(Did the gripping title just force you to click through to find out more?  Huh?  Did it? Did it?)

I miss the fresh smell of warm poopie in the morning.  It feels like yesterday that I’d pull those diaper straps down and unfold a lovely brown (or blue, or green, or even mustard) pile of pure aromatic wonderment.  I miss the feel of a ripe turdling through the moist bum wipe cloth.  Oh, and the unanswered questions I’d have for myself after the changeup. “Where’s that smell coming from?  Did I miss a spot?  How did I get dirt under my fingernail when I haven’t been outside?”  Those experiences are almost gone between Worm and I.

As beautiful as it sounds, there is no joy in changing a diaper.  Until your kid is being potty trained.  Then you realize the convenience of that uber-absorbant miracle piece of ingenuity between your baby’s legs.

I was under the impression that potty training was the way to go.  Over two months ago, the wife and I started out by enticing the Worm to use the big toilet by trading toys for turds.  That worked for a few weeks and the novelty wore off.  We moved to the popular M&M method.  Two for pee pees, five for poopies, seven for anything over a foot long.  That also lasted a few weeks.  The training technique that worked for us ended up being the strong arm method.

“Listen up punk!  If you don’t go potty right now, I’m going to squeeze you and shake you until it all falls out.  Capeesh?”

It had a marked influence on Worm’s desire to use the toilet.  A Joe Pesci voice seemed to add additional scare-ability and was the proverbial icing on the cake.  (It gives us a whopping 87% compliance rate.)

Worm hasn’t had an accident for over a month now.

Yeah, he wears diapers at nap time and bed time just in case.  Though, they haven’t been necessary.  Also, Worm’s been so compliant with using the toiled at school, the teachers have recommended that he wear underwear instead of pull-ups.

Life’s good, eh?  Wrong.

We all know that performing (as if it’s like tightrope walking or juggling) number 1 or number 2 requires the body to be in a somewhat relaxed state.  Well, when is Worm relaxed?  Around nap and bed times.  So what does that translate to?

I get woken up at 6:30 am (sometimes earlier) to the pleasant shrill of “HONEYDADDY! I NEED TO GO PEE PEE AND POOPIE!”

Awesome.  There goes my beauty sleep.  The yelling also wakes up Mushie and the dogs.  Now everyone’s up and making noises.

I put Worm down for nap in the afternoon and ninety minutes later, when he should be asleep, I hear “HONEYDADDY!  I NEED TO GO PEE PEE AND POOPIE!”

Awesome.  And then we get to start the nap time routine all over again.

Bedtime comes at 8:30pm.  When he’s finally slowed down enough to lay down in his bed, he suddenly bolts upright from a turtle head poking out.  “HONEYDADDY!  I NEED TO GO PEE PEE AND POOPIE!”

Awesome.  Now he actually falls asleep somewhere between 9:30 and 10pm.  Hooray for potty training.

Right now, I’d trade a couple of diapers for the 3 hours of additional potty effort every day.  When do the benefits of it all start to kick in again?

Oh Glorious Mornings...

Oh Glorious Mornings…

Gavin – 31; Honeydaddy – 20 (The best way to drive one to insanity is to deprive them of sleep.  I’m halfway to the destination.  Thanks Worm!)