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Hypothetically Famous…

May 4, 2012 //
3

I have recently had the opportunity to interview for a TV series that is going to be based on stay-at-home dads.  Since I have a burning desire to walk the red carpet and have people pay me to wear clothes, I decided to try out.  What the heck, right?  What’s the worst that could happen?  One problem is that Gavin may not want to be on TV.  At this age, he has no say.  (We vote on things all the time, but he never asks any questions or says ‘Aye‘ or ‘Nay’.  So, 85% of the time, I win!)  How do I know what Worm wants?  Does he want everyone in the universe to see what he’s doing and how he’s growing up?  Does he want to be famous?

I thought about all of the great things that could happen if we were on TV:

  • My friends and family could watch us every single day on TV.
  • Gavin could become a reality TV star.
  • It would take my blog to another level.
  • I could get paid for changing diapers and brushing baby teeth.  (Gavin would get paid in jujube’s and jellybeans.)
  • I could eventually have my own talk show!
Then, I thought about all of the bad things that could happen if I was on TV:
  • My friends and family could watch me every single day on TV.
  • I wouldn’t be able to see myself on TV because I don’t have cable.
  • We would have to watch everything we say and do in public.
  • We could get negative press from the media.
  • We could be stalked by the paparazzi.
  • We could end up like the Kardashians.

Things I learned that day:

  • It takes 4 hours to get to L.A. (from San Diego) on a weekday morning.
  • It takes 1 hr and 50 minutes to get home from L.A. (to San Diego) on a weekday at lunch time.
  • I can’t drive more than 2 hours without having to pee.
  • 50 minutes of my camera interview will be condensed into 2-3 minutes.  Therefore, 95% of what I say is worthless.  (Have they been talking to my wife?)
  • There’s a lot of if’s in show business.

Stay tuned.  If I know something, you’ll know something.  If you’ve got any thoughts, feel free to comment!

We’re Just a Couple of Character Actors!!!

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Categories MVG Oddities

Guess Zoo Got Their Annual Passes?

May 2, 2012 //
1

We did!  Our world-famous San Diego Zoo passes arrived in the mail, so off we went to see the animals today!

Boy, did we miss the zoo!  (Ok, I missed the zoo.  Worm can’t tell the difference between stuffed and live animals yet.)

Today was the perfect day to visit the zoo.  It was cool and overcast outside and you know what that means?  If you get to the zoo early enough, you can see the creatures out and about doing their thing (i.e. stretching their legs, eating breakfast, reading the paper).  We got to see them up close and personal doing their morning routine!

Since the San Diego Zoo is so large and the time between Gavin naps is so small, we can’t tackle the entire park in one shot.  So, we choose where we want to go the democratic way! By a show of hands, who wants to see the leopards? My hand goes up ecstatically.  By a show of hands, any oppose?  Worm is picking at the Vel-cro on his shoes, which, incidentally, negates all voting privileges!  Hooray!  We are going to see the leopards!

I’ve got about 90 minutes to find the leopards, see everything else along the way, and get back to Eleanor (my faithful Land Cruiser).

As we pass through the zoo, I see: capybara, kopje, elephants, rattlesnakes, condors, zebra, giraffe, secretary birds, peacocks, flamingos, leopards, wow!

As we pass through the zoo, Worm sees: something furry, zooworker sweeping up trash, something furry, metal sign, something huge and not-so-furry, cable railing, something slithery, sprinkler head, something feathery, a baby, something stripy and not-so-furry, a tour bus wheel, something super tall and not-so-furry, a zooworker equipment truck, a zooworker pushing a large trash bin, a machine that presses pennies into zoo pictures, silicone sealant between two pieces of glass, wow!

It’s amazing how two people can go to the same place and see it so differently, eh?

 

How do I explain to Worm that you can see things like sprinkler heads, babies and tour bus wheels outside of the zoo?  Instead of going to the zoo, we could have just taken public transportation through downtown San Diego.  He probably would have been more interested…

Maybe next time, I’ll drop him off at the bus stop with an all day transfer pass and I’ll go to the zoo!

The San Diego zoo is awesome! There’s so much to see!

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Categories Play

Songs From the Shower – The Poo Incident

May 1, 2012 //
0

It’s one of those days,

A busy-ness haze.

There’s no time to rest!

There’s no time to graze!

—–

It’s quarter to nine.

And not normally when

The Worm gets his nap,

Which is around 10.

—–

Dinner last night has

Won over my gut.

It’s making some noise

To get out.  Now what?

—–

Worm can’t be left un-

watched in the abode.

I’ve gotta go bad,

Or else I’ll explode!

—–

My only option

Is for Worm to view

His dad on the can.

How awkward! Pee Yew!

—–

I hope that Worm is

Not scarred yet again.

By watching me do

Something quite un-zen.

—–

Worm, forgive me for

Forcing you to be

Locked in the bathroom

With my poo and me!

Look, Maybe You Shouldn't Bring Me in The Bathroom With You Next Time. Ok?

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Categories Random Thoughts

It’s Been a Year, So What Has He Done With His Life?

April 30, 2012 //
2

I need to document these times in Worm’s life now, so that (in a few years) when my memory fades, I can look back at my blog and refresh the brain cells on the things he was doing at each year of his growth.  I can entertain him years from now with the truth commingled with a little bit of fiction while he’s wiping drool off my face and changing my diapers at the ‘home’.

The first year of development has a list of milestones that should be achieved.  Of course, each chart varies on what milestones should be completed at each age category.  But, I choose the chart that stresses me out the most and makes me worry that the Worm is below average.

Please take into account that we asked the stork to deliver us an athlete that would support us financially into our golden years.  We also made it clear that we would give up brains for athletic prowess, since career-wise, it pays more.

Here goes:

Milestones completed up to 1-year-old  —

  • Drinks from sippy cup
  • Feeds himself
  • Poops himself  (I wish he would start changing his own diapers…)
  • Recognizes and responds to his names (Love, Lovie, Worm, Wormie, Dude, Babe, Bug, Bubba, Honey Bun, and occasionally Gavin)
  • Uses utensils to eat (Uses fork, spoon, and the ever handy spork.)
  • Uses short straws to drink (and to make music)
  • Claps hands (He’s ready for the circus.)
  • Crawls insanely fast (Christmas day was the first day he crawled.)
  • Stands up from sitting position without holding on to anything
  • Climbs (He can climb onto the coffee table, couch, and roof.  Ok, I help him climb onto the roof.)
  • Supports body weight on two hands (Remember doing ‘wheelbarrow’ with your friends as a kid?  Worm does this all the time!)
  • Visually tracks objects moving at moderate speeds
  • Searches for things where they were last seen (Some object permanence as well.)
  • Recognizes household objects by name (He can point out about 15 or so things in the house when I say the word.)
  • Recognizes body parts by name (Ocular Orbit, Nasal cartilage, Auricle, Oral cavity…you know.  Easy stuff.)
  • Mimics actions of mom and dad (such as lifting weights, clapping, pointing, some sign language)
  • Performs sign language (about 10 or so signs.  Thanks Alex and Leah!)
  • Turns book pages (80% of the time he reads books from left to right.)
  • Fears some strangers (the stranger, the more fearful)
  • Can pincher grasp a straw from one end and locate the other end into correct opening (wickedly good hand-eye coordination with either hand. Hallelujah!)
  • Places objects into container (We’ve got to nurture this milestone…)
  • Can locate source of sounds and find us when we call him from another room (He’s almost as good as the dogs at this!)
  • Stretches arms and legs out to get dressed (Keeps me from having to use the tazer during changing time.)
  • Gets frustrated when he can’t: do something, get something, or lift something.  (That’s a milestone?)
  • Plays ‘Give’ and ‘Take’ with objects
  • Mimics talking on the cell phone (I wonder where he picked that skill up from??)
  • Bobs up and down to music (He’s got that rhythm!)
  • Opens and closes cabinet doors (and conveniently tosses stuff out of them)
  • Flips off lights (has a hard time flipping the switch on, though)
  • Pokes everything with his index finger (sometimes even his nose)

Milestones NOT completed at 1-year-old —

  • Doesn’t say any real words (like angioplasty, perpendicular, ostensibly…)
  • Doesn’t shake head no (but then we really don’t say no to him a lot.  We try to redirect his attention to something more parent-happy.)
  • Doesn’t roll a ball back to me (It’s hard to play together when one of us doesn’t comply…and I’m not naming names.)
  • Doesn’t wave hi or bye (but he gives a good ‘Where the hell are you going?’ look)
  • Doesn’t imitate words we say to him (He only babbles in his own language that only the dogs understand.)
  • Doesn’t play pat-a-cake (Isn’t that a girl’s game anyhow?)

Worm, you’re doing great!  Your mother and I are very proud of you!

I think I’m somewhere under the bell curve of fatherhood, don’t you think?  And as an extra little pat on my own back, I’ll just sneak in a point for me!

Gavin – 11; Daddy – 6

Gimme a Hi Five Dad!

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Categories Education

The Jealous Worm

April 26, 2012 //
0

The Worm has jealousy in his little body.  The new emotion must have wired itself into his brain last night.  Because today he wants to be the object of my affection…but only when Duncan and I are having our Daddy-Dunkie time.  And if I don’t respond to Worm immediately, I am made to suffer some ear-splitting and slimy consequences.  (Can you say spoiled attachment parenting?)

Back in the day (or 8 months ago), Worm was easy to care for:  feed, change, sleep, and occasionally bathe.  No talking back, no temper tantrums, no whining.  He’d just lay back and enjoy the view from whatever surface we’d Velcro his onesie to.  Those days are gone.  He’s heavily interacting with the environment now and picking up new tricks everywhere.  (It seems his brain is developing so quickly that I swear he’s figured out how to work his baby mind meld on me, even through my force shield!)  Where else would he learn about the world, but by watching his furry brothers!

Duncan and Frodo are Worm’s older siblings.  It’s only natural that he thinks he’s a dog too.  (Maybe I could fatten him up by feeding him from the dog bowl…hmm.)  And as the youngest one in the family, he picks up some habits and tricks from his hairy bros.  The best trick Worm has learned is growling.  (It’s useful for when I’m at the supermarket and people want to hold Gavin.  I make him growl and let the would-be-handler know that he hasn’t had his shots yet.)  The worst trick is the jealous whining.  (Thanks Duncan.)  Worm’s realized that whining lands you in the lap and affections of daddy.  In our house, the squeaky wheel gets a lot of grease!

60% of the Time, It Works Every Time!

Since my type-A personality has me multitasking on just about everything, I also try to multitask family fun time.  (Do you see anything wrong with that?)  100% utilization of my arms is important to maximizing my distribution of entertainment to the family.  For instance, during play time I’ll try to distract Worm in his play area for about 10 minutes with one hand.  With the other hand, I’ll pet Duncan.  Or, I’ll play tug-of-war with Duncan on one arm, while holding Worm in the other.  (I’ll need to get fitted with a third arm when the next child comes.)  If I wiggle my arms just right, there’s amusement for the entire family.

But, the second Worm feels like Duncan is getting more attention than he, out comes the jealous fits!

If I don’t answer the call of the little wildman, the volume increases and the tears fall freely.  Only after I’ve transfixed my full attention on Gavin, do the sprinklers stop.

Just wait until we decide to have another kid, Worm.  Your world (and mine) will completely shatter unless I can figure out how to keep everyone happy!  (Maybe cloning myself will become an option by then.)

Gavin – 11; Daddy – 5

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Categories Play

One Million Moms Forcing Their Values On America…Again

April 20, 2012 //
0

One Million Ignorant Moms is in the news again.  (Please don’t think that once you’re a mom that you are automatically inducted.  You have to love God and hate everything else to become a member.  I digress.)  This time they’ve got a problem with Urban Outfitters.  (UO is also great at making headlines.  See ‘Navajo Nation Sues Urban Outfitters‘ for one example.)  A few days ago, UO sent out their April 2012 catalog featuring their new line of clothing.  (If you’re reading my blog, you’re probably too old and unhip to wear their stuff.  Do people even say ‘hip’ anymore?)  On the second page of the catalog is *gasp* an image of two very nice pairs of shoes…attached to two very liplocked girls.

To prevent straight females everywhere from seeing this horrid act and subsequently catching “the gayness“, OMM is boycotting UO and telling their members to burn the catalog (along with any other non-Christian holy books they’ve got).  The members have been told to wash their eyes with soap and water in case they have seen the page (or in their terms, ‘filth’) in person.  (Don’t worry, seeing the ‘filth’ on the fancy interwebthing isn’t the same thing and does NOT require cleansing of the eyes.)  Confession stands have been open this week, 24 hours a day for all, including those that have even thought about the shameless Urban Outfitter image.

Apparently in our country, there are one million moms that are full of ignorance and hatred (powered by fear).  If OMM keeps fighting every clothing company that they have a problem with, they’ll soon be walking around naked.  And personally, I don’t want to see one million angry moms walking around in the buff burning things in effigy and castigating every living being (in the name of God).

The first thought that came to mind when I read the story was that OMM was probably backed by some radical fearful alienating Christian organization.  (They sounded so ignorant, it had to be related to blind religion.  Blind religion is not to be confused with real religion, where we are supposed to love and support each other regardless of different beliefs.)  So, I dug a little deeper and bingo.  I found it.  The American Family Association is the group that oversees OMM.  They’re an organization that will “communicate an outspoken, resolute, Christian voice throughout America.”  And their mission?  It’s to “inform, equip, and activate individuals to strengthen the moral foundations of American culture, and give aid to the church here and abroad in its task of fulfilling the Great Commission.”

I’ve got no problem with organized religion, just organized asininity.  (Yes, it’s a word.)  Couldn’t OMM spend more time worrying about teaching their own family values to themselves instead of pressing them on other people?  They should stop worrying about saving the rest of us.  We’re too busy trying to remove fear from our hearts and make the world a better place for EVERYBODY.

Anyhow, I asked One Million Dads (in my brain) how they felt about the UO image and here are the responses I got:

  • 56% – “I should have ordered two copies!”
  • 20% – “What does Urban mean?”
  • 18% – “Are you sure those aren’t boys with wigs?”
  • 5% – “Is it only women that can contract “the gayness” from seeing this picture, or can men get it too?”
  • 1% – “We don’t hate girls kissing girls.  We hate lesbians kissing lesbians.”

I’m thinking about starting a group called “I Really Don’t Think God Gives A Shit if Girls Kiss Girls As Long As They’re Not Killing Anyone”…anyone want to join?

If you catch "the gayness" from seeing this image, MVG is truly sorry.

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Categories News

Fatten Him Up You Crunchy Hippies!

April 17, 2012 //
1

Here’s the skinny.  It’s Worm.

We had our 1 year checkup with the pediatrician.  She breaks out her measuring sticks to size up our future NBA all-star.  (We’re making him sleep with a couple of basketballs to get him dreaming about the game.  It’s called mental preparation.)  Then she punches the stats into her machine (sometimes called a computer) and out comes a chart.  It shows us that our baby is less than 30% in the weight category for his age.  (Hello?  Have you seen ‘dat baby’ daddy?)  Apparently, skinny babies are not in vogue.  We get lectured.

“What types of foods are you feeding him?”

“You know.  Formula, fruits, veggies, rice, quinoa, potatoes, chicken, etc.  We try to feed him healthy stuff.  Organic, if possible.”

The doctor’s brain hears the words “healthy” and “organic” and instantly translates our words to something more like “We are vegetarians and we only feed our kid grass-fed wheatgrass and imported kale chips.  And occasionally, granola.”

WTF?

We try to abate the doctor’s fears of our child abuse by letting her know that our child is extremely active.  When awake, he doesn’t stop crawling, playing, or moving.  The blank stare she returns lets me know her brain didn’t register a thing I said.  Then she starts in.

“You should be feeding him high calorie foods, like whole milk, butter, cheese, cream cheese, regular yogurt.  You know, things like that. No low-fat food.”

“Sounds great!  From what you’re saying, most of his calories should be from milk products.  We’re going to cut out the middle man and just buy a cow for Worm.  (That’s what Indians do, right?)  It’s probably the best way to get him fat enough to be ‘in the 50th percentile’.  There doesn’t seem to be any downside to loading up on dairy!”  (Ok, I didn’t say that to her, I just nodded and smiled.)

In my brain, I translate the rest of her ‘blah, blah, blah…’ to “Listen you damn new age hippies.  The fact that you even question vaccines for your baby means that you’re crazier than Mel Gibson.  Can’t you see that you’re the problem with society?  If you don’t feed your baby tons of cow products, then we can’t sustain the beef and milk industry, the pharmaceutical industry (bovine antibiotics and hormones) will go out of business, the price of beef will skyrocket, and I’ll never see a 99 cent cheeseburger again.  So stop smoking the weed, sniffing the tie-dye, and dancing naked during the full moons.  Get your kid fattened up or else….

And to make sure he puts on weight, I’m scheduling a weigh-in for Gavin in 6 weeks.”

To Be Continued…

What About the Milk Chocolate, Dad?

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Categories Food
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