As a dad, I get to teach my children about emotions. Today’s lesson is about the emotion of fright. So, I told Worm that there was no more milk in the fridge and that he would have to start eating real food. I pointed to the brussel sprouts in the vegetable drawer and this is the face he gave me.
The Fridge Light Captures Your Eyes So Beautifully, Worm!
June 2011
The Birth Partner – A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions
The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin is the quintessential birthing book for labor companions. I read mine from cover to cover before each of my kids were born. I loved it and here’s why. I’m the type of father that wants to be involved as much as possible. Do I trust the hospital to deliver my baby in the best way possible? Not quite. I trust the hospital to 1) follow their rulebook to avoid lawsuits, 2) manage labor & delivery to be profitable first, and 3) be as efficient as possible with doctors’ and nurses’ time, and finally 4) deliver babies safely within their guidelines. The hospital’s primary focus is (sadly) not my best interest. They are a company with profits and losses and will be run as such. It’s my responsibility to look out for myself and my family first anyhow. To do that, I need to understand something that all men fear, labor. (Sorry for the diatribe, but it ties into why I liked The Birth Partner so much.)
In the interest of self-preservation (and wife-preservation), I wanted details on the birth process. For me, it’s comforting to demystify a situation as much as possible before confronting it (and in this case the situation is the labor and delivery room). TBP is a reference book dense with childbirth information and gave me the details to ready myself for Steph’s childbirthing. Note that this is not an easy reading Harlequin romance novel. Some dads (or other partners) may get overwhelmed and toss the book on the shelf. Others, like myself, revel in having so much information in one place…and want to sleep with it under our pillow.
I know that birth partners come in all different types. The amount of involvement from a partner during labor differs substantially and depends upon the comfort level and relationship of the partner towards the mother-to-be. My wife pushed two human beings out of her body for us. The least that I could have done is be knowledgeable enough to support her as best I could. So, I took the boy scout approach to childbirth and prepared myself for the delivery room (mostly by catching watermelons and slapping myself in the face), but also by studying up on the subject. My philosophy was “Give me all the information so I can deliver a baby in the back seat of a car, if I have to.” (With as fast as our second one came, a third child may very well get that opportunity.)
Now for the material. It starts out talking about what goes on in the last few weeks of pregnancy. The aches, pains, and signs that a birth partner should always be on the lookout for. It includes all the basic things that you should be thinking about doing and packing before the trip to the hospital. The crux of TBP is dedicated to the actual labor and delivery. The signs of pre-labor, how to understand contractions, dilation, and all the stages of labor are laid out and organized well. (I had to re-read this section a few times. It was pretty dense.) As well as the normal labor scenarios, this section also talks about complications of labor and what you can do as a partner, should they arise. The third section of the book is dedicated to the possible tests and medical interventions that can take place at the hospital. This section is important. Personally, I had a huge issue with the hospital staff that were involved with our first baby’s birth. They had wanted to perform quite a few (unnecessary) medical tests during my son’s birthing. Had I not known about the medical equipment and intervention techniques used, I would not have been able to make an informed (and what I thought was safe) decision on what to do. I felt confident in my knowledge and valuable in protecting my wife (and baby’s) health. The final section is about the postpartum period. It mainly discusses the first few days after delivery and breastfeeding. It’s a short section and just gives some practical tips for coping with a new baby.
Below is a partial list of material found in The Birth Partner
Section 1 (Before the Birth) – perineal massage, tracking fetal movements, birth plan, phone list of important contacts, things to take to the hospital, baby supplies
Section 2 (Labor & Birth) – signs of labor, what to do if water breaks, prelabor signs, timing contractions, when to go to the hospital, how to act during labor, techniques to comfort the mother,
Section 3 (Medical Side) – group B strep, ultrasound, nonstress test, IV fluids, fetal monitoring, fetal scalp monitoring, fetal pulse oximetry, rupturing membranes, induction, episiotomy, vacuum extraction, foreceps delivery, complications to mother, pain medication during labor, cesarean, VBAC, postpartum aches and pains.
Section 4 (After the Birth) – baby exam, circumcision, postpartum depression, planning for the first few months, breastfeeding
In conclusion, I could go on in detail about what Simkin has compiled in TBP, but this review would be overly long. Let me just say that this book is more geared towards those fathers, doulas, and partners that want to understand labor and want to take a very active role in supporting their laboring partner. For those that are willing to leave every decision up to the hospital, this book would be more useful as a doorstop. For everyone in between, this is a valuable resource to pull off the home bookshelf and answer most of the common questions a partner (as well as the future mother) would have about childbirth (in a hospital, birth center, or other).
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Overall Rating: 10 Worms
Readability: 9 Worms (A little dense for most readers.)
Usefulness: 10 Worms
Manliness: 10 Worms (This book tells you how to deliver a baby in the car. That’s the instant mustache kind of manly!)
Retail Price: $16.95
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Pros: Everything about this book. It’s detailed, well-organized, thorough. It has plenty of pictures to help you understand certain ideas and concepts. It will prepare you for just about anything between the end of the prenatal period and beginning of postpartum.
Cons: Very doula centered. I can see it being a bit dense for the more “let the professionals handle it” fathers. If you are not into natural childbirth, this book may be too much. Although, you could get some good information on how to naturally help the mother cope until she gets the epidural.
Things I would modify: Nothing.
If there’s anything in life that tells you that you’re an utter failure at parenting, it should be the time around 3am, when you and your infant are both crying because neither one of you has slept in days. I, my friends, am doing everything wrong.
“I’ve done this before. It’s not new to me.” I told myself. So why doesn’t Smush want to sleep? She’s been out of the proverbial water (maybe not really proverbial) for 3 weeks now and I can’t figure out why she’s not sleeping at all. Let me rephrase that. She sleeps during the day. But, as soon as the moon rises and the lights are out, it’s a relentless grunt-a-thon.
Between the hours of midnight and 7 am, Smush turns into a sleep monster, eating up the slumber of her once loving parents. Her viciously effective torture method is to squeak and snort often enough to scoop us out of our delicious dreams. Once we flip on the bedroom light to discern the matter, she’s quiet as a mouse (and maniacally laughing inside). Six minutes later, the cycle repeats itself…like every six minutes.
To limit Smush’s damage to just one parent at a time, Steph and I take turns sleeping with the enemy baby. Meaning, the living room couch has recently become the best place to snooze and be snoozed. As much as we’d both like to sleep on the couch, one of us has to comically karmically suffer for our life’s misdeeds (like the time when I was 10 and I put a frog on a railroad track during the summer time and watched it sizzle in the hot sun and then get run over by a freight train. I’m sorry for doing that. I really mean it this time!). In the past couple of days, I’ve pulled the short straw. That means grabbing an extra pillow and hunkering down in the trenches until sunrise.
I’ll be the first to tell you that Smush is not a sweet pea at 3am. (She’s more like the pea under my mattress.) During the witching hours, she dons horns and carries a pitchfork (or a spork. I can’t tell. My eyesight’s a bit blurry SINCE I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN DAYS!). In the dark, I feel her cold, calculating stare. If I fake like I’m sleeping, she knows. She waits patiently until I really nod off and fills the air with “Ughhhhhh!”. I bolt upright and curse in her general direction. This series of events is looped until morning.
On the worst night, I was sans wits. Wanting to do something to help Steph’s daughter (I’ve disowned her already), I thought that I could try a few things to help her (and I) get some much-needed rest. They were a string of bad ideas.
Here’s a list of things that I did that are sure to help me win the “Parenting Failure of the Year” award. I’ve set the bar, ladies and gentlemen. So, if you’re wondering how NOT to get your newborn to sleep, read on.
I was just overstimulating the Smushie. She would get more stressed and so would I. The smoke from between her ears should have tipped me off, but I thought it was another devilish trick.
Yes, I’m irritated. Yes, I’m frustrated. Yes, I’m tired. I’m thinking about returning her to the hospital and getting a new one. This one may be broken. It squeaks too much.
Don’t Tell Me That’s Your Eating Utensil, Smushie!!
Um, I Think You’ll Need More Than a Vacuum To Remove Those Spots Worm…
Early on, Worm began mimicking us doing house chores. The light bulb in our heads went off. What if Worm was on a program to brainwash encourage him to enjoy cleaning? How much time, money and weekend spare time would we recoup if we could train our son to clean our house! The first step to getting Worm involved was obvious. Give him kid’s sized tools that look and feel like their adult sized versions.
Voila! In one conversation with the grandparents and a wave of their magic credit card, a Little Tikes Roll ‘n Pop Vac showed up at our door. Worm was excited. We were more excited.
With any child’s toy, a parent doesn’t want little Johnny or Susie playing with something that can maim or damage their prying little fingers and toes. Hence, this vacuum doesn’t have any external moving parts other than the two wheels on the underside of the base. It’s really safe for their big ideas on using their small digits. Besides that, it patented cleaning action performs far better than the most expensive Kirby vacuum out there. (I hope you know I’m kidding. It doesn’t pick up anything except fairy dust and elf farts.) Like the name suggests, the vacuum does roll and pop a bunch of little colored balls and glitter around when pushed. It makes noise, too, which all kids love!
Even though it’s mostly plastic, this thing is built tough. That’s one thing I really like about the product. My son is pretty careful with toys, so he will probably never test the limits of the Roll ‘n Pop’s durability. The colors are pretty gender neutral. Plus, there is a neat little hand vac for kids that have a serious cleaning streak in them and can’t stand not to leave any nook or cranny unclean.
The Worm is about 34 inches tall and you can see how he compares to the size of the vacuum. (He is a little over the 1.5 years old minimum age recommendations listed by Little Tikes.)
The real question is “Does he use it?”. Not really. When I put it in the middle of the living room, he’ll push it for a minute or so. He never looks at ease maneuvering it around and in most cases, he will drag it away backwards to make space for his other toys. Sometimes he flips the switch and expects it to turn on (like my vacuum), but nothing happens. That’s when he gives me the look of “Dude, WTF? It’s broken.” and puts it away.
Overall, the vacuum is a decent buy. The price is right for the Roll ‘n Pop Vac. I wouldn’t pay more for it. If the handle tilted down and there were two more wheels on it, I think my boy would play with it more and get the joy out of vacuuming the house that his father does. Though with any toy, it’s hard to guess what one child likes and another child dislikes. I know mine is a clever little man at 21 months of age and he knows it’s not quite like my Dyson. So in our case, we may need to take a shot at something a little more functional…or give up on our ‘free housecleaning forever’ dream.
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Overall Rating: 6 Worms
Ease of Use: 3 Worms (It’s a bit awkward to push around.)
Performance: 7 Worms (The balls roll and pop around inside the vacuum when pushed…so I guess it performs as described.)
Features: 5 Worms (It basically just rolls and pops.)
Durability: 10 Worms (It’s solid.)
Manliness: 7 Worms (Times have changed ladies. Vacuuming is definitely manly.)
Retail Price: $26.99
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Pros:
Sturdy. Cute little hand vacuum detachment.
Cons:
Switch doesn’t do anything. No front wheels on the vacuum makes it hard for kids to push around.
Things I would modify:
Make the switch buzz, blink, glow, whistle, anything. Add more wheels so it actually rolls over the carpet…For the handheld, make it easier to roll over the carpets and couch.
Where to find:
Sleep Little One…There’s Plenty of Room In My Heart For You Too!
Smush, you’re here! There’s no question, you’re mine! (9)
Such hairy little ears and a beet red behind! (11)
Like daddy, you’re dark! Great for the sun!
We can play on the beach until the day’s done.
Worm and his mom can’t stay long past dawn.
They’ll turn into lobsters and have to be gone!
Together we’ll frolic, with arms locked,
Our sharp elbows jabbing, and bony knees knocked.
My gangly limbs were meant for my lad,
I’ve cursed you with finger toes, please don’t be mad!
You’re a gift to us. We are so blessed.
Study hard in school and don’t go out half-dressed.
Worm’s in the top spot, remember that.
But listen to daddy and you’ll be there STAT!
Like clean up your room and stay on track
Give me hugs and kisses and never talk back
Or miss curfew or fall into the wrong crowd at school or
Date until you’re 35…and even then, I have to look him over to make sure he’s good enough for you.
As soon as Smushie was born, Worm was jettisoned from the family sweet spot. No longer the baby, he was metaphorically transplanted from his warm, cozy nest to the storage shed out back. In addition, Worm can’t hog all of our parental love for himself anymore. We’re now supporting a needy infant who requires a lot of our TLC (Honey Boo Boo, Toddlers & Tiaras, and Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress) to grow. Therefore, we made the executive decision to proportion the lion’s share of our love to little Smush with the occasional scrap tossed in Worm’s general direction. It will be enough to minimally sustain him and nowhere near the amount he received prior to his sister’s arrival. (I’m not worried, though. Worm will grow to be emotionally scarred, but win out in the long run. Like an abused puppy, he will be irresistible to womankind and become a lifelong project for them to invest time and effort into.)
The big day was here. I thought the proper ‘Dad’ thing to do would be to give Worm at least a couple hours notice of Smush’s impending arrival later that evening. It seemed the perfect opportunity for me to practice this first of many ‘father-to-son’ talks by warming up the Worm to the idea of a sister. I explained it to him in simple phrases like “more ice pops and cheese balls for dinner”, “nap times may disappear altogether”, and “all of your waking hours could be spent in front of the TV”. He took it quite well. (Ok, I could have been more direct with him, but why upset the poor guy? He hadn’t a clue as to what was about to fall in his lap and I didn’t want to be the bad guy to tell him.)
Not knowing what else to do, I thought it easiest best to let Worm mull over our conversation in his mind while I went back to the hospital to grab the wife and baby. The plan was for us to check out of the hospital, come home, walk Smush nonchalantly through the front door, gauge the crowd reaction, and then act surprised like we didn’t know how she got in the Subaru do our best to stay calm.
What will Worm do? Will he be excited? Will he gouge out Smush’s eyes? Will he fling poop in her face? Or will he break out in the Macarena dance? What about the dogs? What are they going to think?
We arrived at home around 6pm and collectively pushed baby and car seat through the front door. The fervor and excitement in the house shot through the ceiling…and took everyone’s brains with it. With no gray matter to control their bodies, dogs were howling (i.e. Frodo), dogs were vomiting (i.e. Duncan), and kids were flailing (i.e. Worm). Frodo’s howling was loud enough to hear three doors down and Duncan’s distress shoveled his semi-digested dinner onto the carpet. Worm frolicked around the living room, babbling hodge podge nonsensities at the top of his lungs. Even hours later, the air was still thick with anxiety and nervous giddiness. A little too much adrenalin was squeezed out that night, and the troops paid for it in sleep.
The next day came at a fraction of the previous night’s intensity. With the jitters out, Worm and the dogs got to examine the newest member of the family under the warm rays of the early morning sun. Within minutes, Worm stamped his sibling seal of approval right on the end of his little sister’s foot.
Worm Kisses His Baby Sister! How Sweet!
Gavin – 21; Dad – 11 (You get two points for this one, Worm. Your heart is so incredibly full of sweetness.)
Am I The Only One That Thinks Worm Looks Like a Gap Tooth Bill Murray Here?
One of the topics in the imaginary book “100 Things No One Tells New Parents” is that of the gap toothed baby. I don’t yet own a copy, so when my little Worm started filling his mouth with his first set of pearly whites, I wasn’t prepared. A huge space formed between tooth E and tooth F. (That’s medical speak for the top two front teeth!) I asked myself for the 15th time “Is Worm actually my son?” I don’t have a gap and neither does Steph. So why would the Worm have such a prominent one? The only sensible answer is that we accidentally picked up Michael Strahan and Lauren Hutton‘s love child from the hospital (and in exchange, our real child is having the champagne wishes and caviar dreams the rest of us only see on TV).
Upon closer inspection, Steph and I found that our boy’s maxillary frenulum (or frenum) is quite low on the gums. Worm’s upper labial tie (not to be confused with a neck tie, or cravat) attaches very near the bottom of his gums at the edge of the hard palate. This gives me good reason to assume that Worm’s teeth are gapped due to the thick (about 3mm) frenulum that sits between his front choppers. Other possible gap teeth causes for Worm (besides the theory that he isn’t mine) are: his teeth are small, his jaw is big, he may have extra teeth in the gums that prevent correct positioning, etc.
Bad Frenulum! Bad, bad!
To be on the safe side, we made a special visit to our pediatrician. The kid doctor had a look and told us not to worry about the teeth or frenulum just yet. And to have it evaluated at the dentist when he turns two (Worm, not the dentist). She also said that since the teeth and gums change as more teeth emerge, it may be less of a problem, or go away completely as his adult teeth come in.
Having never before seen a living frenum like Worm’s, I decided to get a second opinion from our other doctor, the internet. I researched a few articles reassuring me that my son was not a mutant lifeform and that other children also suffer from different levels of lip-tie. Worm’s frenum looks to be between a class III and IV, which are the most tightly attached. I don’t know if it was because he was our first child, or because we didn’t pay close enough attention to him, but we missed catching it early and it’s most likely Obama’s fault in some way. I felt slightly better when I read that plenty of “tight frenulum” issues go undetected because many babies adapt well enough to overcome some of the associated problems. Worm’s workarounds worked right around us. Scouring the internet, I found many parents’ stories that share a lot of our fears and concerns about the frenulum fracas. Because sharing is caring, here is a summary of our story, small enough to fit in a pocket of your mind:
When Worm was an infant, he was fussy. Early on, I spent many hours sleepwalking through the house trying to bounce and squeeze the extra air out of him. We thought he was a little colicky but normal, as we also didn’t have any prior parenting experience to compare him to. He was our first child. After being introduced to solid foods, Worm quickly lost his desire to breastfeed. That never bothered us, because it gave us an excuse to use our brand new baby food processor earlier than anticipated. We figured that his personality was the driving factor in his desire to switch to solid foods, so no red flags arose. During the first year of his life, we didn’t really look inside his mouth for longer than the amount of time it took him to yawn. An occasional peek showed us a tongue, pink gums, and a couple of cobwebs in the back corner…nothing out of the ordinary. Then he got old enough to belt out a hearty laugh (from one of my horrible jokes) and his upper lip only curled slightly. Voila! We noticed a thick flap of skin holding onto Worm’s upper lip and gums and the wife and I started pointing fingers. “That’s not from my side of the family!” we each exclaimed.
(We’re still trying to locate the family member that passed this gene down so we can bill them for the dental procedures.)
So to make other new parents aware of this ‘more common than you think’ issue, I’ve provided a list of upper labial frenulum complications below. I tried to gather a concise list of signs and symptoms I’ve found that make sense of the upper lip frenulum fuss:
So now the question is: What do we do?
I’m not into waiting for the frenulum to fix itself. I know there are a few dental websites that say to wait, but I don’t want this to turn into thousands of dollars worth of braces and teeth realignment down the road. (I want a new mountain bike and I’m not spending good money on useless sillyness like teeth…) We don’t want general anesthesia for Worm, so anything requiring it is placed at the bottom of the list as a last resort. (The only things putting Worm to sleep are my boring childhood stories.) I could snip it myself, but my gag reflex kicked in after only seeing pictures online. I’m not going to do it. The best option I see right now is an erbium laser treatment. We will start heading in that direction and gather more information. It uses local anesthetic, is timely, and involves obliteration of tissue and burning of flesh… but in a nice, humane and painless way. Besides, anything involving lasers should be nothing short of awesome!
We’re going to look into the cost of the procedure and if there is insurance coverage for any of it. Pics and updates to come. Stay tuned.
I wonder if Smush could have the same problem…hmm.
Related Links:
Oral Diagnosis of Abnormal Frenum Attachments in Neonates and Infants – Classification of maxillary frenulum attachment and examines a laser treatment solution.
Frenums, Tongue-tie, Ankyloglossia – Excellent presentation discussing sublingual and maxillary frenula complications. Surgical procedures and before/after pictures. Very interesting.
Breastfeeding and Frenulums – website with excellent information for breastfeeding mothers as well as a presentation HERE. Brian Palmer is the dentist and he put together the Frenums, Tongue-tie, and Ankyloglossia presentation above as well. Excellent.
Blog Posts:
Frenectomy Today Frenum, Frenulum and Frenectomy – How to Effectively Deal With Them in 21st Century America – Great blog post on one woman’s struggle with finding help for her child’s maxillary labial frenulum problem. Other articles
The funny-shaped woman – Here’s a blog post that got me started on my internet hunt to find out more. It’s a real life breastfeeding woman’s experience with maxillary labial tie.
The Mommypotamus Lip Tie Q & A – Great blog post on questions that you may have about lip-tie.
The Mommypotamus How to Spot Tongue/Lip Ties & Get FREE Expert Advice – Another great blog post on lip and tongue tie and how to start looking for it on your children.
Tempest Beauty Maxillary Labial Frenum and Tongue Tie – Mom’s experience with feeding and later, laser treatment for upper lip tie at Dr. Kotlow office.
Me vs. Gavin 