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One Million Moms Forcing Their Values On America…Again

April 20, 2012 //
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One Million Ignorant Moms is in the news again.  (Please don’t think that once you’re a mom that you are automatically inducted.  You have to love God and hate everything else to become a member.  I digress.)  This time they’ve got a problem with Urban Outfitters.  (UO is also great at making headlines.  See ‘Navajo Nation Sues Urban Outfitters‘ for one example.)  A few days ago, UO sent out their April 2012 catalog featuring their new line of clothing.  (If you’re reading my blog, you’re probably too old and unhip to wear their stuff.  Do people even say ‘hip’ anymore?)  On the second page of the catalog is *gasp* an image of two very nice pairs of shoes…attached to two very liplocked girls.

To prevent straight females everywhere from seeing this horrid act and subsequently catching “the gayness“, OMM is boycotting UO and telling their members to burn the catalog (along with any other non-Christian holy books they’ve got).  The members have been told to wash their eyes with soap and water in case they have seen the page (or in their terms, ‘filth’) in person.  (Don’t worry, seeing the ‘filth’ on the fancy interwebthing isn’t the same thing and does NOT require cleansing of the eyes.)  Confession stands have been open this week, 24 hours a day for all, including those that have even thought about the shameless Urban Outfitter image.

Apparently in our country, there are one million moms that are full of ignorance and hatred (powered by fear).  If OMM keeps fighting every clothing company that they have a problem with, they’ll soon be walking around naked.  And personally, I don’t want to see one million angry moms walking around in the buff burning things in effigy and castigating every living being (in the name of God).

The first thought that came to mind when I read the story was that OMM was probably backed by some radical fearful alienating Christian organization.  (They sounded so ignorant, it had to be related to blind religion.  Blind religion is not to be confused with real religion, where we are supposed to love and support each other regardless of different beliefs.)  So, I dug a little deeper and bingo.  I found it.  The American Family Association is the group that oversees OMM.  They’re an organization that will “communicate an outspoken, resolute, Christian voice throughout America.”  And their mission?  It’s to “inform, equip, and activate individuals to strengthen the moral foundations of American culture, and give aid to the church here and abroad in its task of fulfilling the Great Commission.”

I’ve got no problem with organized religion, just organized asininity.  (Yes, it’s a word.)  Couldn’t OMM spend more time worrying about teaching their own family values to themselves instead of pressing them on other people?  They should stop worrying about saving the rest of us.  We’re too busy trying to remove fear from our hearts and make the world a better place for EVERYBODY.

Anyhow, I asked One Million Dads (in my brain) how they felt about the UO image and here are the responses I got:

  • 56% – “I should have ordered two copies!”
  • 20% – “What does Urban mean?”
  • 18% – “Are you sure those aren’t boys with wigs?”
  • 5% – “Is it only women that can contract “the gayness” from seeing this picture, or can men get it too?”
  • 1% – “We don’t hate girls kissing girls.  We hate lesbians kissing lesbians.”

I’m thinking about starting a group called “I Really Don’t Think God Gives A Shit if Girls Kiss Girls As Long As They’re Not Killing Anyone”…anyone want to join?

If you catch "the gayness" from seeing this image, MVG is truly sorry.

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Fatten Him Up You Crunchy Hippies!

April 17, 2012 //
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Here’s the skinny.  It’s Worm.

We had our 1 year checkup with the pediatrician.  She breaks out her measuring sticks to size up our future NBA all-star.  (We’re making him sleep with a couple of basketballs to get him dreaming about the game.  It’s called mental preparation.)  Then she punches the stats into her machine (sometimes called a computer) and out comes a chart.  It shows us that our baby is less than 30% in the weight category for his age.  (Hello?  Have you seen ‘dat baby’ daddy?)  Apparently, skinny babies are not in vogue.  We get lectured.

“What types of foods are you feeding him?”

“You know.  Formula, fruits, veggies, rice, quinoa, potatoes, chicken, etc.  We try to feed him healthy stuff.  Organic, if possible.”

The doctor’s brain hears the words “healthy” and “organic” and instantly translates our words to something more like “We are vegetarians and we only feed our kid grass-fed wheatgrass and imported kale chips.  And occasionally, granola.”

WTF?

We try to abate the doctor’s fears of our child abuse by letting her know that our child is extremely active.  When awake, he doesn’t stop crawling, playing, or moving.  The blank stare she returns lets me know her brain didn’t register a thing I said.  Then she starts in.

“You should be feeding him high calorie foods, like whole milk, butter, cheese, cream cheese, regular yogurt.  You know, things like that. No low-fat food.”

“Sounds great!  From what you’re saying, most of his calories should be from milk products.  We’re going to cut out the middle man and just buy a cow for Worm.  (That’s what Indians do, right?)  It’s probably the best way to get him fat enough to be ‘in the 50th percentile’.  There doesn’t seem to be any downside to loading up on dairy!”  (Ok, I didn’t say that to her, I just nodded and smiled.)

In my brain, I translate the rest of her ‘blah, blah, blah…’ to “Listen you damn new age hippies.  The fact that you even question vaccines for your baby means that you’re crazier than Mel Gibson.  Can’t you see that you’re the problem with society?  If you don’t feed your baby tons of cow products, then we can’t sustain the beef and milk industry, the pharmaceutical industry (bovine antibiotics and hormones) will go out of business, the price of beef will skyrocket, and I’ll never see a 99 cent cheeseburger again.  So stop smoking the weed, sniffing the tie-dye, and dancing naked during the full moons.  Get your kid fattened up or else….

And to make sure he puts on weight, I’m scheduling a weigh-in for Gavin in 6 weeks.”

To Be Continued…

What About the Milk Chocolate, Dad?

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Categories Food

High Allergy Foods – What Not to Do

April 16, 2012 //
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After posting a recent article on a little girl genius, I’d like to give you a taste of what the dunderhead (IQ = mine) part of the population does to make more rational people shake their heads in disbelief.

We’ve started feeding the Worm solid foods about 6 months ago.  He’s got an insatiable appetite for all things edible (or plastic).  At around the 10-month old mark, we started allowing Worm to feed off our dinner plates.  He would point at what looked appetizing and we would let him sample it.  Vegetables, rice, chicken, pasta, etc.  Of course, only foods that were shown to be low on the food allergy list were dropped into the baby’s mouth.  It was fun to see what Worm liked and didn’t like to eat.

Then one day, we decided to get a little crazy with the food selection.

In the morning, we decided to make Worm a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  (In case you were wondering, peanuts can be severe and life-threatening for those with a peanut allergy.)  We definitely wanted to test out peanut butter on the Worm.  This isn’t the dunderhead part.  We planned on giving Worm peanut butter that day, especially in the morning.  If there was a reaction, we would be awake and ready to drive him to the hospital emergency room.

Here’s dunderhead move #1.  The jelly part of the sandwich was a mixed berry blend and strawberries were one of the ingredients.  (Strawberry allergies are fairly common.  Did I know this ahead of time?  Yes.  Did I use my brain to make the PB and J sandwich? No.)  I probably should have used grape jelly instead.  (Did you know that white strawberries do not produce the allergic reactions of the red ones?  Read here. Did I just increase your IQ by one point?  I sure did.)

One of the rules of experimentation is that you don’t test two variables at the same time.  (All we could say was oops and thank god he didn’t have a reaction to either peanut butter or strawberries.)

Another rule of experimentation is that you must wait until the first experiment is complete before running another experiment.  Did we wait?  Not even a whole day passed before we shoved another couple of high allergy foods into Worm’s mouth!

For dinner that same night, Steph, Grandma, and I went to our neighborhood Chinese food buffet.  (It makes total sense to take a baby to a buffet once he starts to eat solid foods, right?  I mean, why open the door a little bit?  Why not throw the door wide open and break it off the hinges?)

Hey?! Where's the cupcakes and cheezy poofs?

In what could be called overzealous enthusiasm (or reckless stupidity), we decided to feed Worm a variety of foods from the buffet trays.  And we didn’t realize that some of the foods had shrimp, fish and/or fish products in them until after Worm had eaten.  (Fish and shellfish are also very high on the food allergy scale.  Severe reaction such as anaphylaxis or anaphylactic shock can occur upon eating.)  Did I think about this ahead of time?  No.  Dunderhead move #2.

We got lucky that day.  Our family history only shows shellfish allergy from one of the grandpas and no one else.  The chances of food allergic reaction in Worm was pretty low.  But, we will try to be a little bit smarter in dealing with any more of our kids in the future.

If there is anything that you can learn from an idiot like myself, it’s this:

  • Don’t do what I did.  Give your kids one potentially high allergy food every couple of days.  You should let your child pass the new food through their gastrointestinal system before moving on to another.
  • Check your family history of allergies.  Make note of who in your family has allergies to alert yourself of potentially reactive foods.  Food allergies can be passed down.
  • Make a list of the high allergy foods you want your baby to try (Cow’s Milk, Wheat, Soy, Peanuts, Tree nuts, Fish, Shellfish, Eggs are very highly allergic).  Check off the ones that your baby has tried and make note of any bowel movement changes.
  • Check your baby’s skin for any changes after eating.  (It’s hard to tell if your baby has a skin rash if you can’t see through onesies.)  Check again after each diaper change for any redness, hives, bumps, etc.
  • Read food labels.  (Unless you’re at a buffet and you’re trying out the free-for-all smorgasbord technique like we did.  Not recommended.)
  • Know where the hospital is.  Severe allergic reaction in babies can constrict airways pretty quickly.  Lack of oxygen can lead to brain damage. You don’t want to waste time seaching the internet for the hospital during an emergency.
Related Links:

Food Allergies in Babies

How To Test Foods on Your Baby For Allergies  (Very informative blog)

Peanut Allergies in Babies

Strawberry Allergy Signs in Babies

http://www.achooallergy.com/blog/strawberry-allergy-/

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Are You Smarter Than This 4-Year Old?

April 16, 2012 //
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Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein (Photo credit: mansionwb) If you thought this was the 4-year old genius, Heidi Hankins, you're not a genius.

Probably not.  Maybe the name Heidi Hankins doesn’t ring a bell now.  Why?  Because she’s only 4 years old and hasn’t made her mark on the world yet.  But 20 years from now, her name may become synonymous with Einstein if she’s the one that solves the laws of the physics defying nanoparticles (or solve the riddle of one of man’s greatest mysteries, the female mind).

Heidi’s IQ is a whopping 159…supposedly 1 point less than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and myself.  (Just checking to see if you were paying attention.)  She just joined MENSA.

This brings me to a hypothetical question.  What if this capacity for knowledge was bestowed upon my child?  A gift like this makes for an interesting perspective on child rearing.  Would I be smart enough to realize how smart my kid was?  Would I be able to exercise his mind to the extent that it would need to be, in order to maximize his abilities?  Challenging a child of that intellect would be, um, challenging.  And the problems that come with that ‘genius‘ moniker could destroy the person.

Imagine if everyone expects your kid to be the best at everything?  Imagine if everyone expects your kid to be the next Einstein?  What if your kid doesn’t want to be?  What if the world says that your child’s talents were wasted and denounces your parenting skills?  Those are the things society will probably think and say.  (This is a sad part of the idiocracy we live in.)  The societal pressure of expectation can be a difficult burden to bear.

Would I be happy if my child was a genius?  Yes.  Would I be happy if my child was normal?  Yes.  Would I be happy if my child was a kind, generous, loving human being?  Above anything else, yes.  In my eyes, his genius can take a backseat to this.

Some tidbits that you may find interesting:

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Songs From the Shower – You’re All Grows Up

April 12, 2012 //
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You’re one year old now,

What does that mean?

A whole lot of crawling

Is what I’ve been seeing.

—–

I can honestly say you’re

Not hiding from life.

You’re exploring and growing.

Should I find you a wife?  (Or is it still too early?)

—–

Three hundred and sixty

Five days since you’ve come.

I can handle it better

If given some rum.  (and maybe a calendar…Wow, a year already??)

—–

I touch the bath drain

Watching water, like time,

Flow through my hands swiftly

Like life.  Is that grime?  (It’s time to scrub the bathtub.  What can I say?)

—–

Next year you’ll be two

And where will I be?

Teaching you how

To stand up and pee (in the shower.  I can’t wait for that!)

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One and Done

April 12, 2012 //
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Last week, the Worm turned one-year old.  To celebrate his awesomeness, we threw him a party!  We invited 30 people whom he didn’t know, provided lots of food he couldn’t eat, and made him stay up late when he didn’t want to.

In short, the party was for us!  Hooray!

But before the festivities commenced, my good friend Ted carried out a Taoist ceremony for entering life’s path.  Steph and I figured that Gavin could use all the help he could get, so why not bring in the blessings of the gods?  (No chickens were sacrificed during the ceremony, only monkeys.)  We invited our parents and a few friends for the cozy spiritual service.

Worm and I Can Be On Life's Path Together!

After the ceremony, there was good food and drink to be had!  All were merry!  With a Mexican theme, we rolled out the salsa, carne asada, carnitas, y cervezas!  (Don’t worry, Worm didn’t drink any beer.  He had tequila!)  Thanks C & E for helping us with the food and preparation!

It was a nice, warm San Diego day and we spent much of the celebration outside on the patio.

In the American first birthday tradition, two cakes were made.  (Steph told me it’s a tradition…I’d never heard of it.)  One for us to eat and enjoy, and one for Worm to eat and enjoy.  It’s pretty well understood that the baby’s cake is one that will probably end up splattered rather than sliced, and worn rather than eaten.

Naturally for Worm, his birthday cake was in the shape of a monkey.  (I asked for it to be in the shape of a Worm, but I was vetoed by Steph and Nana…but they promised me that his 2nd birthday could have a Worm-shaped cake.)

Lo and behold, our baby didn’t smash his birthday cake.  In fact, he asked for a fork to savor each morsel.  (He also asked for some sangria, but we declined.)

At the end of an unmessy event, the Worm looked like this:

 

Should We Freeze The Cake And Reuse it For His 2nd Birthday?

Worm partied well into the late evening until fiesta turned into siesta.

 

Happy First Birthday Gavin!

 

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The Arcade that Caine Built…Out of Cardboard.

April 11, 2012 //
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I’m always looking for ways to inspire myself.  Now that I’ve got a little one, finding ways to inspire him is just as important to me.

With all the bad stuff that hits the news everyday about youths, drugs, violence, etc., it seems as though the news media spends more time showing us the evil in our society than it shows the good.  Today, they’ve tried to even up the score.

Below is an article that shares the creativity of a little 9-year old boy in Los Angeles.  He loves games so much, he decided to build his own arcade out of cardboard found around his dad’s auto parts shop.  He designed and built everything.  All that was left to do, was spread the word and get people into his cardboard arcade.  Then one serendipitous encounter with a very nice customer changed his life forever.

I hope you find this article as heartwarming and inspiring as I did.  It’s a testament to what a kid can do given a little imagination and a little time.  There’s also a 10-minute video that Caine’s first customer, Nirvan Mullick, made to help drum up some business for the little guy using technology and a powerful thing called a social network…Boy, did it work!

By the time I dropped $10 into Caine’s donation jar, he already had $96 Grand $105 Grand in there from many other generous, caring individuals.

If this doesn’t describe one of the greatest things about the human condition, I don’t know what else does.  Enjoy!

Original Articles

http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/unplugged/nine-old-cardboard-arcade-launches-college-fund-182844242.html

http://techland.time.com/2012/04/10/we-came-to-play-kids-self-built-cardboard-arcade-hits-the-big-time/

Caine’s Website

Caine’s Arcade (where you can donate to his college fund!)

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