…for a few days while we go to my best friend’s wedding.  We are pretty sure we will return for you, for our magic 8-Ball keeps telling us to “most likely” come back.  If something ties us up forever, we made out a will (no, seriously).  I know you may have your heart set on the dogs raising you in case we depart, but legally it can’t be done.  We tried to convince the judge that you two are closer in nature to hairy beasts and would be best raised in a situation (such as in the backyard with the dogs, Frodo and Duncan) where cleanliness and verbal communication were kept to a minimum.  He declined our request.  (That really tipped the scales in favor of us coming back to get you…if the government won’t let our pooches raise you, we will, even if we have to raise from the dead!)

I’ve just got a couple of things to tell you before we drop you off to terrorize play with the grandparents.

Worm, your grandparents are old, especially grandpa.  Your screaming may make my ears bleed, but it may not be enough for pops to hear what you’re saying.  Since he’s too stubborn to get a hearing aid, you may need to grab his ear and yell directly into it (kind of like how you speak to your sister).

Smushie, there is no dog bowl at the GP’s house for you to drink out of.  You may have to hydrate with baby formula instead.  Also, the GP’s don’t have any dog toys for you to chew on.  It may pose a problem, but I’m sure you will find some power cords or old house slippers to bite into.

Worm, I don’t know how you’re going to manage at bedtime.  I think the old folks go to bed before you do.  So if you would kindly tuck them in and sing a song for them, they may fall asleep faster.  Grandma needs to have the TV on to watch in her sleep (I’m not sure how that works), so just turn the volume down on the ‘mote.  Try to put yourself to bed at a reasonable hour, possibly before midnight.

Smushie, there’s a lot to explore in the grandparents’ house.  I suggest wearing a helmet for when you pull the doilies, table runners, and placemats down.  A lot of grandma’s knick knacks are delicate and your head may leave a dent in some of them.  Plus, grandma thinks that she moved all of the decorations to a higher location.  I’m somewhat concerned about this because even though you’re almost two and a half feet tall, you’re almost as tall as she is.

Worm, make sure Smush doesn’t put anything in her mouth that isn’t food.  Also Wormie, don’t push your sister into the walls, doors, floors, toilet, etc., basically don’t push her into anything not resembling a couch.  That’s pretty much all I got.  I want you, Worm, to love the GP’s like you love eating gummy bunnies.  Smushie, I want you to love them like you love…well…you love everything.  So just keep the status quo!

While we’re away from you guys, we’ll be:

  • Sitting down for dinner (without having you and your sister crawling on top of me, grabbing my plate, spitting in my food, putting your hands in my glass of drinking water, or any combination of these things.)
  • Going out to eat and actually enjoying a hot, nice, hot meal (did I mention hot? As in, I’ll get to eat as soon as the food is served? Yay!)
  • Sightseeing (and seeing more than just cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and sprinkler heads on the ground)
  • Waking up to birds chirping (and not to blood-curdling screams from either of you at 6am)
  • Listening to music (rather than the Curious George theme over and over each day)
  • Holding each others hands (instead of holding you, your sister, your bike, your helmet, your wagon, your cup, and your diaper bag all at the same time)

I know it sounds like we’ll be having more fun without you, than with you.  Well….it’s true!

I will miss you two for a while, but then I’ll adapt lots and it will be very strange being without my babies for 3 whole days.  (It’s the longest I’ll have ever been away from you.)  It will be a good test for me before we send you off to boarding school to see what life will be like when you start going to elementary school.  Be good to your grandparents and uncle Faldo, for we will be back to see them again at Christmas!

This is the Cheapest Playpen we found!  U-Haul - $3.  Fits Two Children.

The Cheapest Playpen We Found! U-Haul – $3. Fits Two Children.