Archives for posts with tag: Parenting

I understand the need for a pacifier.  Sort of.  Yes, the sucking reflex soothes babies.  With the undeveloped brain firing off a limited number of primitive requests, the sucking action onto said “plug”, nipple, bottle, or ever lasting gobstopper functions to satiate both the infant mind and body.  The motion effectively helps newborns cope with the cold, cruel world they are unmercifully pushed into.

But when do you take the “paci” away?  Some parents don’t care to remove it from usage.  These kids grow up to become finger and, if flexible enough, toe sucking adults.  (If left untreated, these adults will revoltingly desire to nibble on their friends’ and families’ digits.)  Other parents take away the pacifier too early and the child never emotionally develops past the second grade.  (Just kidding…maybe.)

The wife and I are in two separate camps on the pacifier.  She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Worm using it until he can swap the pacifier for cigarettes.  I think it should have been dropped after Worm hit the 12-month mark.  We couldn’t agree on a solution, so the safe thing for me to do at the time was leave well enough alone.

But during a recent dinner discussion of current events (Cyprus bankruptcy,  North Korea missiles, and baby pacifiers), I felt the urge to raise the plug question from the dead.

“I’m ready to toss out the pacifier.  Worm’s two years old today.  He doesn’t need it anymore.” I asked.  (This is a very effective way to ask a question and get the answer you desire, especially if the other party doesn’t reply.)  After much back and forth, the wife and I were left hot and bothered.  (No, sadly not the good kind of hot and bothered.)

I don’t know what happened later that same evening, but Hell may have frozen over.  I was granted one opportunity to remove the Worm’s pacifier on his birthday.  Hence, I gave him his first birthday un-present.  (I’m sure there will be more un-presents in the future, especially if he becomes one of those kids that whines about how lame his gifts are and how Jimmy John across the street got something way better…)

Anyhow, I took my chance.  In putting the Worm to bed that night, I swiped the plug, turned out his lights, and closed the door.  He fumbled around in the dark looking for it for about 2 minutes.  He screamed and fussed for a few minutes more and that was the end of it.

Now we’re going on the third night in a row with no withdrawals.  Worm’s adjusted well.  His coping mechanisms have matured as much as he has.  A couple books and a shot of rum are all it takes to get the boy to sleep.  Well done, son!

Gavin – 23; Dad – 12 (You get a point for showing a little maturity for your age!  And I’m giving myself a point for convincing your mother to give this a try.  I think she was more attached to the pacifier than you were.)

Worm, You Can't Carry a Concealed Pacifier Without a Permit!

Worm, You Can’t Carry a Concealed Pacifier Without a Permit!

Worm, I wish you a happy birthday.  Exactly two years ago, you were born and you haven’t been out of my heart since.  Our life together has been very special and I cherish it.  I am excited to see what the future brings.  I love you.
 
Your proud father,
d.
 
DSC_3947sm

I’m not the expert on gaining weight.  I’ve been lean and lithe all of my life.  But, I assure you that it’s not from lack of nutrition.  I can eat enough food to support a small neighborhood.  My body happens to be a pretty efficient machine.  When I eat a small amount in a day, my activity levels drop to conserve energy.  When I eat a lot, my activity levels go into overdrive.  And vice versa (or visa versa as they say in the South).  My activity levels will also direct my food portion size.  A big mountain bike ride will require the minimum equivalent of a carne asada burrito, a chicken taco, and an order of chips and salsa.

I think the Worm has taken his inherited energy efficiency to another level.  His body has evolved to run on air, juice, and a couple of gummy snacks (no, not a couple of packages…a couple of pieces).  He’s done an inordinate amount of jumping, playing, and exploring on barely a whiff of French toast and syrup in the morning.

It’s no secret that we’ve our doctors been having problems with Worm’s weight.  So much so, that the pediatrician is holding the phone and ready to dial child services.  (This is our last-ditch effort to keep the government from crying child neglect and placing Worm in a foster home to be ‘better’ cared for.)  Desperate times call for desperate measures and health gets thrown out the window as we must get Worm into the ‘normal’ weight range for his age.  Or else.

The other reason to fatten up the little guy is that at some point, survival mode will take over and Worm will start eating everything.  Not wanting to wake up one day to find Worm feasting on a handful of dirt and leaves from the yard, I thought it best to open every door of opportunity to get calories into his body the normal way.  (Pica is a pretty cool physiological mechanism until the doctor has to pull rocks out of your kid’s belly and you get slapped with a fat bill.)  If it was up to me, I’d keep with the car analogy, drop a funnel into Worm’s mouth and just pour a bunch of peanut butter and molasses down his gullet.  But, the boss doesn’t agree with me treating Worm like a transportation vehicle.  So I have to improvise.

It’s common knowledge that the best way to put on weight is to eat low-fat/non-fat foods and anything with artificial sweeteners krapfens, Berliners, ponchiks, oliebollens, beignets, or as we Americans call them, doughnuts.  We thought to visit the local Krispy Kreme to show our son that empty calories can be deliciously filled with custard and garnished with rainbow sprinkles.

On the way to the doughnut shop, I was explaining to the Worm that doughnuts are in the same family as almonds, hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, and peanuts.  They grow on trees like other nuts, but not here on Earth.  There are farms in heaven that are owned by Monsanto, where angels pick the different varietals (eclairs, glazed, jelly-filled, etc.) during the summer season.  Most are brought down here for human consumption and delivered to places like Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Doughnuts, and supermarkets.  The rest of the doughnuts are eaten by _____ (insert your God here) and that’s what makes him/her larger than life itself.

I finished my story just as we pulled up to the KK and Worm nodded as if he understood.  But, it wasn’t until we walked inside and he bit into his first ever doughnut, that it sunk in.  We were standing inside an extension of heaven eating fruit of the deities.

I think we may have found the answer to our weight gaining prayers…

A Place with Free Doughnuts?  It's Out of This World!

A Place with Free Doughnuts? It’s Out of This World!

Related Post:

MVG – Weight a Minute, You’re Still the Same Size?

Oh boy, here we go again…

The wife decided to kill two birds with one stone and schedule both our children’s doctor visits for the same day.  A 2-year checkup for the Worm.  (I can’t believe he’s made it 2 years.  I pat myself on the back.)  A 2-month checkup for the Smush.

Steph and I bring both kids to the doctor’s office.  As I sit in the waiting room, I look over at one child and think to myself “Wow, This girl has got a jovial attitude, plus a great appetite to boot.  She’s growing.  She looks healthy.  The doctor is going to love her.”

I look over at my other child who is dripping snot all over the floor and trying to cough up his left lung for us to see.  I think to myself “Oh my god.  He’s sick and miserable.  I can see all of his ribs.  The doctor’s going to think we’ve stopped feeding him.  We (I use the term ‘we’ loosely.  I really mean Steph) are going to jail for neglect.”

It’s obvious where all of our efforts have been focused.  (Can you guess who our new favorite child is?)

Smushie checks out great.  According to the NIH, here’s where we are with her development:

  • Physical and motor-skill markers:
    • Closing of soft spot at the back of the head (posterior fontanelle)   (SO SHE’S GOING TO BE HARD HEADED, HUH?)
    • Several newborn reflexes, such as the stepping reflex and grasp reflex disappear  (WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL TO MAKE A HUMAN MARIONETTE OUT OF HER.  TOO LATE NOW.)
    • Less head lag (CAN’T PUT HER ON THE DASHBOARD NEXT TO OUR BOBBLE HEAD CHIHUAHUA ANYMORE)
    • When on stomach, able to lift head almost 45 degrees  (IF I WAIT LONG ENOUGH, SHE’LL EVEN SHOOT MILK FROM HER MOUTH)
    • Less flexing of the arms and legs while lying on the stomach  (BUT SHE’S STARTED DOING A BIT MORE FLEXING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR)

    Sensory and cognitive markers:

    • Beginning to look at close objects  (EVEN GOES CROSS-EYED FOR THE REALLY CLOSE STUFF)
    • Coos  (EVERY WAKING MINUTE)
    • Different cries means different things  (SHE CRIES FOR RED WINE AND CHOCOLATE TOO)
    • Head turns from side to side with sound at the level of the ear  (DOG CLICKER TRAINING WORKS ON KIDS TOO!)
    • Smiles  (ALL THE TIME!  BEAUTIFUL!)
    • Responds to familiar voices  (RESPONDS TO CURIOUS GEORGE’S VOICE THE MOST.  THANKS WORM.)

The Smush is on track and passes her tests with flying colors.  Worm, on the other hand, brings about a host of questions from the doctor.  Since most of communication is unspoken, I will translate the literal dialogue into the real interpretation conveyed.

Doc:  “He hasn’t gained any weight in the past 6 months.”   (“You are feeding him, right?”  Let me just make note of the signs of neglect in my records.)

Me:  “He just doesn’t have an appetite for food.  He can go days without eating.”  (“He asks to eat M&M’s and ice pops every day.  I say no.  So he starves himself to spite us.”)

Doc:  “Our charts also show that Gavin has shrunk 2 inches since we saw him a week ago.”  (“What the hell are you doing to your son?  He’s reversed growth!  Another sign of neglect to add to my records.  People like you shouldn’t be having kids.)

Me:  “I think the assistant may have written it down wrong.  He’s not 3 feet tall.  He’s only 34 inches.”   (“Your nurses are roughly estimating an important developmental data point in my son’s life.  Don’t you understand? Every quarter inch counts at this age!”)

Doc:  “Since Gavin is quickly falling off the chart due to his lack of physical growth, do you want to consider our nutrition counseling?”  (“You obviously can’t feed your son properly.  We’d like to get child services involved and send your son to an orphanage where the state will do a better job of raising him.”)

Me:  “We’re going to try some new foods with him and see if it helps.”  (“I think we’re going to hide out in Mexico until this all blows over.  Maybe we’ll live off the grid and pay for things in cash to keep child services from pinpointing our whereabouts.”)

We may have to take the easy way out and disappear from the authorities until Worm fattens up.  On the bright side, at least I’ll get to use the fake mustaches we have leftover from Halloween…

We're Going to Live In The Woods?  That Sounds Like Fun!

We’re Going to Live In The Woods? That Sounds Like Fun!

He’s 2 months old and I thought there was a skin malfunction.  (I asked the stork to bring us a little brown version of myself and Worm showed up on the doorstep.)  So, I took him outside to see if the sun could help me out.

5 hours later.  Nothing.

Yes, Worm Looks Like His Mom...

Yes, Worm Looks Like His Mom…

Just kidding.  He was only left out in the sun for 4 hours.

June 2011

This is the face he made when I told Worm that he could catch a “case of the Mondays”.

Relax, Worm.  Mondays Only Lasts 24 Hours.

Relax, Worm. Mondays Only Lasts 24 Hours.

June 2011

Can I Wipe My Nose on Your Shoulder, Dad?

Can I Wipe My Nose on Your Shoulder, Dad?

We’re all incredibly sick this week,    (9)

Save for the two with the canine physique.    (10)

One with a hack and a cough so loud,

That the force of it stirs a small dust cloud.

Snot from a nose so tiny, it’s odd

To see such outpouring. Wad after wad.

Another has fallen, now his dad.

No strength from his arms, nor stamina had.

Sickness of both sore throat and green phlegm,

Plus stuffy nose to accompany them.

Mother has had a fever of late.

A temperature rise that wouldn’t abate.

The suffering mom, in a woeful state,

Rested all day long to get herself straight.

And the youngest of all, a wee tot

Sprung a leak in her eye, I kid you not!

It’s not so bad yet, though it is red.

Please stay well.  We’ve no more room in our bed!

Worm, you’re the one that brought the germs in,

And shared them so gladly with all your kin.

Your mouth should not lick everything dear.

Else we’ll suffer again like this.  You hear?