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I Only Spank You Because I Care

February 9, 2012 //
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I come from a family where spanking was the icing on the punishment cake.  Luckily, I didn’t get spanked that often. My brother got the hot seat more than I.  Thanks bro!  My wife comes from a family where spanking wasn’t used as a disciplinary tactic.

How will we discipline the Worm?

Personally, I hope to break the spanking tradition with him.  I don’t plan on serving physical punishment to the Worm for his wrongdoings.  (I take out my anger on my dogs.)  But, I will try my best to figure out why he did what he did.  Kids do stuff mindlessly.  I used to be a kid (although some people still think I am a kid).  I’ve partaken in my fair share of destruction.  (I’m just glad no person got hurt, just the animals in the forest and the frogs in the pond, and the turtles, and the…I digress.)  I know full well that some children don’t understand the ramifications of their acts, nor do they understand the ripple effect those actions have on people around them.  (I’m sure that many adults don’t even have this awareness.)  But, I’m still going to try to learn/teach from Gavin’s misdeeds instead of just punishing him for them.  I’m going to search for an answer each opportunity presented, even if I only receive a blank stare in return from him.  Why?  Because I’d like him to recognize his part in the event and accept some responsibility for his actions in life.  And possibly think about what he did, if only briefly.

After being on the other side of the belt, I don’t think that spanking is a necessary component for a parent teaching a lesson.  It won’t build trust between Worm and I and it won’t strengthen our relationship.  Spanking builds fear (and callouses).

If you wish, you can read the article about the effect of spanking on children here.  The article says that spanking leads to aggression and lowers IQ.  (So, does that mean if I spank Gavin enough that he could morph into a professional MMA fighter in a few years?  How is this a bad thing again?)

If you don’t agree with me, please let me give you a few spanking tips:

  • Make sure child is wearing thin, tight clothing for maximum spanking effect.  Fluffy clothing dissipates too much energy.
  • Spank child in one location on buttocks.  By concentrating your spanking technique to a particular area, you can cause more pain sensation.
  • Learn to spank with both arms.  This will keep you from getting repetitive stress syndrome and reduce your chance of injury.
  • When using a belt for spanking, a 2 to 3″ wide leather one works well.  To add more spice to the swing, make contact using the buckle end.
  • Set goals when spanking your child.  Try to increase the repetitions every time.  Spanking builds strength in your rotator cuff muscles.  It makes a great exercise for the shoulder girdle.
  • The best time to spank a child is while they’re sleeping.  They never see it coming and can’t run away.

Fist of Fury

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Categories Education

The Baby Blob

February 9, 2012 //
0

Yep, he’s got no strength to hold himself up.  So Steph is using the natural two-finger head pinch to hold up Gavin.  (About 4 days old here!)

He’s cute as a button even if we may have picked up a little Tibetan baby from the hospital instead of our own.

I'm so tired...

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Categories GPOD

A Tribute to You, From My Heart

February 8, 2012 //
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(In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’ve poured out my heart to someone special in my life.  Words are a mere trifle of all I truly feel in my heart.)

To my dearest:

I love you so much that I can’t wait to see you after a long, weary day.

You help me to block out all the noise and chatter of my mind.

You envelop me in your warmth and my skin tingles under your moist kisses.

You never question my motives and always listen to me without judging.

I feel as if I can tell you anything.

My voice becomes as sweet as a songbird in your stead.

I’ve shown you every side of myself, even the darkest places.

You never turn away.

I could spend every waking hour with you.

You are a respite for my mind and body.

You are my sanctuary, my meditation.

And when we part ways after our brief union, I am left standing in a dreamy fog.

Speechless.

Dear shower head, you bring me peace and calm.

I never appreciated you so much before the baby came into our life.  Please never leave me.

I love you…especially in pulsating massage mode.

Love is in the air!

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Categories Random Thoughts

Middle Finger Salute

February 7, 2012 //
2

Should I teach Gavin about the middle finger?  Before his friends teach him?  On Sunday, I watched the Super Bowl along with the halftime show featuring Madonna.  I enjoyed it as much as anyone without HD TV can.  (We used to have HD Cable, but I couldn’t justify $120 for 3 hours of TV a month.  So, we now have basic cable…18 channels.  I think.)

Madonna sang some of her classic songs and her contortionists wriggled and twisted themselves around her.  LMFAO made their appearance.  Then there was M.I.A. (who sang the catchy “Paper Planes” song…) onscreen doing her thing and suddenly flicks everyone off!  (I thought she was looking directly at me when she threw up the middle finger and let’s just say she and I “had a moment”.  For a second, I thought it was a proposition.)  The thing is that it never registered in my brain as offensive or disrespectful.  In fact, it wasn’t until I read about her now infamous left hand salute that I realized that it was a big deal.  But, to who?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but a middle finger is just like the other fingers, only a little longer.  If given the choice to be offended by either a Janet Jackson areola or M.I.A. finger during Superbowl, I’ll pick Janet anytime…which reminds me that I should start taping these saucy halftime shows.

Gavin’s not old enough to understand what offensive gestures are.  (An example would be picking someone else’s nose, which is why his fingers are constantly scavenging my nostrils.  If it was anyone else, I’d fly off the handle.  Maybe not for Lindsay Lohan, though.  I digress.)  In this instance, I got off explanation free.  But, it got me wondering how to approach this 4 years from now, when Gavin sees something like this, the media is up in arms (and bans middle fingers in the U.S.A. to “protect our ignorance innocence children”) and he wonders why.

I’m in the boat where I’d rather the Worm learn these gestures from me (I’ve got a bag full of them.) rather than from someone else.  Will I teach him the middle finger?  Yes.  Why?  Because I want him to know how to use it correctly…like when someone cuts you off on the freeway, or when some kid tells him a momma joke, or when his boss tells him he’s gotta work on the weekend.  Correct usage is important.  Flipping the bird is an art.  Waving the one finger salute used to be meaningful.  It’s gone to s#!t due to abuse and overuse.  I’m going to make it rise to superpower status again, just like our country.

A middle finger means nothing unless the attached brain and body have some reason to throw it up.  Secondly, it has to be directed at someone or something.  M.I.A’s wagging finger meant nothing to me.  We’ve got no beef, (unless she hates my blog).  Maybe it was meant for someone in particular, but only she knows this.  And the people who are crying that their 5-year-old is now screwed up after seeing this during a “family show” is looking for someone to blame.  Your 5-year-old is screwed up because you smoke crack and burn cigarettes on your kid’s arms.

A wise man once told me, “Don’t fear the finger (unless there’s a booger on it).”  Ok I said that, but let’s pretend I’m wise.

Where was I going with this blog post?  Oh yeah, right here:

In my country, this is how we say 'Hi'

 

If you want to know some cool history about the middle finger, see link below:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16916263

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Categories News

Home From the Hospital

February 7, 2012 //
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Meditating like the Buddha…

 

We finally get Gavin home from the hospital, 1.5 days after our special delivery.  I’m excited.  But, it wasn’t without much fighting with the hospital staff.  They’re telling Steph to relax and try and rest in the hospital, yet they are coming in every 2 hours to take her vitals or give her food or clean the room, etc.

I took this ridiculousness as more CYA than care, especially for a natural birth without meds.  (It’s incredible what the body is capable of doing when unmedicated.  In other countries, women give birth and then go home from the hospital in the same day.)  I can see why epidurals keep women at the hospital…it’s because it numbs their entire lower half!

So, I pushed the issue.  Over and over again until the hospital staff heard me.  (We also have the luxury of being only 10 minutes from that hospital and 2 minutes from another, so that was also a factor…it’s not like we were 4 days camel ride away.)

I just wanted to get home so that I could take care of my wife and baby…in our warm, cozy home.

And as you can see, the Worm (not nicknamed yet…) is having his meditation time.  Peaceful and serene, isn’t he?

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Mangos. He Loves Them, I Loves Them…

February 6, 2012 //
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When it became time to work solid food into the Worm’s diet, I was pretty excited.  Introducing fruits and veggies has been a lot of fun.  Although he makes some pretty twisted faces during feeding time, he manages to swallow everything down without incident…unless, he sneezes.  Let’s knock on wood a little here, since Worm’s never completely turned down anything yet.  He’s pretty keen on food and will even occasionally munch on grass in the backyard.

When Gavin hit the 6 month mark, we gave real food the green light.  Bananas were the first to be sacrificed by the Kalorik Baby Gourmet food processor.  Then avocados, apples, etc.  At 7 months old, we got frisky with exotic fruit like mangos and papaya.  I don’t know why, but I was very interested in seeing if Worm liked these fruits.  Ok, I do know why.  These fruits grow in my mother country, Trinidad, and I must get Gavin to eat these and love them, dammit.  (He’s got West Indian blood in him!  And I want to know how much…)

I had to be present for the very first mango feeding.  Mango is my all-time favorite fruit.  So, this was like a paternity test for us.  I was so anxious, I had to empty my bladder before the big moment to avoid any incident.

There definitely was a sourpuss face with first bite of mango puree.  With bated breath, I wished for a more positive response on the second spoonful.  Gavin swished the mutilated mango morsel around for a second, then swallowed the mouthful down and opened his mouth for more (like one of those starving baby birds on the nature channel!)  Success!  (I patted him on the back with ” You really ARE my son!  There’s no need for us to get Maury Povich involved.”)  He figured out how delicious mangos were, and powered through the rest of the puree.

It looks like I’m going to have to learn to share the fruit of my labor with the fruit of Steph’s labor…or start hiding my mangos in the underwear drawer!

If you didn’t already know, there’s one mango that I’ve yet to try out….the Tebow mango!

I love mangos! Just like daddy!

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Categories Food

Oh Yeah, Your Baby’s Beautiful Too.

February 6, 2012 //
2

This morning was awkward comment day at the lake.  Thrice.

Duncan, my Weimaraner, needs lots of exercise.  So, there’s a lake near us that has no car traffic and is paved all the way around.  It’s a 5 mile loop, and  even if I run the entire 5 miles (which I hope to do again, soon), Dunkie barely breaks a sweat.  Since Mini-me arrived, and I’m responsible for him (meaning Steph would kill me if I left him home alone), he gets to be pushed around the lake in the three-wheeled comfort of BOB while Dunkie and I jog.

It was cold at the lake this morning.  So, I bundled up Gavin by putting a hoodie over his pajamas. (Steph hates it when I don’t coordinate him.  I say brown goes with everything. ;))  I stuff the Worm into the stroller and cover him with a blanket.  I get Duncan out of the truck and we’re all ready to roll.

Since I can’t run the entire 5 miles anymore (without sleeping the next 18 hrs straight), I run a couple of miles and then walk for a bit.

When I slow down to walk, everyone around wants to talk to me.  (I guess when people look at me they think “Hey, that guy looks sad & lonely.  Maybe I’ll tell him my life story so he doesn’t feel so bad about his.”)  I’m sad and lonely because I want to be, people!

So, within minutes of walking, conversationalist #1 tries to make eye contact with me.  I can feel the eyes piercing my neck and I try to look down at the baby stroller as if I’m checking on him.  (Avoidance tactic.  Steph tells me I’m great at this.)  Man, she’s still staring.  I look up.

“Wow, that’s a BEAUTIFUL dog!  (5 second pause.)  And BABY too!”

“Huh?  Oh, thank you.”  I smile.  “He’s a good dog.  The baby’s ok sometimes too.”  Man, she can’t even see the baby’s face under the hoodie and he’s almost 90% covered up by the blanket.  Does this lady think it’s rude to say my dog is cute without commenting on my baby too?  What?  Does she feel sorry for me that my dog is cuter than my baby?  Maybe I need an uglier dog.

I run another two miles.  Then stop to give Dunkie some water.

Conversationalist #2 walks by me, this time from the opposite direction.  But, not without saying almost the same exact thing #1 said!

“Good morning!  You’re dog is BEAUTIFUL.  Oh, and so is you baby, too!”

“Thank you.”  I smile awkwardly.  WTF?  She can’t even see my baby.  The stroller hood is pulled all the way over him to keep out the rising sun!

I make it around the rest of the lake without incident.  (Probably because I had my ‘thug life’ grimace on.)

Back at the Cruiser (affectionately known as Eleanor), I’m set up to feed Dunkie the rest of his water, change the baby diaper, and stretch a little.  (Not all at the same time, people…)

I look over my shoulder and #1 is in the parking lot, looking at her phone, which seems to be pointed towards me.  I don’t know if she was taking a picture of my toned glutes or what.  But, she walks towards my truck and speaks.

“Is that a Weimaraner?”

“Yes.”

“He’s so BEAUTIFUL.  Is he good with the baby?”

(No, he’s actually going to eat the baby once I leave them both unattended in the truck.  Barring any more gruesome event, I should be on the news tonight.)

“Yes, he’s a good dog.” Didn’t you hear me the first time I said it?  “He’s really good around the baby.”  (Can’t you see that he’s literally 2″ away from the baby while I’m changing him?)

“You’re baby’s beautiful too.”

“Thanks.  Have a good day.”  I smile.

Look.  I don’t give a crap if you tell me that I’ve got a beautiful dog.  I know I do.  Both of my dogs are handsome as hell.  They were rescued from a shelter so they’ve got self-esteem issues, but they’re beautiful where it matters most…on the outside.

Dad, Why is My Head Growing So Fast? (Because It's Filling Up With My Wisdom, Son.)

I know my baby’s not as cute as my dogs.  It’s ok.  The Worm was really cute as a baby, but now his head’s sort of growing faster than his face.  He’s going through an ugly phase, kind of like when I was growing up and my adam’s apple stuck out further than my nose.  I get it.

Please don’t tell me my dog is beautiful, then as an afterthought tell me that my baby’s beautiful, too.  That’s just weird and uncomfortable.  It’s not like they came from the same mother.  And it’s not a contest.  Duncan would win, hands down.  (For my mom:  I know you’re reading this and there’s definitely no way Dunkie is cuter than the Worm…no way!)

I like long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, and licking toes!

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