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Fatten Him Up You Crunchy Hippies!

April 17, 2012 //
1

Here’s the skinny.  It’s Worm.

We had our 1 year checkup with the pediatrician.  She breaks out her measuring sticks to size up our future NBA all-star.  (We’re making him sleep with a couple of basketballs to get him dreaming about the game.  It’s called mental preparation.)  Then she punches the stats into her machine (sometimes called a computer) and out comes a chart.  It shows us that our baby is less than 30% in the weight category for his age.  (Hello?  Have you seen ‘dat baby’ daddy?)  Apparently, skinny babies are not in vogue.  We get lectured.

“What types of foods are you feeding him?”

“You know.  Formula, fruits, veggies, rice, quinoa, potatoes, chicken, etc.  We try to feed him healthy stuff.  Organic, if possible.”

The doctor’s brain hears the words “healthy” and “organic” and instantly translates our words to something more like “We are vegetarians and we only feed our kid grass-fed wheatgrass and imported kale chips.  And occasionally, granola.”

WTF?

We try to abate the doctor’s fears of our child abuse by letting her know that our child is extremely active.  When awake, he doesn’t stop crawling, playing, or moving.  The blank stare she returns lets me know her brain didn’t register a thing I said.  Then she starts in.

“You should be feeding him high calorie foods, like whole milk, butter, cheese, cream cheese, regular yogurt.  You know, things like that. No low-fat food.”

“Sounds great!  From what you’re saying, most of his calories should be from milk products.  We’re going to cut out the middle man and just buy a cow for Worm.  (That’s what Indians do, right?)  It’s probably the best way to get him fat enough to be ‘in the 50th percentile’.  There doesn’t seem to be any downside to loading up on dairy!”  (Ok, I didn’t say that to her, I just nodded and smiled.)

In my brain, I translate the rest of her ‘blah, blah, blah…’ to “Listen you damn new age hippies.  The fact that you even question vaccines for your baby means that you’re crazier than Mel Gibson.  Can’t you see that you’re the problem with society?  If you don’t feed your baby tons of cow products, then we can’t sustain the beef and milk industry, the pharmaceutical industry (bovine antibiotics and hormones) will go out of business, the price of beef will skyrocket, and I’ll never see a 99 cent cheeseburger again.  So stop smoking the weed, sniffing the tie-dye, and dancing naked during the full moons.  Get your kid fattened up or else….

And to make sure he puts on weight, I’m scheduling a weigh-in for Gavin in 6 weeks.”

To Be Continued…

What About the Milk Chocolate, Dad?

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Categories Food

High Allergy Foods – What Not to Do

April 16, 2012 //
2

After posting a recent article on a little girl genius, I’d like to give you a taste of what the dunderhead (IQ = mine) part of the population does to make more rational people shake their heads in disbelief.

We’ve started feeding the Worm solid foods about 6 months ago.  He’s got an insatiable appetite for all things edible (or plastic).  At around the 10-month old mark, we started allowing Worm to feed off our dinner plates.  He would point at what looked appetizing and we would let him sample it.  Vegetables, rice, chicken, pasta, etc.  Of course, only foods that were shown to be low on the food allergy list were dropped into the baby’s mouth.  It was fun to see what Worm liked and didn’t like to eat.

Then one day, we decided to get a little crazy with the food selection.

In the morning, we decided to make Worm a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  (In case you were wondering, peanuts can be severe and life-threatening for those with a peanut allergy.)  We definitely wanted to test out peanut butter on the Worm.  This isn’t the dunderhead part.  We planned on giving Worm peanut butter that day, especially in the morning.  If there was a reaction, we would be awake and ready to drive him to the hospital emergency room.

Here’s dunderhead move #1.  The jelly part of the sandwich was a mixed berry blend and strawberries were one of the ingredients.  (Strawberry allergies are fairly common.  Did I know this ahead of time?  Yes.  Did I use my brain to make the PB and J sandwich? No.)  I probably should have used grape jelly instead.  (Did you know that white strawberries do not produce the allergic reactions of the red ones?  Read here. Did I just increase your IQ by one point?  I sure did.)

One of the rules of experimentation is that you don’t test two variables at the same time.  (All we could say was oops and thank god he didn’t have a reaction to either peanut butter or strawberries.)

Another rule of experimentation is that you must wait until the first experiment is complete before running another experiment.  Did we wait?  Not even a whole day passed before we shoved another couple of high allergy foods into Worm’s mouth!

For dinner that same night, Steph, Grandma, and I went to our neighborhood Chinese food buffet.  (It makes total sense to take a baby to a buffet once he starts to eat solid foods, right?  I mean, why open the door a little bit?  Why not throw the door wide open and break it off the hinges?)

Hey?! Where's the cupcakes and cheezy poofs?

In what could be called overzealous enthusiasm (or reckless stupidity), we decided to feed Worm a variety of foods from the buffet trays.  And we didn’t realize that some of the foods had shrimp, fish and/or fish products in them until after Worm had eaten.  (Fish and shellfish are also very high on the food allergy scale.  Severe reaction such as anaphylaxis or anaphylactic shock can occur upon eating.)  Did I think about this ahead of time?  No.  Dunderhead move #2.

We got lucky that day.  Our family history only shows shellfish allergy from one of the grandpas and no one else.  The chances of food allergic reaction in Worm was pretty low.  But, we will try to be a little bit smarter in dealing with any more of our kids in the future.

If there is anything that you can learn from an idiot like myself, it’s this:

  • Don’t do what I did.  Give your kids one potentially high allergy food every couple of days.  You should let your child pass the new food through their gastrointestinal system before moving on to another.
  • Check your family history of allergies.  Make note of who in your family has allergies to alert yourself of potentially reactive foods.  Food allergies can be passed down.
  • Make a list of the high allergy foods you want your baby to try (Cow’s Milk, Wheat, Soy, Peanuts, Tree nuts, Fish, Shellfish, Eggs are very highly allergic).  Check off the ones that your baby has tried and make note of any bowel movement changes.
  • Check your baby’s skin for any changes after eating.  (It’s hard to tell if your baby has a skin rash if you can’t see through onesies.)  Check again after each diaper change for any redness, hives, bumps, etc.
  • Read food labels.  (Unless you’re at a buffet and you’re trying out the free-for-all smorgasbord technique like we did.  Not recommended.)
  • Know where the hospital is.  Severe allergic reaction in babies can constrict airways pretty quickly.  Lack of oxygen can lead to brain damage. You don’t want to waste time seaching the internet for the hospital during an emergency.
Related Links:

Food Allergies in Babies

How To Test Foods on Your Baby For Allergies  (Very informative blog)

Peanut Allergies in Babies

Strawberry Allergy Signs in Babies

http://www.achooallergy.com/blog/strawberry-allergy-/

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Categories Food

Songs From the Shower – You’re All Grows Up

April 12, 2012 //
0

You’re one year old now,

What does that mean?

A whole lot of crawling

Is what I’ve been seeing.

—–

I can honestly say you’re

Not hiding from life.

You’re exploring and growing.

Should I find you a wife?  (Or is it still too early?)

—–

Three hundred and sixty

Five days since you’ve come.

I can handle it better

If given some rum.  (and maybe a calendar…Wow, a year already??)

—–

I touch the bath drain

Watching water, like time,

Flow through my hands swiftly

Like life.  Is that grime?  (It’s time to scrub the bathtub.  What can I say?)

—–

Next year you’ll be two

And where will I be?

Teaching you how

To stand up and pee (in the shower.  I can’t wait for that!)

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Categories Random Thoughts

One and Done

April 12, 2012 //
0

Last week, the Worm turned one-year old.  To celebrate his awesomeness, we threw him a party!  We invited 30 people whom he didn’t know, provided lots of food he couldn’t eat, and made him stay up late when he didn’t want to.

In short, the party was for us!  Hooray!

But before the festivities commenced, my good friend Ted carried out a Taoist ceremony for entering life’s path.  Steph and I figured that Gavin could use all the help he could get, so why not bring in the blessings of the gods?  (No chickens were sacrificed during the ceremony, only monkeys.)  We invited our parents and a few friends for the cozy spiritual service.

Worm and I Can Be On Life's Path Together!

After the ceremony, there was good food and drink to be had!  All were merry!  With a Mexican theme, we rolled out the salsa, carne asada, carnitas, y cervezas!  (Don’t worry, Worm didn’t drink any beer.  He had tequila!)  Thanks C & E for helping us with the food and preparation!

It was a nice, warm San Diego day and we spent much of the celebration outside on the patio.

In the American first birthday tradition, two cakes were made.  (Steph told me it’s a tradition…I’d never heard of it.)  One for us to eat and enjoy, and one for Worm to eat and enjoy.  It’s pretty well understood that the baby’s cake is one that will probably end up splattered rather than sliced, and worn rather than eaten.

Naturally for Worm, his birthday cake was in the shape of a monkey.  (I asked for it to be in the shape of a Worm, but I was vetoed by Steph and Nana…but they promised me that his 2nd birthday could have a Worm-shaped cake.)

Lo and behold, our baby didn’t smash his birthday cake.  In fact, he asked for a fork to savor each morsel.  (He also asked for some sangria, but we declined.)

At the end of an unmessy event, the Worm looked like this:

 

Should We Freeze The Cake And Reuse it For His 2nd Birthday?

Worm partied well into the late evening until fiesta turned into siesta.

 

Happy First Birthday Gavin!

 

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Categories Uncategorized

Meet the SAHDs (Stay At Home Dads)

April 3, 2012 //
0

A few days ago, Gavin and I started swim lessons…and we were thrown into a pool full of sharks new moms. No jokes, barely a few smiles, and minimal conversation chilled the air. I felt like the proverbial fish out of water. I envisioned we’d all buddy up over latte half-cafs and pedicures and discuss our new post-partum bodies or something. Nope. Not happening. I barely got a ‘Hi’ from any of them.

After consorting with the over-emotional side of humankind (and getting the cold shoulder), I decided to check out the more easy-going side.  I signed up on Meetup to meet a few SAHDs (Stay-At-Home Dads) in my neighborhood.

I must say that I was pretty excited to get Worm around some testosterone.  There’s just a little bit more reality and a little less drama when it comes to hanging out with most men.  Also, I figured that the meet and greet would be good for Worm to balance out his aqua acrobatics with some terra firma tumbling.

The meetup was at the local playground.  We get there early and meet the dad running the whole show.  His boy was about the same age as Gavin.  Since his son was walking, I thought it would be great for Worm to take some pointers from a peer.  But, Worm wasn’t impressed.  He repeated the same behavior as he did in the pool, clinging to me like I was the best daddy on earth…or the last.

I spent 45 minutes trying to get him to relax enough to put his feet on the ground.  I brought his toys out and ran them through the sand, tossed the ball around, and played with the fixtures in the playground.  (In case you were wondering, I had a blast!)  Worm just watched with apprehension and partial disgust.

Then I had an idea.  I pried Worm’s hands from my body, plopped him in the swing, and ran away as fast as I could.  When I returned 3 hours later, he was still in the swing.  So, I snapped off a picture.

Swinging in the Park

Just kidding.  Here’s how the stats played out:

  • 45 minutes of staring at the playground
  • 5 minutes in the swing
  • 20 minutes of whining
  • 10 minutes with xylophone toy
  • 15 minutes of whining
  • 15 minutes of sandbox time

Then it was time to leave.

Overall, I would say that the park visit was a success.  I got a taste of what the other new dads were up to.  Worm got a taste of playground sand and recycled rubber tires.  It was a nice change from last week’s swimming lesson.

The only thing missing was beer.  That’s why the next meetup is at a kid-friendly pub.  (Come on, new dads + kids + beer = gigaloads of fun!  What could possibly go wrong?)

SAHM‘s eat your heart out.

Dad, wasn't it F = (M x a) where a = omega squared divided by r?

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Categories Play

Worm is 1 Year Old Today!

April 2, 2012 //
0

In the spirit of Dr. Seuss, here’s a little poem for Gavin on his birthday!

You’re one today!

What does that mean?

Plenty of milk

And plenty of green…vegetables!

We’ll surprise you today

With your favorite things,

Like ‘Yo Gabba Gabba‘

And some (obnoxiously loud) toy that sings.

You survived an entire

Year with your dad!  (You can thank me later.)

With no missing limbs,

Aren’t you glad?

Dad’s much better at

Decoding your shout,

Which cry says ‘change me‘

And the cry of ‘cut it out (you idiot.  Stop playing with my emotions!)’

You’ve grown so much

In body and mind!  (You’re a lean machine.  You can thank me later for that too.)

I can see clearly you

Have your mother’s behind.

What will two bring?

I think it will be

More bruises and bumps

For both you and me.

Let’s celebrate today

And us parents will hail

That we haven’t screwed up Worm

Enough to land us in jail!

Dad, You'd Better Turn it Up a Notch. It's The Only First Birthday I'll Ever Have!

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Categories Uncategorized

First Swimming Lesson

March 28, 2012 //
2

It’s time to teach the Worm to swim.  He’s almost a year old now and better parents will tell us we should have started months ago.  Also, it’s time for him to see and play with kids that aren’t over 30 years old and graying.  (I’m talking about my wife here, not me.)  Worm needs to get out and interact like the social butterfly I want him to be.  And what better way to get Daddy & the Worm socialized than at a bikini filled hot tub swimming pool?

Worm’s naturally drawn to water.  Every time he hears the bathtub filling up, he crawls his way over in anticipation that it’s for him.  Once in the tub, he splashes around and giggles like there’s no tomorrow.  He loves water so much, he has no problem wedging himself into the dog dish with the same gusto.  A swimming pool is just like a really large bathtub.  Right?  Well, that’s not quite the way Worm saw it.

We show up to the swimming pool in the afternoon.  Worm slipped into his asset accentuating Speedo-esque baby swim diaper.  (First, I was perplexed about how this diaper was going to absorb pee and poop while underwater.  Then, I came to the realization halfway through the class that the baby swim diaper only keeps chunky stuff from floating to the top of the pool.  Everything else sort of just um…magically vanishes into the water…yeah, vanishes.)

Man, does he look poised and ready to go!

Dad! Look at My Swim Muscles!

When Worm, Grandma and I show up to class a little early, Worm peers around flexing his muscles and ‘scoping the hotties.  (He’s a chip off the old block!)  We’re in luck because we find out there are 4 girls in our swim class and no dudes!  Picking up babes today is going to be like catching fish in a bucket.  So Worm and I primp ourselves to showcase the finest of the male species for the next 30 minutes for these lucky girls.

The Pre-Pool Jitters.

Though, as soon as we hit the water we lost the battle of the sexes.  For almost the entire half-hour class, Worm clung to me like a leech in a swamp.

Did we participate in the leg kicks exercise?  Nope.

Did we participate in back floating exercise?  Nope.

Did we participate in putting floating toys in the bucket?  Maybe once.

Did we participate in screaming, crying, and clinging?  A resounding yes!

Worm Taking His Mind Off of the Water For A Split Second.

Most children are curious about other children.  Worm didn’t look at any of them after he got into the pool.  He was too busy signaling for Grandma to dive in and rescue him from this water torture device.  Of course, I couldn’t make eye contact with any of the parents either.  Embarrassed, my excuse was that I was babysitting my friend’s kid for the afternoon.  “See?  He doesn’t really look like me.  Any resemblance is probably because we spend a lot of time together.  It’s purely coincidental.” I said.

You know how you get that strange feeling like every mom is watching you and dissecting your every move, saying to themselves “I would never do that with my child!” or “That baby’s a mess from poor parenting!”  That’s how I felt today during the swim lesson.  I was wishing I could just swim over to my gymbag and pour a double shot of Anniversario to take the edge off but I think the Boys and Girls club frowns upon such behavior. If there were any other guys there besides us, I’d get someone to ease our pain and break the ice with a story or joke.  There was none of that from the moms in the pool.  They just half-smiled at us fellas and splashed us with “I bet they’re both peeing in the pool” glances.

A couple of times during the swim class, the instructor tried to pry Worm away from me in hopes that he would forget his fears and paddle about in reckless abandon.  Not a chance.  His screaming only increased a few decibels and in defeat, the instructor handed him back to me.

Should I Make a Break For It While Worm's Not Looking?

So, my kiddo spent the better part of our swim lesson grappling with dad’s slippery body.  A couple of times I thought he would choke me out.  But, we both survived.  Even though a swim lesson wasn’t learned, a life lesson was.

Here are our takeaways from our first swim lesson:

1.  If the pool water is green, don’t dip your head under.  (For Dad)

2.  If you want to make a good impression on the ladies and you don’t know how to swim, wear a fake cast for an excuse to stay out of the pool.  (For Worm)

3.  Moms can be a scary bunch to deal with if you’re a SAHD, so drink heavily before any activity where you’re well outnumbered by them.  (For Dad)

4.  Have excuses ready for when your baby is making a scene.  “Oh, this isn’t my child.” works best.  Other standards are:  “It’s way past his nap time.”  “He’s going through a phase right now.”  “You didn’t see it, but your child slapped mine first.”  “He forgot to take his Xanax and missed his therapy session so his emotions are out of whack right now.”  (For Dad)

Ok, I think We've Tortured You Enough. Let's Go Home.

I guess I should have been better prepared.  But as a stubborn Dad teaching a stubborn Worm…He’s going to learn to swim whether he likes it or not.  We’ll be back on Saturday with a vengeance.

Gavin = 10; Dad = 5

By the way, if you’re in the San Diego area and you are looking for swimming classes to enroll your baby, check out Noonan Family Swim School.  They have locations all over San Diego.

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Categories Education
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