Worm, this post is for you.  Your sister doesn’t talk back to me yet and I don’t really want her to model herself later after your current communication style.  Your head’s getting more dense, literally, and unfortunately, figuratively as well.

When I ask you NOT to do something, what I really mean is “Don’t f#*@ing do it!  Or else I’m transferring another dollar out of your college fund and into my rum fund!”  (The return on this fund is better than a treasury bond right now.)  The following responses are unacceptable:

  1. The sideways looking squinty-eyes with half smirk – You look possessed when you do this.  You also remind me of Chucky from the Child’s Play horror flicks.  I know I shouldn’t be afraid of demon children and dolls, but I grew up with those movies and they still haunt my psyche.  If you continue with this, I’ll have to call the exorcist on you…and for good measure, have him release any evil from your stuffed animals and possibly Frodo.  So stop doing it, because you’re freaking me out!
  2. Pretending you don’t hear me –  The doctor checked your ears.  Twice.  And I was standing right there watching the whole time.  You’re not deaf.  You can hear me when I say “gummy bunnies” and “lollipop” so I know you hear me when I tell you to stop jabbing the coffee table with your fork.  Maybe you’ll hear me better if I say “Don’t gummy put bunnies play-doh lollipops in doughnuts Sissy’s seaweed mouth!”  (Yes, Worm loves to eat seaweed.)  Maybe I’ll pretend that I don’t hear you when we’re at the toy store and you’re asking me for more Tow Mater toys and a new bicycle.
  3. “Nonono!” – This is my least favorite reply.  What’s worse is when you wag your finger at me like I’m the bad little boy and you’re the grownup.  What’s crazy is that neither I, nor your mom taught you to do this.  What’s even more crazy is that your delivery is so convincing and assertive that for a split second, I DO feel like I’m the one that did something wrong and I SHOULD be scolded!

It’s still makes me cringe when I hear it…hence the reason why I don’t say it to you.   Lucky for me, your nonono is seldom said.   Seriously though Worm (in my stern dad voice), you’ve got to start listening to me more often, and not just when I tell you that we’re going to the playground.  But, for more important things, like “Don’t run out into the street!”, “Stay away from that ledge!” or “Get me a beer from the fridge!”  Listening to me when I make one of those statements may one day save your life!

(Imagine a situation where I’m ready to ‘tan your hide’ and you bringing me a beer…instantly, the world is at peace and your butt avoids seeing the light of day.  Listening to me pays off, see?)

Attaboy! That's More Like It, Worm!

Attaboy! That’s More Like It, Worm!

Gavin – 27; Honeydaddy – 16 (This one bugs me.  But, if I don’t find some more effective techniques, it has the potential to spiral out of control…Worm, I do have some valuable things to say, I REALLY DO!)