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#2, Now That We’re Getting Friendly, Can I Give You a Nickname?

November 15, 2012 //
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We just had our 30 week ultrasound and we are excited!  There’s a little girl in mommy’s belly (and coincidentally, Worm tells us he has a baby in his belly, as well) and she’s doing great.  According to the statistics, her head is normal size (50th percentile) and more oval-shaped than round (a good thing for women birthing the boring way), her arms and legs are freakishly long (95th percentile), and she’s rocking a mini-mohawk (8th percentile).  The bubbling cauldron of ultrasound images stirred up by my distorted mind form a baby as tall as Worm with blue-dyed hair and piercings.  So indelible is the vision, that anything other coming down the chute and “Oh, I don’t think that one is ours.” may be my insert-foot-in-mouth response to the doctors holding her up for me to see.

I love her already, curved barbells and all.  For the past 8 months that I’ve been bearing the wife’s empathetic baby weight, the nausea, the tiredness, the dancing on my bladder and ovaries, my baby girl and I have bonded as only an emotionally unstable gifted and caring father and daughter would.  And yesterday after the ultrasound, I had a fatherly revelation of sorts (this time it wasn’t one of the many that come after “Shit, I probably shouldn’t have done that.”).  #2 now has a nickname to one day despise, like when she’s walking across the stage to pick up her college degree and mom and I are in the audience screaming it out at the top of our lungs and the crowd is erupting with laughter and jeers…We will tell her afterwards that she should be grateful that we didn’t nickname her “bubby wubby pants”.

The pet name of the newest member of the family will heretoforth move from “#2” to “Smush”.  As of this day, 2012, Thursday (I think) November 15th, I now pronounce you husb…I now christen thee Smush, mother of none, daughter of dad, sister of Worm, and the female-version of the master of the Universe!

From today until eternity (or until Steph the Supreme Commander says otherwise), you shall be the Smush.

Other nicknames in the running, but ultimately NOT chosen:

  • Wormette
  • Slug
  • the Cuddly Wuddly Wompa Monster
  • Cutiest Patootiest Lovie Bear Sweetsie Muffin Dandy Candy Pansie Rose Petal…I couldn’t even type that without vomiting…twice.
  • Chainsaw Massacre slasher chick

When you look at the ultrasound pics below, think Empire Strikes Back “Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite” scene.  Ah, you can see Smush’s face now, can’t you?

With Nose, Lips, and Chin Pushed Up Against the Womb, What Other Nickname Would She Have?

 

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Categories Random Thoughts

The 1.5 Year Old Milestone Mark For Worm

October 13, 2012 //
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Worm is 18 months old.  We’ve kept him alive thus far and cheerfully pat ourselves on the back.  His incredibly resilient body took a lot of abuse and punishment from my inane innate parenting skills.  I look at my fathering style as a healthy blend of unintentional tomfoolery and collegiate style hazing.  “Worm, if you can make it through my method of parenting, you can join us in this club we call manhood!”

I never get anything right the first time.  I shouldn’t feel bad when I screw up the experiment Worm.  That’s why we’re having more than one kid!  One doesn’t just hop into a car for the first time and know how to drive it, right?  I’m sure the third child will be perfect!

Barring the fact that Worm really didn’t start walking much until almost 17 months and really didn’t start talking until about 2 weeks ago, he still made the cut off.  Whew!  With much surprise, we’ve made it through a large list of the 18-month milestones.  Since you can find those boring milestones elsewhere on the web, I haven’t included them here.

You’re Better off as a Back Seat Driver, Worm. We’ll Revisit This When You’re Old Enough to Reach the Gas Pedal…

This is a list of Worm’s latest been-there-done-thats:

  • Tells the dogs “Shut up!” when they’re being loud.  (Or “Sha daa!”  Already picking up our bad habits…)
  • Goes in a closet or corner to potty.  (Good thing he has his diaper on.  It’s heredity.  His father has tried to go out on a balcony to pee…)
  • Plays hide and seek. (He can be eerily still and quiet for this game…good skill to have for NINJA training!)
  • He closes the hallway closet doors every time he walks past and they’re cracked.  (OCD?  Is he going to be the next Howard Hughes?)
  • He Swiffers everything.  His desire to clean is impressive.   (Couch, coffee table, dog beds, etc.  I’m going to build a stool so he can start doing dishes.  More OCD?)
  • If he shreds paper and makes a mess, he picks each piece up to throw away.  (One day, I’ll be able to get him to clean up my mess.  Even more OCD?)
  • He can open a twist-off lid (…and feed the dogs)
  • He puts his fists up to his eyes and fake cries (Thanks Grandma for teaching him this.)
  • When you ask him where poop comes from, he points to his butt cheeks and goes “Ick!” (Thanks again Grandma!  This is going to be useful when figuring out which body part goes on the toilet seat.)
  • Says “Dada” to me  (…and random men in public.)
  • Brushes his teeth (…after he sucks all the toothpaste off the brush.)
  • Feeds himself with a spoon (…and the dogs too.)
  • He sees and points out things that are out-of-place.  (Why is that piece of grass on the sidewalk?  And he puts it back on the lawn.)
  • He points out all of his body parts (…and always double checks that his wee-wee is attached.)
  • He knows pretty much everything in the house (…he just doesn’t vocalize it.  Chicks dig a man of few words.  He’s on it already!)
  • And speaking of that, he stares at the pretty girls wherever we go.  (Right now, it’s the long creepy stare, But at least he’s got good taste in women!)
  • Can survive on grapes and juice for days. (Seriously?  He’s got supermodel tendencies.  All he needs to learn is the “Blue Steel” face.  That milestone’s at least a couple of months away.)

Stats on the Worm:

– 34″ tall

– 22 lb 2 oz

– 1″ vertical jump

– ∞ 40-yard dash  (He can’t run for more than a few feet before stopping to pick up some flower or bug on the ground.)

 

 

 

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Categories Education

Worm, I Thought You Were Sick…

October 3, 2012 //
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Worm caught a cold on Saturday.  By the wee hours of Sunday morning, someone was having trouble sleeping because the little vermin was squirming and coughing.  (It’s ok to feel sorry for me not getting my beauty sleep.  It’s how I keep that youthful glow!)  When the Worm began crying miserably, Steph went into the baby room to try and soothe the savage.  Feeling heroic, I bounced out of bed to see how I could save the day.  (OK, I was forced to remove the pillow from over my head and get my ass and other parts of the body up ASAP.  Sergeant’s orders…)

So at 3am, the whole family was awake and suffering.  2/3 of us were crying.  On the outside, Worm was crying from the fever and body aches.  On the inside, I was crying from the stink eye that Steph gave to “encourage” my cooperation!

We spent the better part of Sunday caring for the virus incubator poor baby and teaching him to blow snot bubbles.  The great thing about children is that colds and flu usually pass through them swiftly.  There’s no conscious mind telling them that bills need to get paid, car needs to go to the mechanic, work projects need to get done this week, etc.  They’re free to hear their bodies’ request for nature’s best remedy, Otter pops and rest.

Sunday night, a more comfortable respite found the Worm.  In fact, it must have been awesome sleep because on Monday the little guy decided to do house chores!  (I swear this was all unprovoked.  If I had a hand in it, he would have been out washing the car or cutting the lawn.  But hey, I’ll take any help I can get!)

First, he tackled the laundry.

You See Worm, Pink and Lavender Laundry Balls Entice Women To Do Laundry.  The Soft Colors Are Attractive to Females. It’s Subliminal.

Then he decided that the dogs needed to be fed…again.  (Note to self:  Son has figured out twist-top containers.)

Worm, I’m Not Sure Duncan Needs More Food This Morning…

And then he decided that he didn’t want to live in a pig sty (like my dad used to say to me, ha ha), so he Swiffer-ed the carpets…and the coffee table…and the couch.

Worm, You Missed a Spot…Like the Entire Kitchen Floor!

And if that wasn’t enough to show daddy that he was independent and could now get his own apartment, he changed his own diaper.

Worm, If You’re Going To Take Off the Dirty Diaper, You May Want To Put a CLEAN ONE ON!

Almost!

If Worm does housework every time he gets sick, I think we may be able to get free monthly housekeeping.  All I need are a few germs and a couple of Petri dishes…

Gavin – 17; Dad – 7 (I gladly give you two points every time you do chores!  Shoot, I’ll give you 5 points for every blog you post too!)

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Categories Play

Bye Bye Hollywood Heartthrob, Hello Lab Rat

September 10, 2012 //
5

We’ve given up on show business (for now).  Hollywood is a tough act to crack into and we’ve faced rejection one too many times.  (It  was just one time.  We have fragile egos to mend!) So, I’ve been looking for other ways to exploit showcase the Worm and his burgeoning talents.

Enter the Infant Development Study!  This study is currently being held in San Diego (California), Montreal (Canada, not Wisconsin), and Geneva (Switzerland, not Illinois).  If you live near any one of these cities and wish to participate, click the link above or at the bottom of the page.

The IDS has now added my son, Gavin, aka #6.022 x 10^23, into their child development program where he will be tested in the area of language development every 6 months until he turns 4 years old and is ready for school.

Coffee and creampuffs now! Otherwise, it’s too early for this crap!

Of course, I saw right through the smoke and mirrors and wittingly uncovered a baby IQ test!  My anxiety shot through the roof as I wondered:  Is Worm learning at a normal rate?  Is he below average?  Why does he grunt so much?  What if his intelligence score is too low?  Am I talking to him enough?  Do I E-NUN-CI-ATE or do I mumble?  Is that why he can’t understand English?  Is social services going to take away my little ape man because I haven’t taught him enough words?  Am I a roadblock to his learning capability?

When I arrived at the Child Development Lab at the San Diego State University, I was mesmerized by the toys and bright colors of the room and my anxiety quickly subsided.  Worm was working the ‘ignorance is bliss’ angle.  He had no idea what was going on, save for the fact that there were pretty women surrounding and smiling at him.  We both looked at each other and knew that the only way things could get better was if they had Goonies on the TV and let us put our feet on the couch.

The main test had Worm sitting on my lap in front of a touch screen computer (which he doesn’t have at home).  He was shown two objects and was told to “Touch the ….”.  If he touched the correct object, the screen would repeat the word and move on to the next two pictured objects.  If he touched the incorrect object, his parent would get an electric charge (akin to that of a wet tongue on a 9V battery) from the chair.  By the end of the testing, the room smelled like fried porkskin and I lost some butt hair.  (Ok, the last part wasn’t real.  But, if these were the consequences, how many more parents do you think would become involved in their child’s education?)

The experiment study didn’t take Worm away from me (even though the whole time he forgot I was in the room with him), stick him in a cage with chimps, or give him an opportunity to go home with new parents.  I asked if there was a pill that could expand Worm’s brain function like in the movie Limitless, but they looked at me as if I should stop procreating before I pass on my stupidity.  (It’s too late!  We’ve got another baby on the way!)

Gators! I love the Gators! They’re all over my bedroom wall!

All in all, it was a great experience and the team that worked with Worm was warm and friendly.  On top of letting us hang out for an hour, they gave Worm a Target gift card for $25 and I got a cool squeaky wind-up racecar!  Worm chewed on his gift card and I played with my new racecar for the entire drive home!  (Can you say, awesome!)

The study is looking for more parents with kids between 14 and 17 months old.  Every visit takes about 60 minutes (90 minutes if your kid is a PITA) and you get something for your time and participation.  Visits to the lab are only every 6 months, so it’s not a huge time commitment.  But, the overall benefit of participation is in helping the study of infant language development all over the world.

Here are some links to get you started:

San Diego State University Infant and Child Development Laboratory

University of California San Diego Cognitive Development Laboratory

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Categories Education

Whoa, That Totally Looks Like the Worm…But, It Isn’t!

July 12, 2012 //
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Hi Everyone! I Can’t Wait To Wreak Havoc and Chaos On My Older Brother, the Worm! I May Be Small, But I’m Feisty!

We’re multiplying!!!  This is what happens when we accidentally come in contact with alcohol water.  (Guess the movie reference?)

He or she is affectionately called #2.  (Not like Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo)  I know it’s unoriginal, but I don’t have time to come up with a cool name.  I’m way too busy right now.  (These words will come back to haunt me…)  Besides, #2 has plenty of time to be christened with an embarrassing name that he will despise for the rest of his life.

I’m very excited for this new baby.  Because now we have something to compare it to.  Before Gavin, we had no idea what our combined genes would spawn from Steph’s body.  It could have been an alien with 3 heads and tentacles.  Instead, we got the warm, wiggly, wonderful Worm!

After Worm was born, I seriously thought I would have this parenting thing figured out before the second baby.  Translation:  I was willing to subject our first child to unorthodox baby experiments in order to perfect my parenting techniques for later progeny.  But, I realize that I still don’t know what I’m doing.  I need a larger sample and more data.  Therefore, I have convinced myself that I must (in the interest of science) subject both Worm and #2 to more stick poking, cattle prodding, and laboratory testing.  But, I swear I’ll have parenting figured out by the third child…if the first two don’t drive us to tie our tubes first!

Here are 5 things that I’ll soon be able to say:

  1. This doesn’t add up.  How do two kids equals three times the work?
  2. Man, I change diapers so much that I even dream about it…
  3. Kids, the direct way to my heart is through laundry, vacuuming, and chores.  I can’t help it, it’s just the way my body is wired for affection.
  4. Children, only 40 more laps around the playground and we’ll go home…I promise.
  5. Where did my spare time go?

 

#2, give mommy a break and stop punching her uterus!  We watched you do it on the sonogram!

I know you want to get out and party with us, but you’ve got a little more cooking to do.  Daddy wants you to come out a little more well-done than your brother…

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It’s So Sweet, We Share Even the Littlest Things!

July 2, 2012 //
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Kids are drawn towards everything.  They are like sponges, absorbing the delights of the world.  Sensory inputs capture sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and germs.  Especially germs.

Last week, Worm caught his first cold.  Yes, he’s 15 months old and this is the boy’s first communicable disease.  He received his initiation into the human disease network with a 102.5 degree fever for the first 3 days.  Phlegm has been leaking from his nose ever since…and today marks 14 days after the onset.  (Luckily humans are designed so that water boogers from the nose can be easily captured by the open mouth, effectively recycling fluids while reducing mess.)

I couldn’t tell how bad Worm was feeling because of his one word vocabulary.  (I can interpret “Ah!” only so many different ways.)  But after Worm used my shirt and face as his personal hankie, I caught the germ and found out how miserable he truly was.  Fever, headache, stomach aches, lethargy and muscle cramps.  This shared experience between us royally sucked.

Paging Dr. Worm, paging Dr. Worm. Your Assistance is Needed On The Couch!

And it’s still sucking…

Misery loves company, doesn’t it?  Worm, there are some things you just shouldn’t share with your friends.

Gavin – 14; Dad – 7

Dad, For You To Get Better, I Prescribe Ten Worm Hugs a Day!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Say What? I Can’t Hear You. I Must Be Going Deaf…

June 26, 2012 //
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Worm’s not talking yet, but he’s a babbling brook of ooh’s and ah’s.  I find those sounds so adorable and easily some of the sweetest sounds to wet my ears.  (Geez, I’m starting to sound like a hormonally charged woman…see what stay-at-home daddyhood does to a man?  It rips off the hair from your chest and gently caresses you with it until you’re a sensitive, sobbing mess.)

When Worm serenades us with cooing songs, I can’t help but grab him and squeeze him and tell him I love him (less than Frodo and Duncan, but not by much).  It’s when he switches from cooing to bloodcurdling scream is when I want to just grab him and squeeze him.

I always thought that my kid wasn’t going to be one yelling at the top of his lungs during a moment of silence in church.  (Actually, he can’t do this because we don’t go to church.  But, he’ll be the one screaming his lungs off when we, heathens, are dead and burning inside the gates of hell.  Ok, we’ll all be screaming.  I digress.)  I always thought that other parents just didn’t know how to control their squawking children in public.  Kids screaming at the supermarket.  Bad parenting.  Kids screaming in the restaurant.  Bad parenting.  My offspring would never do that.  I was sure that my parenting techniques were superior.  Then I was smacked with the reality hammer…

Worm goes from zero to eleven on the volume knob instantly.  At least a hundred decibels can come out of that little body on a whim.  The words “use your inside voice” return a blank stare.  My only solution to the problem was to paint lips on flesh-colored duct tape and cover Worm’s pie hole for our outings, but I can’t find a roll anywhere!  (Must be sold out in stores…or hasn’t been invented yet!  You’re welcome to hijack that idea.  Please send royalties directly to MVG.)

It’s difficult to spend time in a quiet environment with Worm anymore.  Movie theaters are out.  Malls are out.  Even the zoo is suspect.  (Why are all the animals gawking at us and running off, ears covered?)  When we can, we ask for outside seating at venues, in hopes that passersby may mistake the shrill cries of our son for an ambulance or an impending velociraptor.  Subsequently, I’ve narrowed down the list of places we can take the family to:  airport runways, drag races, and space (the final frontier).

I know that I’m losing my hearing from the pint-sized banshee.  I feel the cilia in my ear quivering and dropping dead from fright with every high frequency sonic blast.  No blood has poured from my ears yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m not bleeding inside my head.

“What did you say?”, “Can you turn up the volume on the TV?”, and “I think you’re mumbling.” are the top three phrases from my mouth.  And they’re about 30 years from being followed by “Could I get you to change my Depends?”, “I need to take out my teeth to clean them.”, and “My wrinkles sweat profusely in summer.”  I’m way too young to lose my hearing.

On the plus side, I can now use Worm as an excuse for not listening to my wife.

Worm, you’ve scored yet again.  And just for future reference, when you ask to borrow my car keys I won’t be able to hear you.

Gavin – 13; Dad – 7

“WHAT DID YOU SAY SON?”                                            “I Said That Pink is NOT Your Color, Dad.”

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Categories Random Thoughts
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