worm will shrivel up.  I brainstormed for the best way to add more fluids to Worm’s diet and came up with an ideal solution.  Clearly, the best way to keep him hydrated would be IV drip.  Hospitals use it all the time.  Also, there’s no need for Worm to take time out from his busy play schedule in order to ingest fluids.  (Can you say baby-multitasking?)  He could have a hands-free hydrational experience 24 hours a day.  As an added touch, wheels or a face could be added to the IV bag and it becomes a toy.  (My mind never ceases to amaze me.)

Since no one wanted to support this exceptional idea for me financially (namely my wife), I’ve decided to go with the lame already-been-overdone sippy cup option.  Multiple sippy cups filled with chocolate soy milk, juice, and water are strategically placed within arm’s reach of the Worm.  He’s got access to a beverage bonanza.  But he chooses not to indulge.  He’s acquired a taste for something else.

Instead, Worm partakes of his bath water.  Yep.  Bath water.  Not clean bath water, mind you.  But soapy, sudsy, probably been peed in, bath water.  He drank about 5 turtle cups of the cloudy stuff before he was satiated.

Maybe he thought it was pea soup, not pee soup.  I don’t know.  (Poor guy, I hate to tell him there’s a huge difference between pea and pee…)

Warning, Drinking Bath Water Makes You Shorter and More Troll-Like

He makes that face with every gulp…and yet he keeps drinking as if bath water will taste better the next time.  (Isn’t that kind of like adults and beer?  But, as we drink more beer it begins to taste like water.  I’m not quite convinced the reciprocal effect is had when you start with water.)

At the very least, I should add some electrolytes to the bubbly baby soak.  Oh wait, Worm already did.  Eeew!

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Categories Food

Homemade Play Dough Time!

May 24, 2012 //
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I’m More Like Michaelangelo From the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…

I think Worm is getting tired of his toys.  We rotate them, but he may have already caught on to our evil toy recycling scheme.  We’re going to try something new.  Worm currently plays with plastic toys that are pre-designed, pre-made and pre-packaged.  Logically, the next creative step for Worm’s brain is to make something out of nothing.  To offer a truly plastic experience for him, I decided to make some good old-fashioned natural play dough!  This way, he can mold something out of the depths of his little mind…mu hu ha ha ha!

So a Train Conductor and Play Dough Walk Into a Bar…

I found a great recipe for play dough online at Skip To My Lou.  It takes only 15 minutes to make.  If you are married to a chef like I am, you may already have these ingredients in your kitchen.  Otherwise, find all this stuff in the cooking aisle of your supermarket:

  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 cup warm water
  • 2 tsp cream of tartar  (It’s not the same as tartar sauce.  Trust me on this!)  Substitute 2 tsp of lemon juice or vinegar if you don’t have cream of tartar!
  • 1/4 cup salt
  • 1 tsp oil
  • Food coloring

Mix everything together except the food coloring!  Toss it into a small pot.  The consistency should be like thick coughed up phlegm.

Turn stove heat to medium.  Stir continuously.  (Come on, use a little muscle!  Work up a sweat!)  The mixture should start turning sticky on the bottom of the pot.  It will continue to get more and more clumpy.  (This is the magic of cream of tartar.  Tartar sauce will not do this, although it will add more flavor.)

You can stop stirring when you’ve got a huge lump of dough.  It should now look like caucasian Play-doh of Germanic descent.  (I’m trying to be politically correct here.)

Turn off heat.  Let the play dough cool.

Grab the play dough and feel the consistency.  If it falls apart too easily, add a few drops of oil and massage it into the dough.  (If you massage too roughly, the dough may wince in pain.)

Now you’ve got a hunk of dough the size of a genetically modified naval orange.

You’ve got a few choices here.  You can be uber-creative and break up the play dough into pieces and add different food colorings.  Or you could be a lazy good-for-nothing parent and give your child the dough as is.

Today, I opted to be the minimum requirements parent.  One that does just enough to still be called a ‘Dad’.  I added 30 drops of blue liquid food coloring to the dough ball before me and called it a day.

Can I Feed Some To The Puppies?

And yes, you can eat it.  It won’t kill you…in small doses.

Store it in an airtight container.  If there’s hair growing out of it, throw it away.

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Categories Play

Take Me Out To My First Ballgame!

May 21, 2012 //
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It’s sushi and tacos and Cracker Jack!

It’s a San Diego Thing…

It’s baseball season and the San Diego Padres are our home team (until some businessman buys them and moves them to Hawaii).  I must admit, I’m not a huge baseball fan.  I don’t watch it on TV.  I don’t have a fantasy team.  I don’t even understand half of it.

But, that doesn’t stop me from going to a game or two during the season.   Especially when we get free tickets!  Petco Park is a great place for families, kids, and kids with families.  It’s a fairly new venue and dare I say that the Park is classy for a baseball stadium.  You can get the standard stadium fare (beer, pretzels, peanuts, cotton candy, slushees, etc.) and you can get gourmet fare (local brewed beer, shrimp burritos, fish tacos, sushi).  There’s even a gluten-free stand for those that wish to partake!  Plenty of food to choose from for your picky little eater!

Also, there’s a little field at the back of the stadium called “Park at the Park” with a kid’s sized infield and lots of space to picnic and just hang out.  It’s geared for families with kids that can’t sit still long enough to watch an entire baseball game.  Parents can set their kids loose in the 2.7 acre space and then kick back and watch the game on the big screen.  Just bring a lawn chair.  There’s enough space (about 2.7acres) in “Park at the Park” for the young’uns to run bases and wear themselves out.  These tickets are $5 each and if you’ve got a toddler like I do, he’ll probably like this much more than being confined to one seat for 3 hours.

Worm enjoyed his first visit to Petco Park.  It was a warm, sunny San Diego afternoon.  I think the immense size of the stadium structure with all the people amazed him.  He even let out a few drops of saliva on my leg in his excitement.

Worm ate nachos!  Worm ate burritos!  Worm I drank beer!  Some nice Padre girls even came over to make sure Worm was happy!  He even finagled some free schwag from them!  (Is ‘free schwag’ like saying ‘space meteor’?)  A fun time was had by all, for almost an hour.  Luckily, it was a short game.

Worm, You Gotta Look at the Camera!

If you’re looking for Padres information:

Padres Home Page

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Categories Play

I Designate Friday as Golden Shower Day

May 16, 2012 //
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Last Friday I had enough.  Enough crying.  Enough barking.  Enough cleaning.  Enough playing house.  When I was a child, playing house was nothing like this.

It was more like:

Wifey – “Welcome home honey!  I baked you some fresh bread and started a bath for you.”

Hubby – “That’s great! But before dinner, let’s feed the kitty, walk the dog, and churn some butter.”

And we all lived happily ever after!

On Friday, the proverbial shit hit the fan and the real shit hit the carpet.

But, let’s start a few days prior.  Enter Wednesday, the hors d’oeuvre.

I thought I had everything under control until my back went out on me.  Yep.  Kaput.  I couldn’t stand upright, sit down, or lay down without sharp, searing, nauseating pain.  (It was three orders of magnitude worse than giving birth, ok?)  My entire lower back was as hard as steel.  (Why can’t my abdominals be like that?)

We added a third dog, Looney (aptly named), to the house just after my back fell apart.  (Steph and I had agreed months ago to pet-sit a friend’s dog for four days while they were on vacation.  It just so happened to start today.  Seren-f-n-dipity.)

And since the gods weren’t quite done pissing on my mortal soul, they plugged up our kitchen sink.  We tried Drano as if, just this once, it would actually perform as advertised.  (Does Drano ever work?  The foaming version?  Nope.  The gel version?  Nope.  The extra strength version?  Nope.  The mystical, magic crystal version?  Nope.  Drano only seems to open the drain in my wallet.  I digress.)  Naturally, the plumber couldn’t come out until Friday morning.  (Do you sense a bit of foreshadowing?)

Thursday was hellacious, but nothing like the day after.  Enter Friday morning, le plat principal.  (In case you were wondering, entree doesn’t translate to main course anywhere except for America.)

The plumber is coming this morning.  I go to the kitchen to clean up before he arrives.  The dishes from the past two days are piled next to the sink and as I get closer, the backed up drain smells faintly familiar.  Oh yeah!  It smells like a dumpster in here!  Super!

Worm is still in bed sleeping (off some vodka cranberry we goosed last night), so I take the opportunity to pick up toys off the floors.  Every Friday is vacuum day.  (I vacuum in Speedos the color of my vacuum cleaner, if you’re after some mental eye candy.)  I look down at the carpet in the front room and there’s quite a few new stains showing.  They must be fresh because I don’t remember them from yesterday.  I look closer.  Oh, they’re chocolate stains.  Which one of the damn dogs smeared choco-noooo!  This is dog shit!  And it’s everywhere!  Double super!

I’m irate.  How stupid can these dogs be?  There’s probably 3 piles of shit in the whole backyard.  WTF?  Aren’t dogs supposed to smell shit a mile away?  How could they step in it?  Don’t they look where they’re walking?

I go to the living room to ponder what to do next.  And what do I see in the living room?  (You know this is not going to be good either, right?)  It’s a large puddle of yellow-orange vomit on our awesome leopard print rug.  Triple super!

At this point, we’re only 7 hours into Friday and I need a drink.

The plumber gets to the house around 8 and Duncan starts barking his head off.  The baby wakes up from the ruckus crying and screaming.  Looney sneaks outside to fence fight with the neighbors’ dogs.  So, I’m screaming at Duncan to stop.  The neighbors are screaming at Looney to stop.  The dogs must have sensed my weakness because they just looked at me and laughed.  The chaos went on until the plumber left an hour later.  To make a long story short, I spent the entire morning scrubbing, washing, cleaning, bleaching, steaming, fuming, panting, bitching, moaning, screaming, and almost sobbing.  I even missed my stay-at-home dad’s day at the tavern, which I’d been looking forward to all week long.

Last Friday, I was pretty damn close to spontaneously combusting.  If I had, I’m sure the gods would have surely pissed on me then.

Worm, I Am NOT a Disney Land Ride!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Nutella, You’ve Saved My Child’s Life!

May 10, 2012 //
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…and may just keep Worm’s parents out of jail!

I’m sorry Nutella.  You’ve been wronged.  You’ve had to pay out millions of dollars to some ignorant person that couldn’t find the time to read the label.

–

This is a classic example of how stupidity gets rewarded in America.  There’s no need to be educated in this country.  It will never pay so much, $3 Million, for so little effort.  (Besides, an education takes time and costs money and all you’re left with these days is a huge student loan debt and no job.  I digress.)

Um, hello?  Woman who sued my new favorite food company?  Athena Hohenberg?  I’m sure you’re NOT reading this post because you either:

  • A) can’t read
  • B) don’t see any real benefit to reading
  • C) now have enough money to pay someone to read (and think) for you

I have Nutella in my house.  Have I ever thought it was a healthy snack?  No.  Why?  Because it tastes so damn good!  It’s spreadable chocolate, for Tebow’s sake!

There’s 100 calories per tablespoon in it!  Half of those calories are fat!  The first ingredient is sugar!  Is any of this not obvious?

Just because the label says ‘No Artificial Colors’ and ‘No Artificial Preservatives‘ doesn’t make it healthy!  Just because you see it on TV, doesn’t mean that you should believe it.  (But if you see it on the internet, it’s probably true.)

Gimme That Nutella, Dad! Toss it Here!

Now, back to you Nutella.  Thank you for putting such a magnificent specimen in a jar for me to spread on some lightly toasted Hawaiian style bread with a side of fresh banana slices.  You are now my shining light and savior!  It wasn’t until that foolish lawsuit popped up against you that I smacked my 5 brain cells together and manifested a wonderful idea.

Here’s how you solved a serious weight problem for our family.  I’ve got a skinny kid at home that “needs” calories, or else the pediatrician is going to call Child Protective Services on us.  Worm is slipping down the infant weight charts faster than you lost that $3 Million.  So, I’ve decided to supplement his diet with some high calorie foods.  I’m trying not to load him up on dairy (like the pediatrician suggested) and I’m looking for some alternatives.  Since Nutella is so dense in calories and chock full of taste, it’s a perfect food for my son!  No artificial colors or preservatives and high in calories!  Awesome!

I promise that if I can get Worm back into the 50th percentile for weight before his weight check next week, we will name our next child Nutella Licious J.  (Come on, that’s an awesome stage name!  Disclaimer:  To be christened though, I have to clear it with the wife first.)

I wonder if I can sue a butter company because it made me fat…you betcha’!  In America, anything’s possible!

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Categories Food

Don’t Break Your Kid’s Leg at the Playground

May 9, 2012 //
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Not that I would ever do such a thing…on purpose.  But, accidentally?  I could see that happening.  So far, I haven’t done anything to scar my son physically.  Emotionally, I’ve probably wreaked havoc on him.  (There’s a small chance I won’t know until he’s moved out of the house.)

I was reading an article the other day about dangers on a playground.  What I didn’t know was that I could be dangerous enough to break my kid’s leg.

A slide is fun to, er, slide on.  And even though I’m in my late 20’s (ok, early-30’s)  (ok, mid-30’s for Tebow’s sake!), I still get a kick out of scooting down the slide.  (Whee!)  As a father, I want to maximize our laughs on the playground.  So naturally, I perch Gavin atop my lap and we go down the slide together.  (Whee!)  We’ve done it quite a few times already.

But, here’s where it gets dangerous.  If you are sliding down the slide with your child and his/her shoe gets caught under you, the force of your additional weight may be enough to break the child’s leg or injure him or her substantially.

For the physics nerds out there:

  • On top of a slide:  The potential energy of a parent + child > The potential energy of child
  • Potential energy becomes kinetic energy as the parent + child (or child alone) go down the slide.  Disregard thermal energy such as friction burning the seat of your pants on the way down.
  • If a child is sliding down the slide by himself, he may be able to put a foot down to slow and stop himself.  The kinetic force is turned into thermal energy and result in burned rubber on the shoes!
  • If a parent and child are sliding down the slide together, the child may try to put a foot down to slow and stop himself.  But, the kinetic energy of both parent and child may be too great and the mechanical energy of the child’s foot may not be enough to slow and stop parent and child.  Thus, child’s mechanical energy is overcome by the kinetic energy and fracture of bone may occur on descent.  Voila!  Child has broken leg and you are to blame.  Bad parent, bad!

So, in other words, be careful on the playground!  You don’t want to have to go home to your wife and tell her that you broke her kid’s leg.  But, in case you find yourself in this predicament, use one of these 3 excuses to get off scott-free:

  1. He was getting beat up at the playground and we tried to escape by sliding down the slide.  But, _____ (fill in your child’s name here) tried to jump off the slide to retaliate and got his leg stuck under me and broke it.  Our boy’s got the fight of a lion, doesn’t he?  (MAKE YOUR KID THE HERO.)
  2. We climbed to the top of the slide to get a better view of playground and he slipped.  I dove down to save _____ from falling and hitting his head.  As I caught little _____ in my lap, his foot got caught under me and broke.  Don’t worry though, it could have been worse if he broke his head.  (MAKE YOURSELF THE HERO.)
  3. We were at the playground and suddenly, there was this light beam that came down from the sky and started pulling _____ towards a hovering space ship.  I jumped up and grabbed _____.  In falling from the tractor beam’s pull, we landed on the slide.  The impact of the fall caused me to land on _____’s leg, breaking it.  Thank Tebow, it was only a fracture.  Just think what would have happened if the aliens got him.  (THIS ONE’S A LONG SHOT.)

Original article:

Riding the Slide with Your Toddler in Your Lap Could Break Her Leg

You Aliens Have to Try Harder Against These Intelligent Lifeforms!!

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Categories Play

Hypothetically Famous…

May 4, 2012 //
3

I have recently had the opportunity to interview for a TV series that is going to be based on stay-at-home dads.  Since I have a burning desire to walk the red carpet and have people pay me to wear clothes, I decided to try out.  What the heck, right?  What’s the worst that could happen?  One problem is that Gavin may not want to be on TV.  At this age, he has no say.  (We vote on things all the time, but he never asks any questions or says ‘Aye‘ or ‘Nay’.  So, 85% of the time, I win!)  How do I know what Worm wants?  Does he want everyone in the universe to see what he’s doing and how he’s growing up?  Does he want to be famous?

I thought about all of the great things that could happen if we were on TV:

  • My friends and family could watch us every single day on TV.
  • Gavin could become a reality TV star.
  • It would take my blog to another level.
  • I could get paid for changing diapers and brushing baby teeth.  (Gavin would get paid in jujube’s and jellybeans.)
  • I could eventually have my own talk show!
Then, I thought about all of the bad things that could happen if I was on TV:
  • My friends and family could watch me every single day on TV.
  • I wouldn’t be able to see myself on TV because I don’t have cable.
  • We would have to watch everything we say and do in public.
  • We could get negative press from the media.
  • We could be stalked by the paparazzi.
  • We could end up like the Kardashians.

Things I learned that day:

  • It takes 4 hours to get to L.A. (from San Diego) on a weekday morning.
  • It takes 1 hr and 50 minutes to get home from L.A. (to San Diego) on a weekday at lunch time.
  • I can’t drive more than 2 hours without having to pee.
  • 50 minutes of my camera interview will be condensed into 2-3 minutes.  Therefore, 95% of what I say is worthless.  (Have they been talking to my wife?)
  • There’s a lot of if’s in show business.

Stay tuned.  If I know something, you’ll know something.  If you’ve got any thoughts, feel free to comment!

We’re Just a Couple of Character Actors!!!

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Categories MVG Oddities
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