Whoa, wait a second. That doesn’t mean what I thought it meant.
For men, there are a few unwritten rules about doing ‘number one’.
- Eyes on your own pee pee.
- Hands on your own pee pee.
- Aim directly at the target (preferably a toilet).
- Laughing and giggling during the event will not be tolerated. (Sure, peeing is fun. You’ve got a water hose attached to your body. But it’s really quite awkward when other people can hear you. Trust me. I know.)
- Don’t try advanced techniques unless you’re ready
to clean up afterwards.
All 5 of the cardinal rules were violated in one fell swoop. How do I know? I was one of the violators. It wasn’t my fault. The Worm made me do it.
A few weeks ago, Worm came home telling me how his best friend at school showed him how to pee standing up. Wondering how a toddler that recently learned to stand and chew simultaneously could be so insightful, I was game to find out more.
“Show me.” I said.
Worm ran over to the toilet. I followed quickly after, eager not to miss any part of this new trick.
*SNAP* *ZIP* Pants fell to his ankles. Two quick yanks on the diaper tabs and it hit the floor.
Then, I watched in horror (violation of rule #1) as Worm leaned against the toilet, put his hands on his hips (violation of rule #5) and just let it rip (violation of rule #3)! All the internet stories of kids spraying themselves, the furniture and unwary bystanders flooded my mind. In order to save myself and our bathroom from urinihilation, I did what any handsome red-blooded hero with catlike reflexes and chiseled muscles would do. I lunged towards the little pistol. I grabbed it (violation of rule #2) and turned it squarely at the toilet bowl. It fired off round after round for what seemed like eternity. The whole time, a squeaky little stream of “heh heh heh” (violation of rule #4) filled the air.
Thankfully, I was able to save us and the bathroom from catastrophe.
My takeaways from this were:
- Worm’s friend may be missing a couple of key parts of his method.
- Worm’s friend should probably get certified or something before he starts teaching.
- Worm’s friend’s dad must be a “hands free” kind of guy. (Kids don’t just pick this kind of stuff up without seeing someone else do it.)
- This is the first of those “Honeydaddy, look what I learned at school today!” moments. I need to be better prepared.
- I don’t really like holding anyone else’s pee pee. (I’m thinking I’ll use pliers in case this happens again.)
Gavin – 30; Honeydaddy – 19 (I’m taking the point here. Mainly because I saved us all from getting peed on. I’ll probably be giving the point back when we are trying this in a dirty, public bathroom…)
Oh my goodness lol I know what your talking about my son is 7 and he know what he is doing in the bathroom but sometimes I when I walk by the bathroom door I hear him laughing and I ask him whats going on he just laughs louder. He must be doing some of those advanced techniques you were talking about because after he comes out I go in to see what all the fuss is about only to find a mess 😦 He now knows that if he makes a mess like that I will make him clean it up and that has helped. Your blog is funny I love it
Peeing on stuff is fun! It’s the cleanup that sucks!
Thanks for dropping by! It looks like you’ve got two kids and two dogs to take care of as well! You’ve got a lot of material to work with..now you just have to find the time to write about it!
Welcome to the blog world!