Our baby is long for his age.  I guess I can say tall now, because he can stand up.  He’s in the 90th percentile for height (which amounts to nothing more than bragging rights at the playground…for the parent).  Since he’s been skinny and long (tall) for most of his 10 months here, I christened him the Worm.  (It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?)  Though, I’ve recently seen that being tall doesn’t come without problems.

The Worm is crawling a lot these days, building strength in those Michelin man thighs and adding muscle density to his fluffy baby body.  I know muscles are important for the next stage of mobility, walking.  So, we’ve got him on a workout schedule of 2 hours twice a day crawling on the treadmill.  We’ve also added pilates and yoga to his routine.  His nutrition is supplemented (American style) by protein shakes, protein bars, and Gatorade (because it has electrolytes).

Conserving Leg Strength By Hanging On the Railing...Smart Worm. Smart.

With all the extra strength from training, Gavin can now stand up.  (You’re welcome, Worm.)  But, the problem is not in the standing, it’s in the sitting back down.  He doesn’t know how.  Apparently, the incredible altitude of 29.5″ (the 0.5″ makes a huge difference in the percentile rankings…) stiffens the legs, arches the back, and brings out the howling monster in him.  He’s so proud of pulling himself high enough to peer over the coffee table, and his little smile widens with achievement.  But mere minutes after the adrenaline rush fades, he realizes that he can’t get down.  (Maybe he gets altitude sickness.)

So far, I’ve let Worm try (try = cry, scream, shake) for an hour before I help him get back down.  Am I going in too soon to help?  Should I give him an extra hour or two to fatigue his legs enough to drop his derriere to the ground?  Or should I stick out my hand and provide a softer landing spot?  (Screw that last idea. I don’t want to chance breaking a finger or even worse, getting my hand pooped on!)

I’ve even channeled my inner dad voice.  “Worm, all you have to do is reverse the steps to go from standing to sitting.  It’s that simple.  Here.  Let me, your wise teacher, show you what to do.  Just stick out your butt like this…”

Dad, Where Do you Want Me To Drag This Barbell To?

No dice there.  Just more crying and shaking.  (When he’s upset, he just doesn’t listen.  He takes after his mother that way.)

Gavin’s been try-ing the standtosit procedure (sounds official, doesn’t it?) for about 2 weeks solid.  Every day the same thing occurs.  I can’t put him down for a nap in his crib and go watch my soaps, without seeing him in the baby monitor two seconds later upright and gripping the bars, inmate style.  He’s afraid to do the standtosit because he can’t bend his knees and control his backward descent to the ground.  (The 3 pictures shown were taken around the house within about 30 minutes of each other.  Guess who had to save him every time he got stuck?)

Ah, such is the relentless toil of this SAHD…saving the same Worm every day, sometimes multiple times a day…

Now that I’m writing this, I think I may have come up with a solution…double diapers!  (Tebow, I’m so incredibly smart that I amaze myself!)  Just like water wings protect baby from drowning in water, double diapers protect baby from falling on land!  Is that a genius idea or what?

I will double up the diapers on Gavin’s bum!  Twice the diapers must halve the impact!  The poor kid was cursed with his daddy’s boney svelte buttocks and could use a little more “junk in the trunk“, especially in this crash and clumsy stage of infancy.  (I know.  You and I are both thinking silicone butt implants would be the best option, but Steph’s been reluctant to let me add any parts to the baby.  I’ve already asked twice.)

Dad, Could You Bring Me a Chair or a Recliner or Something??

Pampers, if you are reading this, you can add one more type to the 40 different diaper types you confuse us men with.  These shall be called Pampers Crash Pads – Protection For Boney Baby Butts.  Make them twice as thick as regular diapers and make us consumers feel like child abusers if we don’t use them during the crawling/walking transition stage.

I can’t wait to try out my brilliant idea!  Maybe I should mock up a prototype and do some testing before trying my design on a real baby.  Nah, too much work.  What’s the worst that could happen?