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How the Little Monster Saved Halloween

November 6, 2012 //
3

Children are precious gifts that radiate purity that most of us adults have long since purged from our bodies.  Every creation, natural or man-made, is wondrously new and exciting to them.  Life exists in a world filled with magic and splendor amplified only by the one true way to live, being sensorially submerged in the present moment.

One of the major treats of being a dad (other than getting poop under my fingernails) is watching my son (and soon, daughter) morph into something beautifully human.  I get the opportunity to experience the nuances of life through another pair of eyes.  It’s as if I get to be reborn.

Worm, You’re Quite Possibly the Least Scariest and Most Huggable Monster In the Universe!

This Halloween we didn’t buy enough candy, we destroyed our pumpkins and we forgot to cook up any caramel apples.  With the hustle of life with a toddler, the wife and I did not get or make any Halloween outfits for ourselves.  We even waited until the last day of October to fetch one for the Worm.  Spider or monster?  And even at 4pm that same day, we were debating whether or not Steph should return home sans costume.  I tried to make amends with myself for the half-hearted attempt, but gnawing inside was the idea  that I could have done more to make my favorite holiday what I wanted so badly for it to be, memorable.

The pint-sized outfit accompanied Steph home from work.  And just as soon as the little monster was stuffed inside, all of my holiday shortcomings disappeared and I forgot about our imperfect Halloween.  The Worm had me entranced.  The twice discounted and finally clearanced costume became his skin.  Where there were once small hands, two furry little claws happily snatched at candy from the bowl.  His floppy new feet skipped across the kitchen floor, all the while jiggling the sewn-in polka-dotted pot belly on every step.  Giggles, squeals and laughter were this monster’s fierce sounds and it filled the house with its infectious energy.  The blue costume became the embodiment of all that defines the spirit of Halloween for me and as quickly as Worm absorbed the new threads as part of himself, he consumed me as well.  I could not take my eyes off of him.

Halloween has a special place in my heart.  I have fond memories of the fall season and everything about it resonates in me.  I still get giddy when the season approaches and melancholic as it leaves.  So seeing the joy on Worm’s face this past Halloween brought up those great memories and feelings from years gone.  That evening, Worm and I shared a moment so similar yet so different, that I’m stuck with a loss of words to describe it.  On the surface, I not only saw him, but saw my own childhood as well.  And underneath, I recognized a sliver of myself that would carry on in him after my body has completely failed.  The very definition of fatherhood was as apparent as the little blue monster standing in front of me.  It touched me so hard that I was crushed by its magnitude.  I realized in that moment I had been born again.

Gavin – 18; Dad – 7 (You really made this Halloween special Worm!  Thanks!)

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Categories Random Thoughts

Pampers Soft Care Wipes

October 25, 2012 //
5

Pampers Soft Care Wipes

Pampers diapers are pretty nice.  There have a lot of neat technology in them and they’ve been around long enough to have proven themselves.  So when we got a free package of Pampers Soft Care Wipes along with our large box of Pampers diapers, I thought we’d hit the jackpot.  (Yes, my life has sunk this low…)

I’m sad to say that these are the worst wipes I have ever used.  For instance, when I try to pull one wipe out of the package, about 5 of them come out instead.  I’m a one-handed wipe puller.  Why?  I usually have the other hand keeping the baby from squirming off of the changing table.  If the dispenser gives me trouble, that’s an automatic FAIL for a wipes container.  I can understand 2 wipes accidentally coming out, but when I’m spending my post-diaper change time stuffing a handful of Soft Care Wipes back into the package, I’m not a happy daddy.

After I get my wipe out, I try to clean up the Worm’s bottom.  Since he eats solid foods, he has solid poop…sometimes with chunks.  The Pampers wipe is so “soft” that it just glides right over the poop pieces.  Over and over again.  I know this is graphic, but you would think that a good wipe design would provide some traction for “stuff” to stick to it.  This wipe is ridiculously slimy and barely picks up anything off of Worm’s skin.  Big problem.  I like to make one or two passes and get the majority of poop off of the baby’s skin.  The less I am in contact with the toxic excrement, the better.  I’ve even had the occasional “Whoops, my hand slipped off the wipe and I almost touched poopie with my fingers!” scare.  When I can hang on to the thing, using the Soft Care wipe makes me feel like I’m doing nothing more than buffing poop into the Worm’s skin.

Lastly, I try to use the wipe on the other end of the Worm, his face.  (Of course I use a clean wipe.  Not the same dirty one!)  At 18 months of age, kids are probably still smearing crap (most of the time it’s the food type of crap) all over their little faces.  I probably wipe Worm’s face about three times a day.  As I said before, the wipes are horrible at actually taking particles off of the skin.  These wipes are so bad that after a few passes with the wipe, little threads of the fabric start floating off.  The wipe falls apart because it’s too da#n soft!  It wouldn’t be a good thing for Worm to accidentally breath one into his nose and get trapped.  Every time these little flyaways have happened, all I could think was “What if he inhaled it?”  I don’t need another thing to worry about.  Trying to figure out who is going to win this season of “So You Think You Can Dance” is enough.

I have a baby coming in January who could probably benefit from a nice soft wipe.  Will I use the Pampers Soft Care Wipes on her?  No way.  It’s horrible.

I even checked out the Pampers website to find the MSRP on these.  Nope.  They weren’t even listed.   Hmm…I wonder why?

———-

Overall Rating:  1 Worm

Ease of Use: 1 Worm

Performance:  1 Worm

Features:  5 Worms (Too bad none of the features are useful for the wipes’ intended purpose.)

Durability:  1 Worm

Manliness:  1 Worm

Retail Price:  $?

———-

Pros:

Alcohol free.  Has lotion, natural aloe, and vitamin E.  Hypoallergenic.

Cons:

Why would you want to put lotion, natural aloe and vitamin E in a wipe?  I’m not trying to moisturize poop.  Besides, they slip off of my hands when I’m wiping!

Things I would modify:

I would just trash this product and design another one.  There’s just way too many issues.

Where to find:

I have a feeling they are on clearance everywhere.  They’re not worth the money, even on double coupon day.

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Categories Product Reviews

Worm, I Thought You Were Sick…

October 3, 2012 //
0

Worm caught a cold on Saturday.  By the wee hours of Sunday morning, someone was having trouble sleeping because the little vermin was squirming and coughing.  (It’s ok to feel sorry for me not getting my beauty sleep.  It’s how I keep that youthful glow!)  When the Worm began crying miserably, Steph went into the baby room to try and soothe the savage.  Feeling heroic, I bounced out of bed to see how I could save the day.  (OK, I was forced to remove the pillow from over my head and get my ass and other parts of the body up ASAP.  Sergeant’s orders…)

So at 3am, the whole family was awake and suffering.  2/3 of us were crying.  On the outside, Worm was crying from the fever and body aches.  On the inside, I was crying from the stink eye that Steph gave to “encourage” my cooperation!

We spent the better part of Sunday caring for the virus incubator poor baby and teaching him to blow snot bubbles.  The great thing about children is that colds and flu usually pass through them swiftly.  There’s no conscious mind telling them that bills need to get paid, car needs to go to the mechanic, work projects need to get done this week, etc.  They’re free to hear their bodies’ request for nature’s best remedy, Otter pops and rest.

Sunday night, a more comfortable respite found the Worm.  In fact, it must have been awesome sleep because on Monday the little guy decided to do house chores!  (I swear this was all unprovoked.  If I had a hand in it, he would have been out washing the car or cutting the lawn.  But hey, I’ll take any help I can get!)

First, he tackled the laundry.

You See Worm, Pink and Lavender Laundry Balls Entice Women To Do Laundry.  The Soft Colors Are Attractive to Females. It’s Subliminal.

Then he decided that the dogs needed to be fed…again.  (Note to self:  Son has figured out twist-top containers.)

Worm, I’m Not Sure Duncan Needs More Food This Morning…

And then he decided that he didn’t want to live in a pig sty (like my dad used to say to me, ha ha), so he Swiffer-ed the carpets…and the coffee table…and the couch.

Worm, You Missed a Spot…Like the Entire Kitchen Floor!

And if that wasn’t enough to show daddy that he was independent and could now get his own apartment, he changed his own diaper.

Worm, If You’re Going To Take Off the Dirty Diaper, You May Want To Put a CLEAN ONE ON!

Almost!

If Worm does housework every time he gets sick, I think we may be able to get free monthly housekeeping.  All I need are a few germs and a couple of Petri dishes…

Gavin – 17; Dad – 7 (I gladly give you two points every time you do chores!  Shoot, I’ll give you 5 points for every blog you post too!)

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Categories Play

What’s Wrong With the Apples? They’re So Small!

September 18, 2012 //
1

…Slackjawed that these naive ladies had probably never seen unadulterated food in their lives, I couldn’t even manage a sarcastic response.  I muttered “It’s because the apples are real.  They’re not genetically modified like the bland softball-sized ones you see in the supermarket.”

“Oh!” before a bushel of giggles filled the fresh air.  They scampered away and disappeared into the orchard.

So the 2012 apple season in Julian, California has begun.  And it’s bringing all of the urbanites out of the concrete jungle.  Only about an hour or so outside of San Diego, Julian is a cozy little mountain town nestled in the Cuyamaca range.  It is a nice little getaway from the hustle of city life, especially in the fall.

There are some 10 apple orchards (about 5 are the u-pick style) in and around Julian.  We picked (get it, “picked”?) the Raven Hill Orchard (RHO) because of an article I saw on a San Diego Travels webpage here.  I read about Patrick Brady, orchard owner as well as sculpturist.  My  curiosity piqued at the article’s phrase “quite a character to behold”, and believing that artists infuse passion and joy into life, I figured his orchard would exhibit the same sentiment.  I love fascinating places and intriguing people, but memorable moments happen when both coincide.  I couldn’t wait to see what our first visit to an apple orchard would bring.

We arrive at the front gate at 10am.  Greeted by a sign bearing the politically correct translation of “Use your head for something other than a hat rack.  If you couldn’t tell, you’re not in your comfy, cozy padded cell where you can hurt nothing more than your own feelings.  It’s the outdoors.  Everything here is 3-dimensional and may bite.”, we enter.

How dangerous can picking apples be? Newton discovered gravity in a place like this…

Inside we see the man, the myth, the keeper of the apples, Patrick Brady.  Donning a black leather hat, camo pants, and a lion’s mane of hair, he waves us in.  All I can say is, if there is a ‘most interesting man in Julian’, we just found him.

“Health starts here!” as he points to the ground in front of us.

At $10 a bag, it’s definitely cheaper than a visit to the pharmacy.  With a smile, Steph asks for 3 bags of health.  That’s one bag for each of us!  (I don’t think Worm can eat a whole bag of apples by himself.  But since he is not typically known to share, I’ll probably snake an apple or two from his bag every day.  It’s not like he can count either!)

We wander down the gaps between the trees, stopping to inspect the apples and take in the warm breeze of the morning.

Steph, being the apple connoisseur, showed Worm and I how to pick the apples. Women just know these things!  It’s built into their DNA!  (She didn’t believe killing the apples with our bow and arrows set was necessary.)

Guys, be gentle. Ripe apples will easily detach from the tree. Don’t take the part with the leaves!

Pretty soon, Worm and I got into the spirit and gently plucked a few ripe ones for our respective stashes.  Since I have the luxury of being tall (extremely tall for Southern California), I was able to get to the apples that lesser mortals couldn’t reach.  Lucky for us, the orchard was chock full of fruit for everyone.  In fact, our whole family filled up our bags before we made it to some of the other apple varieties.  (The Raven Hill Orchard grows 7 apple types:  Empire, Fuji, Gala, Golden Delicious, Gravenstein, Jonathan, and Pippin)  Although the picking season runs from September to late October, it’s best to go before the apples have been totally picked through.  Otherwise, you’ll be doing your apple picking at one of the local markets.

It’s a Good Thing We Are Tall, Huh Dad?

After a nice half hour among the fruit trees, we head back to the entrance to pay for our apples.  We get a chance to talk a little bit with Patrick, the owner.  He’s definitely a straight-shooting, no-frills type of guy.  A gently forceful and honest type that will look you directly in the eyes when he speaks.  We chat on different topics centered around health in America, etc.  An hour later, his lovely wife comes down for a visit and we get to meet his 3 month old twin babies.  The entire day was enjoyable, interesting, and wonderful.  After a visit to downtown Julian for some pie and cider, I can’t say that we could have had a more perfect day.

Hanging Out With Patrick at Raven Hill Orchard

Support local farmers and growers!

Related Links:

Raven Hill Orchard Facebook Page

Picking Apples Raven Hill Orchard

Patrick Brady – Man of All Seasons

Julian, California Webpage

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Categories Play

Bye Bye Hollywood Heartthrob, Hello Lab Rat

September 10, 2012 //
5

We’ve given up on show business (for now).  Hollywood is a tough act to crack into and we’ve faced rejection one too many times.  (It  was just one time.  We have fragile egos to mend!) So, I’ve been looking for other ways to exploit showcase the Worm and his burgeoning talents.

Enter the Infant Development Study!  This study is currently being held in San Diego (California), Montreal (Canada, not Wisconsin), and Geneva (Switzerland, not Illinois).  If you live near any one of these cities and wish to participate, click the link above or at the bottom of the page.

The IDS has now added my son, Gavin, aka #6.022 x 10^23, into their child development program where he will be tested in the area of language development every 6 months until he turns 4 years old and is ready for school.

Coffee and creampuffs now! Otherwise, it’s too early for this crap!

Of course, I saw right through the smoke and mirrors and wittingly uncovered a baby IQ test!  My anxiety shot through the roof as I wondered:  Is Worm learning at a normal rate?  Is he below average?  Why does he grunt so much?  What if his intelligence score is too low?  Am I talking to him enough?  Do I E-NUN-CI-ATE or do I mumble?  Is that why he can’t understand English?  Is social services going to take away my little ape man because I haven’t taught him enough words?  Am I a roadblock to his learning capability?

When I arrived at the Child Development Lab at the San Diego State University, I was mesmerized by the toys and bright colors of the room and my anxiety quickly subsided.  Worm was working the ‘ignorance is bliss’ angle.  He had no idea what was going on, save for the fact that there were pretty women surrounding and smiling at him.  We both looked at each other and knew that the only way things could get better was if they had Goonies on the TV and let us put our feet on the couch.

The main test had Worm sitting on my lap in front of a touch screen computer (which he doesn’t have at home).  He was shown two objects and was told to “Touch the ….”.  If he touched the correct object, the screen would repeat the word and move on to the next two pictured objects.  If he touched the incorrect object, his parent would get an electric charge (akin to that of a wet tongue on a 9V battery) from the chair.  By the end of the testing, the room smelled like fried porkskin and I lost some butt hair.  (Ok, the last part wasn’t real.  But, if these were the consequences, how many more parents do you think would become involved in their child’s education?)

The experiment study didn’t take Worm away from me (even though the whole time he forgot I was in the room with him), stick him in a cage with chimps, or give him an opportunity to go home with new parents.  I asked if there was a pill that could expand Worm’s brain function like in the movie Limitless, but they looked at me as if I should stop procreating before I pass on my stupidity.  (It’s too late!  We’ve got another baby on the way!)

Gators! I love the Gators! They’re all over my bedroom wall!

All in all, it was a great experience and the team that worked with Worm was warm and friendly.  On top of letting us hang out for an hour, they gave Worm a Target gift card for $25 and I got a cool squeaky wind-up racecar!  Worm chewed on his gift card and I played with my new racecar for the entire drive home!  (Can you say, awesome!)

The study is looking for more parents with kids between 14 and 17 months old.  Every visit takes about 60 minutes (90 minutes if your kid is a PITA) and you get something for your time and participation.  Visits to the lab are only every 6 months, so it’s not a huge time commitment.  But, the overall benefit of participation is in helping the study of infant language development all over the world.

Here are some links to get you started:

San Diego State University Infant and Child Development Laboratory

University of California San Diego Cognitive Development Laboratory

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Categories Education

I Saw a SAHD! He Was Standing There in Broad Daylight!

September 6, 2012 //
2

It’s the Frightful and Elusive Worm Yeti!

Stay at home dads are being spotted on playgrounds all across America!  Once shunned from society, SAHD sightings have surpassed the Yeti, or Abominable Snowman if they’re the same guy.  (Though, the statistics are marred because some of the grizzly, unkempt SAHDs are occasionally mistaken for Yeti…)  Other SAHDs who have worn disguises for years, are finding increased acceptance.  They have tossed off their wigs and heels and can show their true selves to the public without being ridiculed and emasculated.  We are not ashamed to be SAHD anymore!  (Cue up the music…”It’s Raining Men!  Hallelujah it’s raining men!”)  It’s a new era for us!  You can’t spell millennium without M-E-N!  It’s impossible!  I’ve tried!

A few years back in history (because you can’t go forward), the Women’s Liberation Movement brought more women into the workforce.  Excited (and possibly hysterical) mothers dropped their aprons and hair nets to rush off into the working world.  With the mass exodus from the home, neglected irons melted pants, abandoned ovens burned bread, and worst of all, unsupervised children were left with no one to answer their cries for food and love.

Fortunately, the supersonic hearing and ninja-like instincts of fathers everywhere picked up the distress signals.  What summoned these “ordinary men” to spring out of their office chairs and back towards the home was the selfless desire to save mankind by rescuing the forsaken toddlers and babies of this fine country and investing in their livelihood.  Many fathers cast off their work uniforms exposing tight red underwear (very much unlike Spanx) and a matching red cape (Not terracotta, not chestnut, not fuchsia and certainly not amaranth.  RED!)  These heroes instantly dropped their work lives and flew (at the speed of sound, of course) home to put out the fires that their wives had so carelessly ignited.  Children were scooped up with one hairy powerful hand and soothed by the gentle manliness of the other.  Never before had young ones, families and the entire universe felt so safe.  And it’s getting safer as more fathers are staying home with their children.

Fathers all over the world continue to answer this call to be the noble stay-at-home parent.  So, the next time your workweek lunch break shows you a dad holding a child (or holding a beer, or even holding a child holding a beer), thank him or give him a corn dog or something.  Because it’s your future, the Earth’s future he is looking out for.

In the last ten years SAHDs have doubled, but the percentage of dads that stay at home are still small at 3.4%, according to Boston College Center for Work and Family.  To read an informative blog post that has a good point of view on the SAHD trend, click the article link below.  (Nanny.net also features information on finding a nanny near you, becoming a nanny, and information about nannies in general.)

Related Links:

Are Stay-At-Home Dads on the Rise? – Nanny.Net Blog

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Categories News

The First Haircut

August 30, 2012 //
0

Before I became a parent, I never understood why every baby I saw was a micro-version of Cousin Itt.  (I know.  You’re probably thinking Southern California is full of organic tie-dye hippie types that don’t want to disturb nature by doing anything un-natural to baby like brushing its teeth, washing its body, or doing the most anti-hippie thing possible…cutting its hair.  Well, you’re half right.)

The reason these parents don’t cut their baby’s hair is because unlike adult hair, baby hair has nerve endings that can cause baby to scream in agony when severed.  That seems to be the only logical reason why they would scream during haircuts.  Don’t worry though, they should grow out of it.

Parents get attached to their baby’s hair.  It’s that simple.  You’ve created this little monster bundle of joy and you want to know whether his or her hair will grow out curly or stay straight.  You want to know if the sun will change baby hair color better than bottle bleach.  You want to know if baby will naturally develop a ‘Billy Idol‘ or ‘Jennifer Aniston‘ hairdo.  (Don’t ask me why these two hairstyles came to mind.)  Or your kid was born with premature male pattern baldness and you’re praying for enough growth to do a combover.  We fell into this last category.

We had to let Worm’s hair grow out to cover up the baldness.  Sadly, time traded us the hairy cul-de-sac for an 80’s mullet.  Steph and I lived with our decision (to do nothing) for a while, but what message were we sending to America by letting Worm sport a mullet?  That American children should mix business with pleasure?  That it’s ok to look like a boy from the front and a girl from behind?  How could we add fuel to the gender confused fire that our country fearfully burns.  We both knew that in this day and age, our society was not advanced enough to accept the unconservative mullet hairstyle…even though Jesus rocked a feather mullet.  But, I’m not judging here.  I’m just sayin’.

Although Steph and I talked about trimming Worm’s hair for a couple months, we only made the decision after a brief (yet, life-changing) encounter with a mother and child outside our favorite Chinese food restaurant.

“How old’s your little girl?”

Perplexed that this woman couldn’t see a strapping young lad of 15 months behind his long, pretty eyelashes, delicate facial features, and curly ringlets, I played along.  “My baby is 15 months old.  Not walking yet, though.  Like your son.”

“Oh, be careful what you wish for.  Once your girl starts walking, you’ll be chasing her around everywhere.”

There she goes again.  Why does she emphasize GIRL?  At this point, I can’t just tell this lady that my ‘she’ is a ‘he’.  It’s too late.  We’re too far into our conversational relationship.  (Saying anything at this point is akin to telling your soon-to-be wife at the alter that you are starting to have second thoughts.  Awkward.)  To save her the mentally scarring thought that my son is the most effeminate boy she’s ever seen, I allow this woman to reassign Worm’s gender for the length of the conversation.

When this mom and toddler left, Steph and I figured it was time for a trim.

Dad, No Time For Cutting My Hair! I’ve Got To Figure Out What This Thing Is!

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Categories MVG Oddities
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