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The 1.5 Year Old Milestone Mark For Worm

October 13, 2012 //
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Worm is 18 months old.  We’ve kept him alive thus far and cheerfully pat ourselves on the back.  His incredibly resilient body took a lot of abuse and punishment from my inane innate parenting skills.  I look at my fathering style as a healthy blend of unintentional tomfoolery and collegiate style hazing.  “Worm, if you can make it through my method of parenting, you can join us in this club we call manhood!”

I never get anything right the first time.  I shouldn’t feel bad when I screw up the experiment Worm.  That’s why we’re having more than one kid!  One doesn’t just hop into a car for the first time and know how to drive it, right?  I’m sure the third child will be perfect!

Barring the fact that Worm really didn’t start walking much until almost 17 months and really didn’t start talking until about 2 weeks ago, he still made the cut off.  Whew!  With much surprise, we’ve made it through a large list of the 18-month milestones.  Since you can find those boring milestones elsewhere on the web, I haven’t included them here.

You’re Better off as a Back Seat Driver, Worm. We’ll Revisit This When You’re Old Enough to Reach the Gas Pedal…

This is a list of Worm’s latest been-there-done-thats:

  • Tells the dogs “Shut up!” when they’re being loud.  (Or “Sha daa!”  Already picking up our bad habits…)
  • Goes in a closet or corner to potty.  (Good thing he has his diaper on.  It’s heredity.  His father has tried to go out on a balcony to pee…)
  • Plays hide and seek. (He can be eerily still and quiet for this game…good skill to have for NINJA training!)
  • He closes the hallway closet doors every time he walks past and they’re cracked.  (OCD?  Is he going to be the next Howard Hughes?)
  • He Swiffers everything.  His desire to clean is impressive.   (Couch, coffee table, dog beds, etc.  I’m going to build a stool so he can start doing dishes.  More OCD?)
  • If he shreds paper and makes a mess, he picks each piece up to throw away.  (One day, I’ll be able to get him to clean up my mess.  Even more OCD?)
  • He can open a twist-off lid (…and feed the dogs)
  • He puts his fists up to his eyes and fake cries (Thanks Grandma for teaching him this.)
  • When you ask him where poop comes from, he points to his butt cheeks and goes “Ick!” (Thanks again Grandma!  This is going to be useful when figuring out which body part goes on the toilet seat.)
  • Says “Dada” to me  (…and random men in public.)
  • Brushes his teeth (…after he sucks all the toothpaste off the brush.)
  • Feeds himself with a spoon (…and the dogs too.)
  • He sees and points out things that are out-of-place.  (Why is that piece of grass on the sidewalk?  And he puts it back on the lawn.)
  • He points out all of his body parts (…and always double checks that his wee-wee is attached.)
  • He knows pretty much everything in the house (…he just doesn’t vocalize it.  Chicks dig a man of few words.  He’s on it already!)
  • And speaking of that, he stares at the pretty girls wherever we go.  (Right now, it’s the long creepy stare, But at least he’s got good taste in women!)
  • Can survive on grapes and juice for days. (Seriously?  He’s got supermodel tendencies.  All he needs to learn is the “Blue Steel” face.  That milestone’s at least a couple of months away.)

Stats on the Worm:

– 34″ tall

– 22 lb 2 oz

– 1″ vertical jump

– ∞ 40-yard dash  (He can’t run for more than a few feet before stopping to pick up some flower or bug on the ground.)

 

 

 

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Categories Education

Songs From the Shower – How Many Times Are You Going To Pillage the Cupboards?

October 5, 2012 //
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Worm, it looks like you’re at it again. (9)

You’re ripping food out of the cupboards and then (11)

When tomorrow should see us moving ahead,  (11)

We’re back in the cupboards with hands on the bread. (11)

Why do you squeeze and poke it so much?

Can you grip it less tight?  Try a softer touch.

My potato chips! Stop!  I’d rather you not

Pummel or trample them with your sumo squat.

Dad, I was checking the freshness dates on everything. Quality control, you know?

The Cheez-its have not done any wrong,

Why do they suffer?  Were they doomed all along?

Already have your hands and feet doled out wrath,

I pray you’ll be cleansed of your deeds in the bath.

Not cereal too!  When will it end?

As you tear open boxes,  I see a trend.

One hundred times now we have seen you destroy

The food in the pantry and cupboards.  Bad boy!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Worm, I Thought You Were Sick…

October 3, 2012 //
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Worm caught a cold on Saturday.  By the wee hours of Sunday morning, someone was having trouble sleeping because the little vermin was squirming and coughing.  (It’s ok to feel sorry for me not getting my beauty sleep.  It’s how I keep that youthful glow!)  When the Worm began crying miserably, Steph went into the baby room to try and soothe the savage.  Feeling heroic, I bounced out of bed to see how I could save the day.  (OK, I was forced to remove the pillow from over my head and get my ass and other parts of the body up ASAP.  Sergeant’s orders…)

So at 3am, the whole family was awake and suffering.  2/3 of us were crying.  On the outside, Worm was crying from the fever and body aches.  On the inside, I was crying from the stink eye that Steph gave to “encourage” my cooperation!

We spent the better part of Sunday caring for the virus incubator poor baby and teaching him to blow snot bubbles.  The great thing about children is that colds and flu usually pass through them swiftly.  There’s no conscious mind telling them that bills need to get paid, car needs to go to the mechanic, work projects need to get done this week, etc.  They’re free to hear their bodies’ request for nature’s best remedy, Otter pops and rest.

Sunday night, a more comfortable respite found the Worm.  In fact, it must have been awesome sleep because on Monday the little guy decided to do house chores!  (I swear this was all unprovoked.  If I had a hand in it, he would have been out washing the car or cutting the lawn.  But hey, I’ll take any help I can get!)

First, he tackled the laundry.

You See Worm, Pink and Lavender Laundry Balls Entice Women To Do Laundry.  The Soft Colors Are Attractive to Females. It’s Subliminal.

Then he decided that the dogs needed to be fed…again.  (Note to self:  Son has figured out twist-top containers.)

Worm, I’m Not Sure Duncan Needs More Food This Morning…

And then he decided that he didn’t want to live in a pig sty (like my dad used to say to me, ha ha), so he Swiffer-ed the carpets…and the coffee table…and the couch.

Worm, You Missed a Spot…Like the Entire Kitchen Floor!

And if that wasn’t enough to show daddy that he was independent and could now get his own apartment, he changed his own diaper.

Worm, If You’re Going To Take Off the Dirty Diaper, You May Want To Put a CLEAN ONE ON!

Almost!

If Worm does housework every time he gets sick, I think we may be able to get free monthly housekeeping.  All I need are a few germs and a couple of Petri dishes…

Gavin – 17; Dad – 7 (I gladly give you two points every time you do chores!  Shoot, I’ll give you 5 points for every blog you post too!)

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Categories Play

Imagine What Would Happen if Worm and I Traded Places…

September 26, 2012 //
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Worm wants to grow up too fast.  I want to revisit my youth.  Using a little fairy dust and internet magic, Worm and I were able to switch places for a day.

It was so much fun!  Some genius invented underwear with a built-in toilet.  I didn’t have to interrupt my cavorting just to pee or poop.  Even when full, it still hugged my body and accentuated my curves.  (I’m not sure why this idea hasn’t caught on for adults.)  It was awesome!  I bounced all over this huge springy pad in one of the bedrooms.  When I got tired from bouncing on it, I could use it to sleep on!  Brilliant!

I drooled on the couch.  I pulled wipes out of a magic box.  Every time I would pull one out, another one would appear in the same exact spot!  I screamed as loud as I could until my throat hurt.  I pulled the pots and pans out of the kitchen drawers and beat them until my arm got tired.  Why these toys were stored in the kitchen, I’ll never know.  I pretended not to listen to anyone and couldn’t find it in my body to stand still and act out some semblance of politeness.  I farted in front of my family a few times.  When I pointed blame at the dogs, we all laughed about it….every…single…time.

I did run into some problems, though.  I couldn’t get food out of the fridge.  The door was too heavy.  I wasn’t allowed to take the car keys and go for a drive.  I couldn’t go swimming in the pool by myself.  I just wanted to be left alone for a few minutes, but privacy wasn’t allowed.  I tried to hide in the nooks and crannies of the house, but seeing as how I wasn’t strong enough to move any furniture or climb up the bookcase, I stood there as still as possible in plain sight and willed myself to be invisible.  It worked about half the time…I think.  My bike was too big and I had trouble chewing the skin off of the grapes.  Why is the TV remote so darn big?  I couldn’t even hold it with one hand.  I did try to rub two of them together to see if I could make fire, but they got taken away before I could set them ablaze.  Being so close to the ground, the air heavily reeked of feet and dog butts.  And worst of all, I had to be in bed by 7:30pm.

It’s a good thing that after the stroke of midnight I will be back to my old, old self.

We are the September 25th ManBabies photo!  You can also vote for us on the website if you like!

Worm, Be Gentle! You Don’t Know Your Own Strength!

Related Links:

ManBabies.com – If you’re up for a good laugh, check out some of these photos!

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Categories MVG Oddities

What’s Wrong With the Apples? They’re So Small!

September 18, 2012 //
1

…Slackjawed that these naive ladies had probably never seen unadulterated food in their lives, I couldn’t even manage a sarcastic response.  I muttered “It’s because the apples are real.  They’re not genetically modified like the bland softball-sized ones you see in the supermarket.”

“Oh!” before a bushel of giggles filled the fresh air.  They scampered away and disappeared into the orchard.

So the 2012 apple season in Julian, California has begun.  And it’s bringing all of the urbanites out of the concrete jungle.  Only about an hour or so outside of San Diego, Julian is a cozy little mountain town nestled in the Cuyamaca range.  It is a nice little getaway from the hustle of city life, especially in the fall.

There are some 10 apple orchards (about 5 are the u-pick style) in and around Julian.  We picked (get it, “picked”?) the Raven Hill Orchard (RHO) because of an article I saw on a San Diego Travels webpage here.  I read about Patrick Brady, orchard owner as well as sculpturist.  My  curiosity piqued at the article’s phrase “quite a character to behold”, and believing that artists infuse passion and joy into life, I figured his orchard would exhibit the same sentiment.  I love fascinating places and intriguing people, but memorable moments happen when both coincide.  I couldn’t wait to see what our first visit to an apple orchard would bring.

We arrive at the front gate at 10am.  Greeted by a sign bearing the politically correct translation of “Use your head for something other than a hat rack.  If you couldn’t tell, you’re not in your comfy, cozy padded cell where you can hurt nothing more than your own feelings.  It’s the outdoors.  Everything here is 3-dimensional and may bite.”, we enter.

How dangerous can picking apples be? Newton discovered gravity in a place like this…

Inside we see the man, the myth, the keeper of the apples, Patrick Brady.  Donning a black leather hat, camo pants, and a lion’s mane of hair, he waves us in.  All I can say is, if there is a ‘most interesting man in Julian’, we just found him.

“Health starts here!” as he points to the ground in front of us.

At $10 a bag, it’s definitely cheaper than a visit to the pharmacy.  With a smile, Steph asks for 3 bags of health.  That’s one bag for each of us!  (I don’t think Worm can eat a whole bag of apples by himself.  But since he is not typically known to share, I’ll probably snake an apple or two from his bag every day.  It’s not like he can count either!)

We wander down the gaps between the trees, stopping to inspect the apples and take in the warm breeze of the morning.

Steph, being the apple connoisseur, showed Worm and I how to pick the apples. Women just know these things!  It’s built into their DNA!  (She didn’t believe killing the apples with our bow and arrows set was necessary.)

Guys, be gentle. Ripe apples will easily detach from the tree. Don’t take the part with the leaves!

Pretty soon, Worm and I got into the spirit and gently plucked a few ripe ones for our respective stashes.  Since I have the luxury of being tall (extremely tall for Southern California), I was able to get to the apples that lesser mortals couldn’t reach.  Lucky for us, the orchard was chock full of fruit for everyone.  In fact, our whole family filled up our bags before we made it to some of the other apple varieties.  (The Raven Hill Orchard grows 7 apple types:  Empire, Fuji, Gala, Golden Delicious, Gravenstein, Jonathan, and Pippin)  Although the picking season runs from September to late October, it’s best to go before the apples have been totally picked through.  Otherwise, you’ll be doing your apple picking at one of the local markets.

It’s a Good Thing We Are Tall, Huh Dad?

After a nice half hour among the fruit trees, we head back to the entrance to pay for our apples.  We get a chance to talk a little bit with Patrick, the owner.  He’s definitely a straight-shooting, no-frills type of guy.  A gently forceful and honest type that will look you directly in the eyes when he speaks.  We chat on different topics centered around health in America, etc.  An hour later, his lovely wife comes down for a visit and we get to meet his 3 month old twin babies.  The entire day was enjoyable, interesting, and wonderful.  After a visit to downtown Julian for some pie and cider, I can’t say that we could have had a more perfect day.

Hanging Out With Patrick at Raven Hill Orchard

Support local farmers and growers!

Related Links:

Raven Hill Orchard Facebook Page

Picking Apples Raven Hill Orchard

Patrick Brady – Man of All Seasons

Julian, California Webpage

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Categories Play

Bye Bye Hollywood Heartthrob, Hello Lab Rat

September 10, 2012 //
5

We’ve given up on show business (for now).  Hollywood is a tough act to crack into and we’ve faced rejection one too many times.  (It  was just one time.  We have fragile egos to mend!) So, I’ve been looking for other ways to exploit showcase the Worm and his burgeoning talents.

Enter the Infant Development Study!  This study is currently being held in San Diego (California), Montreal (Canada, not Wisconsin), and Geneva (Switzerland, not Illinois).  If you live near any one of these cities and wish to participate, click the link above or at the bottom of the page.

The IDS has now added my son, Gavin, aka #6.022 x 10^23, into their child development program where he will be tested in the area of language development every 6 months until he turns 4 years old and is ready for school.

Coffee and creampuffs now! Otherwise, it’s too early for this crap!

Of course, I saw right through the smoke and mirrors and wittingly uncovered a baby IQ test!  My anxiety shot through the roof as I wondered:  Is Worm learning at a normal rate?  Is he below average?  Why does he grunt so much?  What if his intelligence score is too low?  Am I talking to him enough?  Do I E-NUN-CI-ATE or do I mumble?  Is that why he can’t understand English?  Is social services going to take away my little ape man because I haven’t taught him enough words?  Am I a roadblock to his learning capability?

When I arrived at the Child Development Lab at the San Diego State University, I was mesmerized by the toys and bright colors of the room and my anxiety quickly subsided.  Worm was working the ‘ignorance is bliss’ angle.  He had no idea what was going on, save for the fact that there were pretty women surrounding and smiling at him.  We both looked at each other and knew that the only way things could get better was if they had Goonies on the TV and let us put our feet on the couch.

The main test had Worm sitting on my lap in front of a touch screen computer (which he doesn’t have at home).  He was shown two objects and was told to “Touch the ….”.  If he touched the correct object, the screen would repeat the word and move on to the next two pictured objects.  If he touched the incorrect object, his parent would get an electric charge (akin to that of a wet tongue on a 9V battery) from the chair.  By the end of the testing, the room smelled like fried porkskin and I lost some butt hair.  (Ok, the last part wasn’t real.  But, if these were the consequences, how many more parents do you think would become involved in their child’s education?)

The experiment study didn’t take Worm away from me (even though the whole time he forgot I was in the room with him), stick him in a cage with chimps, or give him an opportunity to go home with new parents.  I asked if there was a pill that could expand Worm’s brain function like in the movie Limitless, but they looked at me as if I should stop procreating before I pass on my stupidity.  (It’s too late!  We’ve got another baby on the way!)

Gators! I love the Gators! They’re all over my bedroom wall!

All in all, it was a great experience and the team that worked with Worm was warm and friendly.  On top of letting us hang out for an hour, they gave Worm a Target gift card for $25 and I got a cool squeaky wind-up racecar!  Worm chewed on his gift card and I played with my new racecar for the entire drive home!  (Can you say, awesome!)

The study is looking for more parents with kids between 14 and 17 months old.  Every visit takes about 60 minutes (90 minutes if your kid is a PITA) and you get something for your time and participation.  Visits to the lab are only every 6 months, so it’s not a huge time commitment.  But, the overall benefit of participation is in helping the study of infant language development all over the world.

Here are some links to get you started:

San Diego State University Infant and Child Development Laboratory

University of California San Diego Cognitive Development Laboratory

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Categories Education

I Saw a SAHD! He Was Standing There in Broad Daylight!

September 6, 2012 //
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It’s the Frightful and Elusive Worm Yeti!

Stay at home dads are being spotted on playgrounds all across America!  Once shunned from society, SAHD sightings have surpassed the Yeti, or Abominable Snowman if they’re the same guy.  (Though, the statistics are marred because some of the grizzly, unkempt SAHDs are occasionally mistaken for Yeti…)  Other SAHDs who have worn disguises for years, are finding increased acceptance.  They have tossed off their wigs and heels and can show their true selves to the public without being ridiculed and emasculated.  We are not ashamed to be SAHD anymore!  (Cue up the music…”It’s Raining Men!  Hallelujah it’s raining men!”)  It’s a new era for us!  You can’t spell millennium without M-E-N!  It’s impossible!  I’ve tried!

A few years back in history (because you can’t go forward), the Women’s Liberation Movement brought more women into the workforce.  Excited (and possibly hysterical) mothers dropped their aprons and hair nets to rush off into the working world.  With the mass exodus from the home, neglected irons melted pants, abandoned ovens burned bread, and worst of all, unsupervised children were left with no one to answer their cries for food and love.

Fortunately, the supersonic hearing and ninja-like instincts of fathers everywhere picked up the distress signals.  What summoned these “ordinary men” to spring out of their office chairs and back towards the home was the selfless desire to save mankind by rescuing the forsaken toddlers and babies of this fine country and investing in their livelihood.  Many fathers cast off their work uniforms exposing tight red underwear (very much unlike Spanx) and a matching red cape (Not terracotta, not chestnut, not fuchsia and certainly not amaranth.  RED!)  These heroes instantly dropped their work lives and flew (at the speed of sound, of course) home to put out the fires that their wives had so carelessly ignited.  Children were scooped up with one hairy powerful hand and soothed by the gentle manliness of the other.  Never before had young ones, families and the entire universe felt so safe.  And it’s getting safer as more fathers are staying home with their children.

Fathers all over the world continue to answer this call to be the noble stay-at-home parent.  So, the next time your workweek lunch break shows you a dad holding a child (or holding a beer, or even holding a child holding a beer), thank him or give him a corn dog or something.  Because it’s your future, the Earth’s future he is looking out for.

In the last ten years SAHDs have doubled, but the percentage of dads that stay at home are still small at 3.4%, according to Boston College Center for Work and Family.  To read an informative blog post that has a good point of view on the SAHD trend, click the article link below.  (Nanny.net also features information on finding a nanny near you, becoming a nanny, and information about nannies in general.)

Related Links:

Are Stay-At-Home Dads on the Rise? – Nanny.Net Blog

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Categories News
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