Whoa, wait a second. That doesn’t mean what I thought it meant.

For men, there are a few unwritten rules about doing ‘number one’.

  1. Eyes on your own pee pee.
  2. Hands on your own pee pee.
  3. Aim directly at the target (preferably a toilet).
  4. Laughing and giggling during the event will not be tolerated.  (Sure, peeing is fun.  You’ve got a water hose attached to your body.  But it’s really quite awkward when other people can hear you.  Trust me.  I know.)
  5. Don’t try advanced techniques unless you’re ready to clean up afterwards.

All 5 of the cardinal rules were violated in one fell swoop.  How do I know?  I was one of the violators.  It wasn’t my fault.  The Worm made me do it.

A few weeks ago, Worm came home telling me how his best friend at school showed him how to pee standing up.  Wondering how a toddler that recently learned to stand and chew simultaneously could be so insightful, I was game to find out more.

“Show me.” I said.

Worm ran over to the toilet.  I followed quickly after, eager not to miss any part of this new trick.

*SNAP*  *ZIP* Pants fell to his ankles.  Two quick yanks on the diaper tabs and it hit the floor.

Then, I watched in horror (violation of rule #1)  as Worm leaned against the toilet, put his hands on his hips (violation of rule #5) and just let it rip (violation of rule #3)!  All the internet stories of kids spraying themselves, the furniture and unwary bystanders flooded my mind.  In order to save myself and our bathroom from urinihilation, I did what any handsome red-blooded hero with catlike reflexes and chiseled muscles would do.  I lunged towards the little pistol.  I grabbed it (violation of rule #2) and turned it squarely at the toilet bowl.  It fired off round after round for what seemed like eternity.  The whole time, a squeaky little stream of “heh heh heh” (violation of rule #4) filled the air.

Thankfully, I was able to save us and the bathroom from catastrophe.

My takeaways from this were:

  • Worm’s friend may be missing a couple of key parts of his method.
  • Worm’s friend should probably get certified or something before he starts teaching.
  • Worm’s friend’s dad must be a “hands free” kind of guy.  (Kids don’t just pick this kind of stuff up without seeing someone else do it.)
  • This is the first of those “Honeydaddy, look what I learned at school today!” moments.  I need to be better prepared.
  • I don’t really like holding anyone else’s pee pee.  (I’m thinking I’ll use pliers in case this happens again.)
Practice. Practice.  Practice.  Sometimes, I Miss the Target!  And I've Been Doing This for Years!

Practice, Practice, Practice. Sometimes, I Miss the Target! And I’ve Been Doing This for Years!

Gavin – 30; Honeydaddy – 19 (I’m taking the point here.  Mainly because I saved us all from getting peed on.  I’ll probably be giving the point back when we are trying this in a dirty, public bathroom…)