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I Designate Friday as Golden Shower Day

May 16, 2012 //
4

Last Friday I had enough.  Enough crying.  Enough barking.  Enough cleaning.  Enough playing house.  When I was a child, playing house was nothing like this.

It was more like:

Wifey – “Welcome home honey!  I baked you some fresh bread and started a bath for you.”

Hubby – “That’s great! But before dinner, let’s feed the kitty, walk the dog, and churn some butter.”

And we all lived happily ever after!

On Friday, the proverbial shit hit the fan and the real shit hit the carpet.

But, let’s start a few days prior.  Enter Wednesday, the hors d’oeuvre.

I thought I had everything under control until my back went out on me.  Yep.  Kaput.  I couldn’t stand upright, sit down, or lay down without sharp, searing, nauseating pain.  (It was three orders of magnitude worse than giving birth, ok?)  My entire lower back was as hard as steel.  (Why can’t my abdominals be like that?)

We added a third dog, Looney (aptly named), to the house just after my back fell apart.  (Steph and I had agreed months ago to pet-sit a friend’s dog for four days while they were on vacation.  It just so happened to start today.  Seren-f-n-dipity.)

And since the gods weren’t quite done pissing on my mortal soul, they plugged up our kitchen sink.  We tried Drano as if, just this once, it would actually perform as advertised.  (Does Drano ever work?  The foaming version?  Nope.  The gel version?  Nope.  The extra strength version?  Nope.  The mystical, magic crystal version?  Nope.  Drano only seems to open the drain in my wallet.  I digress.)  Naturally, the plumber couldn’t come out until Friday morning.  (Do you sense a bit of foreshadowing?)

Thursday was hellacious, but nothing like the day after.  Enter Friday morning, le plat principal.  (In case you were wondering, entree doesn’t translate to main course anywhere except for America.)

The plumber is coming this morning.  I go to the kitchen to clean up before he arrives.  The dishes from the past two days are piled next to the sink and as I get closer, the backed up drain smells faintly familiar.  Oh yeah!  It smells like a dumpster in here!  Super!

Worm is still in bed sleeping (off some vodka cranberry we goosed last night), so I take the opportunity to pick up toys off the floors.  Every Friday is vacuum day.  (I vacuum in Speedos the color of my vacuum cleaner, if you’re after some mental eye candy.)  I look down at the carpet in the front room and there’s quite a few new stains showing.  They must be fresh because I don’t remember them from yesterday.  I look closer.  Oh, they’re chocolate stains.  Which one of the damn dogs smeared choco-noooo!  This is dog shit!  And it’s everywhere!  Double super!

I’m irate.  How stupid can these dogs be?  There’s probably 3 piles of shit in the whole backyard.  WTF?  Aren’t dogs supposed to smell shit a mile away?  How could they step in it?  Don’t they look where they’re walking?

I go to the living room to ponder what to do next.  And what do I see in the living room?  (You know this is not going to be good either, right?)  It’s a large puddle of yellow-orange vomit on our awesome leopard print rug.  Triple super!

At this point, we’re only 7 hours into Friday and I need a drink.

The plumber gets to the house around 8 and Duncan starts barking his head off.  The baby wakes up from the ruckus crying and screaming.  Looney sneaks outside to fence fight with the neighbors’ dogs.  So, I’m screaming at Duncan to stop.  The neighbors are screaming at Looney to stop.  The dogs must have sensed my weakness because they just looked at me and laughed.  The chaos went on until the plumber left an hour later.  To make a long story short, I spent the entire morning scrubbing, washing, cleaning, bleaching, steaming, fuming, panting, bitching, moaning, screaming, and almost sobbing.  I even missed my stay-at-home dad’s day at the tavern, which I’d been looking forward to all week long.

Last Friday, I was pretty damn close to spontaneously combusting.  If I had, I’m sure the gods would have surely pissed on me then.

Worm, I Am NOT a Disney Land Ride!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Don’t Break Your Kid’s Leg at the Playground

May 9, 2012 //
0

Not that I would ever do such a thing…on purpose.  But, accidentally?  I could see that happening.  So far, I haven’t done anything to scar my son physically.  Emotionally, I’ve probably wreaked havoc on him.  (There’s a small chance I won’t know until he’s moved out of the house.)

I was reading an article the other day about dangers on a playground.  What I didn’t know was that I could be dangerous enough to break my kid’s leg.

A slide is fun to, er, slide on.  And even though I’m in my late 20’s (ok, early-30’s)  (ok, mid-30’s for Tebow’s sake!), I still get a kick out of scooting down the slide.  (Whee!)  As a father, I want to maximize our laughs on the playground.  So naturally, I perch Gavin atop my lap and we go down the slide together.  (Whee!)  We’ve done it quite a few times already.

But, here’s where it gets dangerous.  If you are sliding down the slide with your child and his/her shoe gets caught under you, the force of your additional weight may be enough to break the child’s leg or injure him or her substantially.

For the physics nerds out there:

  • On top of a slide:  The potential energy of a parent + child > The potential energy of child
  • Potential energy becomes kinetic energy as the parent + child (or child alone) go down the slide.  Disregard thermal energy such as friction burning the seat of your pants on the way down.
  • If a child is sliding down the slide by himself, he may be able to put a foot down to slow and stop himself.  The kinetic force is turned into thermal energy and result in burned rubber on the shoes!
  • If a parent and child are sliding down the slide together, the child may try to put a foot down to slow and stop himself.  But, the kinetic energy of both parent and child may be too great and the mechanical energy of the child’s foot may not be enough to slow and stop parent and child.  Thus, child’s mechanical energy is overcome by the kinetic energy and fracture of bone may occur on descent.  Voila!  Child has broken leg and you are to blame.  Bad parent, bad!

So, in other words, be careful on the playground!  You don’t want to have to go home to your wife and tell her that you broke her kid’s leg.  But, in case you find yourself in this predicament, use one of these 3 excuses to get off scott-free:

  1. He was getting beat up at the playground and we tried to escape by sliding down the slide.  But, _____ (fill in your child’s name here) tried to jump off the slide to retaliate and got his leg stuck under me and broke it.  Our boy’s got the fight of a lion, doesn’t he?  (MAKE YOUR KID THE HERO.)
  2. We climbed to the top of the slide to get a better view of playground and he slipped.  I dove down to save _____ from falling and hitting his head.  As I caught little _____ in my lap, his foot got caught under me and broke.  Don’t worry though, it could have been worse if he broke his head.  (MAKE YOURSELF THE HERO.)
  3. We were at the playground and suddenly, there was this light beam that came down from the sky and started pulling _____ towards a hovering space ship.  I jumped up and grabbed _____.  In falling from the tractor beam’s pull, we landed on the slide.  The impact of the fall caused me to land on _____’s leg, breaking it.  Thank Tebow, it was only a fracture.  Just think what would have happened if the aliens got him.  (THIS ONE’S A LONG SHOT.)

Original article:

Riding the Slide with Your Toddler in Your Lap Could Break Her Leg

You Aliens Have to Try Harder Against These Intelligent Lifeforms!!

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Categories Play

Daddy’s Broken. Could Frodo Save the Day?

May 9, 2012 //
0

There’s one body part that I’ve just realized to be extremely important when caring for my toddler, a strong back.  My back decided it was through working for me today and resigned immediately.  Without back muscles, I’m about 2 inches shorter.  And even worse, I’m walking like a 90-year-old man.

I guess you’re wondering how I’ve been managing the Worm with a bad back.  I can’t lift Worm, I can’t carry Worm, I can’t wrestle with the Worm.  He’s starving because I can’t even feed him.  Ok, I can feed him…but just barely.  (Which is probably NOT going to be a valid excuse when we go back to the pediatrician for his weigh-in next week.  But, that’s a different story.)

I don’t know why my back has deserted me.  Maybe it’s telling me that I need to give it less A-B-U-S-E and more T-L-C.  It’s amazing how much I use my back when caring for a kid.  I lift the Worm about 30 times a day.  He always wants to be picked up and carried from here to there.  The amount of gear that comes with kids is equally back-breaking (pardon my pun).  So, on top of carrying around the Worm, I’m lugging around twice his weight in gear.  (Maybe I should reconsider helping Worm gain weight.  It doesn’t look to be  a win-win situation for all of us.)

What I need is a horse.  Or a dog that is willing to carry our kid stuff.  Wait a minute!  What about Frodo?  Aren’t Siberian Huskies bred to carry stuff?  Maybe what I need is a sled and a whip?  (Once again, the wheels are turning and my brain cells are firing.)  If sledders can get a Husky to mush across Alaska, I can surely get our Husky to mush out to the car in the driveway.  Now, I just need to build a sled…

For now, I’m using heat, massage, and acupuncture (thanks Dayna) to fix my muscles.  Until I’m better, Steph’s going to have to take care of both Worm and I!  (I look at this as a good family bonding opportunity…Steph, I will ‘let’ you rub my back tonight in the name of quality family time!)

Tips to Keeping Your Back Healthy For Your Baby:

  • Always lift with your legs
  • Try to keep your back as upright as possible when lifting
  • Keep arms in close towards body when lifting
  • Try not to lift and rotate the torso at the same time.  This is a good way to herniate a disc in the back.  Lift first.  Then rotate.
  • Exercise abdominal muscles to strengthen core  (Strong abdominals provide support to the back muscles.)
  • Stretch daily.  Stretching keeps the muscles loose and working to full strength.  Cobra pose, pigeon pose, camel pose, etc…try yoga!

Follow these steps and carry your baby until he or she turns 18!

Mush! Mush!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Hypothetically Famous…

May 4, 2012 //
3

I have recently had the opportunity to interview for a TV series that is going to be based on stay-at-home dads.  Since I have a burning desire to walk the red carpet and have people pay me to wear clothes, I decided to try out.  What the heck, right?  What’s the worst that could happen?  One problem is that Gavin may not want to be on TV.  At this age, he has no say.  (We vote on things all the time, but he never asks any questions or says ‘Aye‘ or ‘Nay’.  So, 85% of the time, I win!)  How do I know what Worm wants?  Does he want everyone in the universe to see what he’s doing and how he’s growing up?  Does he want to be famous?

I thought about all of the great things that could happen if we were on TV:

  • My friends and family could watch us every single day on TV.
  • Gavin could become a reality TV star.
  • It would take my blog to another level.
  • I could get paid for changing diapers and brushing baby teeth.  (Gavin would get paid in jujube’s and jellybeans.)
  • I could eventually have my own talk show!
Then, I thought about all of the bad things that could happen if I was on TV:
  • My friends and family could watch me every single day on TV.
  • I wouldn’t be able to see myself on TV because I don’t have cable.
  • We would have to watch everything we say and do in public.
  • We could get negative press from the media.
  • We could be stalked by the paparazzi.
  • We could end up like the Kardashians.

Things I learned that day:

  • It takes 4 hours to get to L.A. (from San Diego) on a weekday morning.
  • It takes 1 hr and 50 minutes to get home from L.A. (to San Diego) on a weekday at lunch time.
  • I can’t drive more than 2 hours without having to pee.
  • 50 minutes of my camera interview will be condensed into 2-3 minutes.  Therefore, 95% of what I say is worthless.  (Have they been talking to my wife?)
  • There’s a lot of if’s in show business.

Stay tuned.  If I know something, you’ll know something.  If you’ve got any thoughts, feel free to comment!

We’re Just a Couple of Character Actors!!!

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Categories MVG Oddities

Songs From the Shower – The Poo Incident

May 1, 2012 //
0

It’s one of those days,

A busy-ness haze.

There’s no time to rest!

There’s no time to graze!

—–

It’s quarter to nine.

And not normally when

The Worm gets his nap,

Which is around 10.

—–

Dinner last night has

Won over my gut.

It’s making some noise

To get out.  Now what?

—–

Worm can’t be left un-

watched in the abode.

I’ve gotta go bad,

Or else I’ll explode!

—–

My only option

Is for Worm to view

His dad on the can.

How awkward! Pee Yew!

—–

I hope that Worm is

Not scarred yet again.

By watching me do

Something quite un-zen.

—–

Worm, forgive me for

Forcing you to be

Locked in the bathroom

With my poo and me!

Look, Maybe You Shouldn't Bring Me in The Bathroom With You Next Time. Ok?

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Categories Random Thoughts

It’s Been a Year, So What Has He Done With His Life?

April 30, 2012 //
2

I need to document these times in Worm’s life now, so that (in a few years) when my memory fades, I can look back at my blog and refresh the brain cells on the things he was doing at each year of his growth.  I can entertain him years from now with the truth commingled with a little bit of fiction while he’s wiping drool off my face and changing my diapers at the ‘home’.

The first year of development has a list of milestones that should be achieved.  Of course, each chart varies on what milestones should be completed at each age category.  But, I choose the chart that stresses me out the most and makes me worry that the Worm is below average.

Please take into account that we asked the stork to deliver us an athlete that would support us financially into our golden years.  We also made it clear that we would give up brains for athletic prowess, since career-wise, it pays more.

Here goes:

Milestones completed up to 1-year-old  —

  • Drinks from sippy cup
  • Feeds himself
  • Poops himself  (I wish he would start changing his own diapers…)
  • Recognizes and responds to his names (Love, Lovie, Worm, Wormie, Dude, Babe, Bug, Bubba, Honey Bun, and occasionally Gavin)
  • Uses utensils to eat (Uses fork, spoon, and the ever handy spork.)
  • Uses short straws to drink (and to make music)
  • Claps hands (He’s ready for the circus.)
  • Crawls insanely fast (Christmas day was the first day he crawled.)
  • Stands up from sitting position without holding on to anything
  • Climbs (He can climb onto the coffee table, couch, and roof.  Ok, I help him climb onto the roof.)
  • Supports body weight on two hands (Remember doing ‘wheelbarrow’ with your friends as a kid?  Worm does this all the time!)
  • Visually tracks objects moving at moderate speeds
  • Searches for things where they were last seen (Some object permanence as well.)
  • Recognizes household objects by name (He can point out about 15 or so things in the house when I say the word.)
  • Recognizes body parts by name (Ocular Orbit, Nasal cartilage, Auricle, Oral cavity…you know.  Easy stuff.)
  • Mimics actions of mom and dad (such as lifting weights, clapping, pointing, some sign language)
  • Performs sign language (about 10 or so signs.  Thanks Alex and Leah!)
  • Turns book pages (80% of the time he reads books from left to right.)
  • Fears some strangers (the stranger, the more fearful)
  • Can pincher grasp a straw from one end and locate the other end into correct opening (wickedly good hand-eye coordination with either hand. Hallelujah!)
  • Places objects into container (We’ve got to nurture this milestone…)
  • Can locate source of sounds and find us when we call him from another room (He’s almost as good as the dogs at this!)
  • Stretches arms and legs out to get dressed (Keeps me from having to use the tazer during changing time.)
  • Gets frustrated when he can’t: do something, get something, or lift something.  (That’s a milestone?)
  • Plays ‘Give’ and ‘Take’ with objects
  • Mimics talking on the cell phone (I wonder where he picked that skill up from??)
  • Bobs up and down to music (He’s got that rhythm!)
  • Opens and closes cabinet doors (and conveniently tosses stuff out of them)
  • Flips off lights (has a hard time flipping the switch on, though)
  • Pokes everything with his index finger (sometimes even his nose)

Milestones NOT completed at 1-year-old —

  • Doesn’t say any real words (like angioplasty, perpendicular, ostensibly…)
  • Doesn’t shake head no (but then we really don’t say no to him a lot.  We try to redirect his attention to something more parent-happy.)
  • Doesn’t roll a ball back to me (It’s hard to play together when one of us doesn’t comply…and I’m not naming names.)
  • Doesn’t wave hi or bye (but he gives a good ‘Where the hell are you going?’ look)
  • Doesn’t imitate words we say to him (He only babbles in his own language that only the dogs understand.)
  • Doesn’t play pat-a-cake (Isn’t that a girl’s game anyhow?)

Worm, you’re doing great!  Your mother and I are very proud of you!

I think I’m somewhere under the bell curve of fatherhood, don’t you think?  And as an extra little pat on my own back, I’ll just sneak in a point for me!

Gavin – 11; Daddy – 6

Gimme a Hi Five Dad!

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Categories Education

The Jealous Worm

April 26, 2012 //
0

The Worm has jealousy in his little body.  The new emotion must have wired itself into his brain last night.  Because today he wants to be the object of my affection…but only when Duncan and I are having our Daddy-Dunkie time.  And if I don’t respond to Worm immediately, I am made to suffer some ear-splitting and slimy consequences.  (Can you say spoiled attachment parenting?)

Back in the day (or 8 months ago), Worm was easy to care for:  feed, change, sleep, and occasionally bathe.  No talking back, no temper tantrums, no whining.  He’d just lay back and enjoy the view from whatever surface we’d Velcro his onesie to.  Those days are gone.  He’s heavily interacting with the environment now and picking up new tricks everywhere.  (It seems his brain is developing so quickly that I swear he’s figured out how to work his baby mind meld on me, even through my force shield!)  Where else would he learn about the world, but by watching his furry brothers!

Duncan and Frodo are Worm’s older siblings.  It’s only natural that he thinks he’s a dog too.  (Maybe I could fatten him up by feeding him from the dog bowl…hmm.)  And as the youngest one in the family, he picks up some habits and tricks from his hairy bros.  The best trick Worm has learned is growling.  (It’s useful for when I’m at the supermarket and people want to hold Gavin.  I make him growl and let the would-be-handler know that he hasn’t had his shots yet.)  The worst trick is the jealous whining.  (Thanks Duncan.)  Worm’s realized that whining lands you in the lap and affections of daddy.  In our house, the squeaky wheel gets a lot of grease!

60% of the Time, It Works Every Time!

Since my type-A personality has me multitasking on just about everything, I also try to multitask family fun time.  (Do you see anything wrong with that?)  100% utilization of my arms is important to maximizing my distribution of entertainment to the family.  For instance, during play time I’ll try to distract Worm in his play area for about 10 minutes with one hand.  With the other hand, I’ll pet Duncan.  Or, I’ll play tug-of-war with Duncan on one arm, while holding Worm in the other.  (I’ll need to get fitted with a third arm when the next child comes.)  If I wiggle my arms just right, there’s amusement for the entire family.

But, the second Worm feels like Duncan is getting more attention than he, out comes the jealous fits!

If I don’t answer the call of the little wildman, the volume increases and the tears fall freely.  Only after I’ve transfixed my full attention on Gavin, do the sprinklers stop.

Just wait until we decide to have another kid, Worm.  Your world (and mine) will completely shatter unless I can figure out how to keep everyone happy!  (Maybe cloning myself will become an option by then.)

Gavin – 11; Daddy – 5

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Categories Play
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