Worm, Did You Misplace Your Second Nap?

August 8, 2012 //
2

I can’t find it.  It’s disappeared.  And I’m pissed.  I thought it would be another year before Worm stopped napping twice a day.

I was getting used to having about almost 5 hours of “me” time per diem.

Step 1 – Keep Worm’s brain and body in high gear until he ran out of gas.

Step 2 – Put Worm into sleep mode.  (He’d nap for a solid part of the day and I would catch up on my work and personal tasks.)

Step 3 – When Worm wakes up, repeat the sequence.

I was money.  I had this whole parenting thing on cruise control while I focused my mind on important matters.  I was the SAHD of every man’s dreams.  (It’s kind of gross when I ponder too deeply the thought of being in every man’s dreams.)

“What?  You can feed the hungry, build houses in Africa, and raise Gavin at the same time?  Where do you find the hours in the day?” the other dads would ask me.  And I would grin and reply “And one day I will stop global warming…but that will be sometime after #2 is born.  I need a challenge.”

All of a sudden, I’m getting half the “me” time and the s#!t has hit the fan.  I’m scrambling to keep it together because my system has failed.  I’m losing sleep at night to get stuff done and I’m a zombie in the daylight when I need energy to match Worm’s exuberance.  I feel like I’m trying to cram 10 pounds of proverbial s#!t in a 5 pound bag.

Do you know what I’ve now got to squeeze into that tiny window of opportunity?

Here’s my list:

  • Eat breakfast (“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” – Lewis Carroll)
  • Wash dishes (“No husband has ever been shot while he was doing dishes.” – Unknown)
  • Clean kitchen (“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller)
  • Check and answer emails  (“I get email, therefore I am.” – Unknown)
  • Pack merchandise for internet business (“Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.” – Unknown)
  • Exercise  (“It’s not sweat, it’s my body crying from the pain.” – Unknown)
  • Eat lunch (“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices:  take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett)
  • Take a shower  (“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” – P.J. O’Rourke)
  • Relax for a few minutes before Worm wakes up (“Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another.” – Anatole France)

And at least for the next week, I’m trying to fit watching the Olympics somewhere in there.

So, if you’re wondering why my blog has slowed to a crawl, it’s Worm’s fault!  Too bad Worm doesn’t see things the way Yogi did.

“I usually try to take a two hour nap from 1 to 4.”

– Yogi Berra

He’s So Adorable When He Sleeps, Sometimes I Can’t Help But Wake Him Up And Kiss Him!

 

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Categories MVG Oddities

Crawling is Still Lip Smacking Good!

July 26, 2012 //
0

I’m glad that we’re transitioning from crawling to walking.  I know I’ve heard that benefits of crawling include cross-brain coordination via the corpus callosum blah, blah, blah.  We’ve done enough of that.  (We can’t allow him to be too intelligent.  He’ll get made fun of at school.  Besides, I need to keep the upper hand.)  In fact, we’ve done so much crawling that now Worm’s body is faster than his brain!

The other day I saw Worm galloping his way across the kitchen floor with smoke spewing out of his ears from brain overload.  All of a sudden, limbs were flying every which way and “THUD!”.  Worm’s lips had kissed the floor…a little too passionately.

His upper lip started bleeding and swelling up, so we did what any parent would do in a situation like this.  We gave Worm a bath.  (Ok, it was to cool his little brain down from overheating.  Jeez, so we didn’t know what to do and bathing him was the first thing that came to mind!  Stop judging us!  We’re new at this!)

I know what could remedy this situation!

And of course, the miracle medicine that fixes all health problems….warm and fresh from the tap…bath water!

Drinking bath water heals cancer, raises the dead, and reduces swollen lips from disaster!

The USDA recommends 8-12oz of bath water daily for clear, healthy skin!

Worm, is this a sign that you should spend more time upright?  Your lips are so luscious now!  Very Angelina Jolie-esque!  I hope you didn’t knock too many brain cells loose.

A Few Crawling and Brain Development Articles:

http://www.ehow.com/about_6694635_brain-development-babies-longer-walk.html

http://www.bumptobean.com/crawling-and-brain-development/

http://www.wholenesshealing.com/when-to-use-therapy/infants-a-toddlers/brain-development/corpus-callosum

http://www.hoofbeats.us/cross-hemispheric-intergration/

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Categories Play

These Feet Were Made For Walking!

July 23, 2012 //
1

On Saturday, Worm was feeling frisky enough to get up and dance a little two-step.  For 10 minutes straight, he worked on shakin’ his stems.  (It would have made Elvis proud.)  The sheer enjoyment on his face was priceless.  Not wanting to ruin the moment but wanting to capture it at the same time, I had a dialogue with myself.  “Should I jump up and grab my video camera now?  But, what if I distract him and we lose the moment?  Well, if I’m focused on trying to capture the moment, does that mean that I’m not really in the moment of watching Worm take some huge first steps?”  Faster than a sailor on a 4-hour shore pass, I wrassled my camera off the table and got er’ dun’ (Are the apostrophes even in the right place?)  Yee Hah!  I got it on film!  Now you can see Worm wobblin’ around like a mouthful of loose teeth!

Steph and I are happy to see the Worm evolve from four legs to two.  Soon, Worm won’t need to drag his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches across the carpet when changing dining locations.  I used to think our crawlin’ young’un was busier than a one-legged man at an ass kickin’ contest, but on two feet he’s going to be all over the place like greased lightnin’.  Our life is about to get nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival.

For some of you, it will seem like the longest 75 seconds of your life.  But I promise, it’s better than bein’ poked in da’ eye with a sharp stick…Enjoy!

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Categories Play

TV Zombie Eating

July 20, 2012 //
1

The Worm’s got a bad habit.  He is a TV zombie eater.  (Thanks to me, it didn’t take long for the bad habits to start.  First, this.  Next month, it will be cigarettes and tequila for dessert.)  I have a huge pet peeve about mindless eating and this is quite an irritating conundrum…for me.  Worm doesn’t seem to mind.

When Worm’s sitting in front of me with a plate full of food, he picks at it.  I could sing and dance for him, but it hardly boosts his appetite.  Soon, boredom sets in and he’s chucking his sandwich bites at the dogs or letting them lick the jelly from his sticky fingers.  It’s not that Worm isn’t hungry, because he is.  Though to him, eating is pointless work with no real benefit.  (I tried to explain the notion of calories and how food gives toddlers energy, but Worm is certain he is powered by the sun.  Why else would he get tired at night?)

When I flip on the boob tube, cue up Curious George, and place the Worm anywhere near the TV screen, he locks in like a missile on target.  His eyes glaze over, blinking ceases, and his motion slows.  Worm’s alter ego, the TV zombie, has been channeled.  I pass a spoonful of cereal under his nose and the secret trap door drops open to accept the offering.  Access has been granted.

For the next 20 minutes, I don’t get flailing arms, pursed lips or the bobble head.  The beast is hypnotized and I am free to shovel hundreds of calories into its belly.  And Worm has no idea anything is amiss other than Curious George finding himself in trouble, yet again.

The Dual Eating Personalities of the Worm (TV Zombie Personality Shown Above)  Notice the Eyes…

I’m relieved that once the TV is shut off, the zombie disappears and everything is back to normal.  (One day this on-off switch may get faulty…but then there are medications that will fix everything!  I digress…)

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.  I’m perpetuating the problem by feeding Worm in front of the TV, but I can’t feed him very well any other way.  Feedings are less than 30 minutes long when the TV zombie is eating.  Otherwise, I chase normal Worm around the house for 90 minutes coaxing him with anything possibly palate pleasing. (Say that three times fast!)  It’s exhausting.  (Chasing Worm around, not the tongue twister…)  I can only imagine at our therapy discussions how Worm will blame me for his poor eating habits and explain to the doctor how he sleeps in front of the TV with his pet monkey on a pile of Cheetos, Twinkies, and Bon Bons.  And as karma has a way of punishing us for our past misdeeds, his monkey will eventually eat my face and the cycle will be complete.  I am a horrible father and I will pay for it.

For this post, I can’t give either one of us a point.  We’re at a stalemate.  He needs to eat.  I need to use whatever works right now to facilitate that.  I can foresee that I will have to be smarter and more crafty to keep up with the evolving Worm.  It’s time to turn up my game a notch.

Gavin – 14; Dad – 7  (No Change)

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Categories Food

Guess Who Was The First Person To See Worm Walk Today?

July 12, 2012 //
0

The Worm took his first steps today at 7:45pm.  But, my mom saw Worm walk hours before.  He walked in her dream last night.

I’ll be the first to tell you that my mom is as intuitive as they come.  We always joke about how she reads minds…and we both know there’s a lot of truth to that.

Here’s part of an email that she sent to me this morning at 7:16:

I had a dream last night that my Honey Bun took 4 steps, fell, then 5, fell, and after continued walking.  Maybe, today is the day he puts his foot forward : )

And this evening Worm took 4 very shaky first steps and sat down.  It was a pretty awesome moment!  Thanks for preparing us, mom!

I’d better charge my camcorder.  Tomorrow may be a good day to capture some baby bipedal activity.

 

Yay, I Took My First Steps Today!

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Categories Play

Whoa, That Totally Looks Like the Worm…But, It Isn’t!

July 12, 2012 //
2

Hi Everyone! I Can’t Wait To Wreak Havoc and Chaos On My Older Brother, the Worm! I May Be Small, But I’m Feisty!

We’re multiplying!!!  This is what happens when we accidentally come in contact with alcohol water.  (Guess the movie reference?)

He or she is affectionately called #2.  (Not like Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo)  I know it’s unoriginal, but I don’t have time to come up with a cool name.  I’m way too busy right now.  (These words will come back to haunt me…)  Besides, #2 has plenty of time to be christened with an embarrassing name that he will despise for the rest of his life.

I’m very excited for this new baby.  Because now we have something to compare it to.  Before Gavin, we had no idea what our combined genes would spawn from Steph’s body.  It could have been an alien with 3 heads and tentacles.  Instead, we got the warm, wiggly, wonderful Worm!

After Worm was born, I seriously thought I would have this parenting thing figured out before the second baby.  Translation:  I was willing to subject our first child to unorthodox baby experiments in order to perfect my parenting techniques for later progeny.  But, I realize that I still don’t know what I’m doing.  I need a larger sample and more data.  Therefore, I have convinced myself that I must (in the interest of science) subject both Worm and #2 to more stick poking, cattle prodding, and laboratory testing.  But, I swear I’ll have parenting figured out by the third child…if the first two don’t drive us to tie our tubes first!

Here are 5 things that I’ll soon be able to say:

  1. This doesn’t add up.  How do two kids equals three times the work?
  2. Man, I change diapers so much that I even dream about it…
  3. Kids, the direct way to my heart is through laundry, vacuuming, and chores.  I can’t help it, it’s just the way my body is wired for affection.
  4. Children, only 40 more laps around the playground and we’ll go home…I promise.
  5. Where did my spare time go?

 

#2, give mommy a break and stop punching her uterus!  We watched you do it on the sonogram!

I know you want to get out and party with us, but you’ve got a little more cooking to do.  Daddy wants you to come out a little more well-done than your brother…

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Categories Uncategorized

Songs From the Shower – The Toilet Seat Debate is Over

July 9, 2012 //
2

Worm, do you know what I just deduced? (9)

We outnumber the women here in the roost! (11)

A vital precept shall be declared!  (9)

Toilet lids remain up and lives will be spared!  (11)

—–

As men, we demand this noble act

Of maintaining order in chaos with tact.

If seats stay up, there will be no pee

Anywhere else, but in the toilet you see!

—–

Worm!  Good grief!  Hold on just a minute!

It’s not a swimming pool!  Don’t jump right in it!

Something’s amiss.  Maybe you’re too small

To perceive the commode’s not a bath, that’s all!

—–

The latrine idea is more complex

Than your brain can dissect before getting vex.

I don’t speak ‘baby’, your speech is poor.

So we’ll keep the lid down until you mature.

—–

Later, we shall revisit this game

When Worm’s a bit older and I’m not yet lame.

We do concede now, lucky female.

But, I warn you be swift, for soon we’ll prevail!

Dad, This is The Smallest Bathtub Ever!

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Categories Random Thoughts
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