I got off the phone with mom and dad earlier.  And both of them agree with my wife that Worm should be in daycare more than once a week.

The three of them just don’t see what I see.  In our conversation, I just couldn’t get through to them that school (daycare, in our case) isn’t as good an idea that they think it is.  And more education is not the answer!  (Does saying that make me a Republican?)

Worm and I have a good thing going.  He loves to be with me when Trotro is not on TV and I love to be with him unless I’m Facebooking.  I’m a shark and he’s my pilot fish.  We need each other.  And if he’s away from me for too long, the parasites of boredom will come nibble at my body until I disappear into oblivion.  He keeps me from having my own life nothing to do!

I’ve heard it before that kids are like sponges.  Their tiny brains are making tens of thousands of connections daily.  More stimulation is better.  Social activities build character.  Blah, blah, blah.  I’ve no doubt that my son has a microprocessor of a brain.  He gets a lot of stuff already that I never thought he would understand at the young age of 2.45.  I never needed to explain to him that there weren’t any real people inside the TV, or that nothing has been proven to be faster than the speed of light.  He just seemed to understand.

So, I ask the question.  What’s there for him to learn at school?  Practically nothing, if you ask me.  School is a germ infested Petri dish of a soon-to-be reality show where viewers will gain weekly chuckles from watching toddlers doing dumb things like cutting each others ears off with scissors, or playing “Who can poop a pencil eraser”.  Every child that makes it through the day will have the chance to vote someone else off the playground.   And the last surviving cast member will get a lifetime (which will be shortened substantially by any one) of free soft drinks, cotton candy, and Ginsu knives.  I’m digressing, aren’t I?

Well, without further ado…here are 5 reasons why me, a professional SAHD, would rather my son learn from me than go to daycare/school:

  1. Communicable diseases – Sure, he’s licked everything in our house except for the dogs’ butts.  But these are germs that he knows and loves!  His body has accepted our microbial housemates.  At school, Worm could potentially lick other people’s dogs’ butts (indirectly, of course) and that could get him sick.  Besides, it’s gross.  It’s a fact that he can stay healthier here at home with me.
  2. Potentially dangerous toys – At home, I’ve analysed and spreadsheet-ed all the toys we own and provided a realistic probability chart of toy hazards, such as choke (eat), projectile (throw), drop on limb (gravity), and whether or not said toy poses a threat when laying on the ground (for example: jacks and ninja shuriken).  I’ve calculated that we’ve ruled out 99.5% danger using my algorithm.  The potential for harm at school is exponentially larger.  What if Worm sits on a hypodermic needle or falls from the ceiling fan?  School’s dangerous (hence, it’s why we don’t own a ceiling fan, either).
  3. Education – I’m smarter than two-thirds of the toddlers at Worm’s daycare.  (A strong assumption.)  What’s he going to learn from a child that can’t even complete a sentence.  Nothing!  So, if I want the best education for Worm, it’s going to be here with me.  We do ABCD’s every day…What do they do every day?  Paint?  That’s not learning anything except ‘How to make a mess and have someone else clean it up!’
  4. Peer pressure – I peer pressure Worm in positive ways.  (I get on my knees to talk to him.  The term ‘peer’ is more about making yourself look about the same size, not about actually being the same age.  It’s a common misconception.)  I get Worm to do things that are good for him.  I dare him to eat 20 pieces of broccoli as fast as he can and funnel a 12oz. of carrot juice.  At school, I’m sure his buddies will try to make my little boy do things like pull his pants down and pee in a corner, or convince him to put rocks in some poor girl’s mattress before nap time.  No one wins at school.  But everyone wins at home…
  5. Cool factor – What’s more rad than saying that you hung out with your dad…all…day…long?  Nothing that I can think of.  Well, maybe quantifying the forces of subatomic particles.  But after that, nothing.

So you see mom, dad, and wifie?  Those are some pretty convincing arguments against Worm doing more daycare.  The superior solution is more Honeydaddy time!  Just remember, he loves it just as much as I do!  And if he doesn’t love it, I just force him to!  School is very last century technology…

I'm Teaching You About Life, Worm.  Life!

I’m Teaching You About Life, Worm. Life!

Gavin – 27; Honeydaddy – 17 (If there’s one thing I can really teach you, Wormie…it’s to love, and be loved.)